WT Fiction the walrus in the wall josh mewilliams S a walrus in the wall— or behind the door— all I could hear was the roar— every second or so. arrr arfrr arrrr. like some mammoth circus beast, train- et crack a whip! arr arr arrr. in a sad attempt to tame the terrible noise the bartender turned the music up. some soft easy-music-melody for- gotten from long ago, too loud for this rainy-Sunday Helsinki bar I find myself in. talking with a co-worker about books— chain smoking— coffee drink- ing— watching the rain. it was a sad attempt because you could still hear him. arrr arrr arrr. and the music began to skip. loud easy- music-skipping and the sea-beast wail- _ ing. smoke began to thicken— a group of wet trench coats came in. the cold air came with them. too distracted now to continue our conversation. I witness what unfolds. . the trench coats disappear and the music stops, the balls stop rolling on the pool tables. the walls now frozen and silent and the smoke stands still in the air: they say it is impossible— but it happens right then. life stops. my heart beats on— I can hear it— but a moment of nothing— nothing. no beast— no bartender— no rain. the pool balls stop. not even a Cyclops, unicorn or time traveling midget. then a phone rings on an empty coat rack beside an empty magazine rack beside an empty table in the corner beside us. this is a strange and long moment— I _think to myself. but I don’t move-I just listen to the phone ring and hear my heart pound. it pounds because this is impossible~ I tell myself. and then— back to normal. the moment ends. our conversation continues. the rain falls— the pool balls roll. easy listening on the tadio but this time softly. how it should be. and now the walrus is no more. - what way did the trench coats go? My fellow, patriotic Americans, Today, I speak to you as the President of the United States of America, your President, not as the Leader of the Free World. I want to talk to you about patriotism, about preventing terrorist attacks on our country and about how you can all be involved in our War against the Evildoers, even when you arte look- ing out of your front window. My fellow, patriotic Americans, you will no doubt be familiar with the unpa- triotic leaking of information relat- ing to the monitoring of the air- waves for information about Evildoers and Terrorists; in fact anyone who has unpatriotic feelings about our great country. It has been called snooping, it has been called eavesdropping and it has been called an invasion of people’s privacy. It is none of these things my fellow, patriotic Americans, it is none of these things. We have Evildoers living amongst us who believe that the America we know and love should be replaced with an America that has universal healthcare for all, that has freedom of religious belief only if you are Muslim, that has a com- munist economic outlook and that has an army which stays at home and doesn’t ever travel abroad to increase its effectiveness and to gain valuable experience and informa- tion about its tactics, weapons and soldiers. These Evildoers live amongst us and we need to find them. These people phone each other and these people e-mail each other. Their communications identi- fy them as Evildoers and Terrorists who must be apprehended. These people sometimes use coded mes- sages to exchange information. We have identified some of their meth- ods and messages, and I will give you an example, just to show how apparently innocent messages con- tain details of evil intentions, evil deeds and the thoughts of the Evildoers. “I am going to pick up the children from school and then go to Wal-Mart to do the shopping” really means “I have the suitcase containing the nuclear bomb in my SUV and I will deliver this bomb and the rocket-launchers to the back-door of the mosque at mid- night on Wednesday.” Information like this is invaluable in the War against the Evildoers. We need more information like this to pre- vent another 9/11. To win our War against the Evildoers, this most American of all wars, we need to monitor the phone calls and e-mails of the Evildoers. These Evildoers come in all shapes, sizes, colours, and ages, my fellow, patriotic Americans. In our great country, with freedom of speech for all, we can’t just confine our monitoring to known trouble- makers. Some Evildoers are not known to us, but we know they exist, we just have to identify them. Our monitoring is the best and most effective way of doing this. We know this concerns you, my fel- low, patriotic Americans, we know this concerns you greatly. In fact, 5,349,492 of you mentioned it in your phone conversations on Saturday: 423,983 in Maryland alone. 873,932 Americans sent 1 8 THE OTHER PRESS NOVEMBER 9 2006 emails on this subject to each other on the same day, mostly on the East and West coasts of our great coun- try. Mr. Jones of 8633 Acacia Avenue, French Lick, Indiana you have no need to worry; Miss Smythe of Pittsburgh PA, you have no need to be concerned; and Mrs. Gonzalez of El Nino Street, Santa Fe, New Mexico, don’t be fright- ened that your dog will be run over by a Ford truck containing a terror- ist with evil deeds in mind. We ate monitoring all your communica- tions to prevent the terrorists strik- ing again. Don’t worry about your private information being circulated to people who might use this infor- mation against you! What could my administration, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the Pentagon, the Senate, the Congress, the Marines, the US Army, the US Navy and the US Air Force do with your personal infor- mation? The answer is nothing at all, my fellow, patriotic Americans, nothing at all. My fellow, patriotic Americans, you can help us in our War against the Evildoers. If you see a suspi- cious act of potential terrorism when you are looking through your . front window, you won't have to phone 911 and ask for the police. Now, all you will have to do is phone a friend, any friend at all, and say the words “I see a potential terrorist at work.” Right away, the Marines will be dispatched to the scene. There is no need to give your name and your address, as we have ’ that information already, so the Marines will be there within sec- onds to apprehend the suspects before they do harm to our great country. My fellow, patriotic Americans, I know you will support me and my administration in our efforts to eradicate evil and the Evildoers from our great country. Our moni- toring will enable us to achieve this in a very rapid manner. I know I can count on your support. My fi low, patriotic Americans we'll be tening to you, to ensure your safe and we will win this War against 1 Evildoers together. George W. Bush