www.theotherpress.ca

Humour.

 

A love letter to the capital cursive G

Dear Letter G,

I didn’t think much of
you the first time we met. I
was young and ignorant and
you were just amongst the
other 26 letters hidden some-
where in the middle, quiet
and passive. I apologize
now for the way I neglected
you. Remembering all of
those hours wasted with
vowels—those damn popu-
lar vowels. Hell, I still find
myself asking sometimes,
“Why?” Why couldn’t I see
something so obviously
in front of me? Can you
blame a fool for learning?

It was as I matured that
my view changed about
you. Learning cursive was
like seeing the tomboy
dolled up on prom night.

Stunning. Suddenly the
“Plain Jane ‘G’” I remem-
bered as a child was all
grown up. Your curves, your
points, and the way you
swoop up at the end when
I write you. You are like no
other letter in the alphabet.
Nay, there is no other
character in all of language
like you. You are the perfect
symbol, the perfect image,
and the perfect mark. There
is something about that little
loop on your top left, like
an eye. I know you see me,
winking at me. I see you too,
but you know that already.

Tenvy the Ginos, the
Gunthers, and the Guys,
because I too wish I had
the privilege of scripting
you every time I sign as

myself. I’ll think of you in
every cheque I write, in ever
contract I receive, and in
every credit card purchase

I make. Sadly, you are a
rarity and a treat. I find you
in intimidating moments
when I open sentences with
“God,” “Gun,” or “Girl,”
but then you sooth me

with inspirations such as
“Glorious,” “Great,” and
“Glad.” Regardless of the
meaning, every word with
you in it is significant.

I can’t help but pity
other letters. The lower case
“A” with its ambiguous
form, the loop, the vertical
line on the right, but what
about the arch above? Like
many others I neglect that
extra modification, but

some believe lower case
“A” needs cosmetics. Some
letters are just the means to
an end. Such as the cursive
lower case “R” and lower
case “N,” they always look
the same when I write too
fast. I see nothing in them.
There is no other letter
with your distinct charac-
teristics, but that is not to
say they don’t try. There

is the capital cursive “Q,”
uncommon unless it is used
as the number 2. The capital
“Z” built with impressive
curves, but it’s aesthetically
a “J” that workouts. Your
closest comparison is
perhaps cursive capital
“S”, but the extra flourish
it requires takes away

from its beauty. “G,” you

remain my one and only.

I know itis crazy,
because we are so different.
You, the seventh letter in
the alphabet, and me, a
human man going through
a complicated phase, but I
believe we can make this
work. Consider it a game
or consider it growth, but
whatever it is we are doing,
I know you are write for
me. So take a step back
and look at the big picture.
If your love is a prison,
then I hope my sentence
begins with the letter “G.”

From the tip of my pen,

€-Unil

(Elliot Chan)

Livewires (Jan 1 - Jan 7)

By Eric Wilkins, Staff
Writer

Zellers to live on?
Fans of Zellers will be
pleased to hear that
the store will live on in
some capacity. It was
revealed on January

2 that Target has been
buying up all the old
Zellers’ stock, and
plans to sell it under
their own name.

Zellers enthusiast
Joe Smith commented,
“Tm over the moon
about this. I was
wotried all my
clothes would become
discontinued relics,
but now I can breathe
easy. Hunt Club and
Sportek forever!”

The reported
slogan for the
Canadian chain of
Target stores is “New
name, same crap.”

NASCAR to make
changes

NASCAR is set to
introduce new rules

and regulations later
this month. The racing
body is seeking to
make its races more
“exciting” and “fiery’
for the fans. To this
end, racetracks will
now be heavily
greased to promote
more difficult turning
and increase the
likelihood of crashing.
Contact is also set to
become a part of the
sport, and drivers are
encouraged to ram
each other at every
opportunity.

The idea
supposedly came from
a NASCAR fan’s son.
“He just asked me
one day why the cars
didn’t go ‘boom boom
and burst into flames
as often as he wanted.
I thought about it for a
moment and then sent
in a letter right away.
Oh, the brilliance of
the young,” beamed
Biggex Plosion, the
proud father.

The drivers of
NASCAR reportedly

e

f

aren't as happy about
the changes.

Bieber and One
Direction up for
award

Teen pop sensations
Justin Bieber and
One Direction are the
finalists for 2012’s
Most Masculine
Celebrity of the Year
award.

“Tm really
surprised and
humbled by this,” said
Bieber, “A lot of people
told me that I’d never
make it to this point,
but I always just tell
them never say never.”

One Direction
simply burst into the
chorus of their hit song
“What Makes You
Beautiful” when asked
about the award, much
to the chagrin of the
interviewer.

The results will
be revealed on Punk’d
next month.

(AU S|roscopes

Capricorn

There seems to be a
slight electricity problem
with your house. It
appears that your
neighbor has found a
way to steal your power.
You might want to call a
professional to help cut
them off, as doing it on
your own could lead to
some very bad things.

Aquarius

An unsettling letter
will arrive soon: your
credit card bill for
December. Looking
back, I guess you really
didn’t need two dozen
flamethrowers after all.

Pisces

Your computer will
suddenly die right
before your eyes and
you won’t have enough
money to buy anew
one for a few months.
The question is: can you
survive without porn
until then?

Aries

Today, your cellphone
won't stop ringing
loudly and the off
button is broken...for
some reason. You have
a class with a professor
who hates cellphones
and you didn’t get a
locker. Good luck.

Taurus

You'll run into some
unexpected traffic today
when a major highway
is blocked by a whole
pile of dead fish. Look, I
needed to clean out my
fish tank and this was
the only way I could get
rid of them!

Gemini

Today you and your
partner will get into

an argument over the
cost of anew Kobo Arc.
Meanwhile, you still
haven’t bought your
books yet and none of
them are available in
eBook form.

Cancer

Today you will get into
a fight with a homeless
man over which is
better: toast or bread.
You will both be kicked
off the bus and will
continue your argument
all over town.

Leo

Planning to go on

a vacation is a very
unwise decision in the
middle of the semester.
But if you insist, how
about going to Alaska?

Virgo

You will have a dream
about having to drive

a bus in the middle of

a lake. The dream will

end with you going toa
library, where you will
be greeted by talking
ducks. This is all very
unsettling.

Libra

The caffeine hasn’t worn
off yet and you’re still
buzzing around like

a hummingbird. Who
would have thought that
just by taking an Advil
with coffee that you'd
already be busy working
on next year’s Christmas
cards.

Scorpio

Today you will find
yourself having to run to
several stores to stock up
on notebooks. It seems
that the bookstore has
run out of notebooks
and you can’t find more
than one anywhere else.

Sagittarius

You need some good
sense today because
your friend is going
through some tough
times with his or her
partner and is unable to
think clearly. You should
propose that you both
hang out at a nightclub
to help relieve the
emotional stress.

With files from Livia
Turnbull

23