No one is a Tory now Right Hook JJ McCullough, OP Columnist Canada was founded by Tories—of that there can be no doubt. Sir John A. MacDonald was certainly a Tory, as were most of his successors in the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada. Nineteenth century Canada was very much a ‘Tory nation. Preston Manning was not a ‘Tory. His Alberta-based Reform Party was founded in direct opposition to the Tory establishment that was firmly entrenched in Ottawa at the time. After the 1993 election, Manning’s unique blend of populist-conser- vatism effectively eclipsed Toryism as the dominant form of conservative ideology in the country. The transition had been a long time coming, however. Ever since he became leader of the PC party in 1983, Brian Mulroney had worked hard to move Canada’s Conservatives towards an agenda of Reaganite free-market libertarianism, and away from the Tory traditions of John Diefenbaker and Robert Stanfield. When the remnants of the PC party merged with the Canadian Alliance in 2003, the death of Toryism was complete. This reality was made all the more obvious by the fact that some of the most outspoken critics of the merger were hard-line tradi- tional Tories like Joe Clark and David Orchard. And yet, despite the death of Canadian Tories, the Canadian media continues to refer to members of the Conservative Party of Canada as “Tories.” The media clearly believes that “Tory” is simply a Canadian synonym for “Conservative,” when the reality could not be further from the truth. True, Tories are conservative in a broad sense, but their concept of what consti- tutes conservatism is actually radically different from what passes as mainstream conservatism today. The values, priorities, and goals of Tories have little in common with that of the modern Conservative Party, which is what makes the media’s use of the title such a misnomer. So what is the difference? Here’s a Tory checklist: vA Tory is someone who celebrates the British torching of the White House in the 1812 War and hangs portraits of Laura Secord and Benedict Arnold in his dining room. vA Tory is someone who will launch into a lengthy lecture on the correct “styles of address” if he overhears someone refer to Paul Martin as Mr. Prime Minister instead of simply “Prime Minister.” va Tory is someone who will proudly declare that he was against the French Revolution. v A Tory is someone who will write a letter to the editor condemning Canada’s “creeping republicanism” after his local library takes down a dusty portrait of Queen Elizabeth Il and replaces it with a collection of chil- dren’s art. VA Tory is someone who shakes his head and sighs when he hears the name Mahatma Gandhi. vA Tory is someone who thinks the biggest problem with Adrienne Clarkson is that she did not unilaterally dissolve parliament or veto any laws at any time during her term in office. v A Tory is someone who spends his free time at a social club with some combination of the following words in the title: Empire, United, Monarchist, or League. VA Tory is someone who thinks the Senate needs to be reformed so that it’s li ritain’ f : more like Britain’s House of Lords Secteael wines You Are What You Aint As if—why Liberals are hella bunk and mad wack Left Over Brandon Ferguson, OP Contributor As Sir Iain Reeve has been so kind as to step aside for a week and let me take a turn at stirring the pot and heating up leftist passions for another sizzling serving of Leftovers, I wanted to lambaste the crack-pot assertion that “liberal” actually means what it says. For the past dozen years, Canadians have elected the federal Liberal party. During that tenure, we’ve seen a rejuvenated economy (as has most everyone else who wasn’t dropping billions on ballistic missile testing and democracy building), a long awaited health care deal between the provincial and federal govern- ments, and some Watergate-like scan- dal. Provincially speaking, for the past five years we’ve elected the BC Liberals. During this tenure, we’ve seen a rejuvenated economy (how’s that working out for you guys?), the long expected sale of every Crown corporation they could get their hands on, and some Nick Nolte-like scandal. The feds have enjoyed the global resurgence in economy, as will happen in a free market system; the province has had an economic resurgence due to unruly zero mandates for unions, tuition hikes, and the slashing of social programs. The feds bent over and gave fat cash to the provinces for health care because it was their sole election promise—and the system is still in critical condition; the province has sold, or has okayed the sale of, nearly every Crown corporation we own(ed)- corporations like BC Rail, BC Hydro in bits and pieces, and coming soon to a Texan near you, Terasen. And as for scandal, what do they say about absolute power absolutely corrupting? Give Ottawa weasels a dozen years and they’re bound to get bored...and greedy. And the hypocrisy of Gordo Campbell’s bumper car ses- sion in Hawaii followed by his bleary- eyed photo-op kind of makes Glen Clark’s back deck look like, well, a freaking back deck. When comparing the headhunt that Campbell’s opposi- tion Liberals undertook to dethrone the NDP over 2x4’s, nails, and a nicer place to throw a BBQ with Gordo’s refusal to step down, it’s so two-faced it makes Michael Jackson’s mug look relatively stable. These are all “liberal” government doings. When I was a kid, getting a liberal serving of gravy meant that the plate was swimming and extra Yorkshire puddings were coming. It meant gen- erous. It meant satisfying my wants for a more fulfilling meal experience, and when it comes to the meat-and- potatoes of life, these “liberal” jack- asses keep serving up heaping piles of horse radish and bullshit. When you regularly read the ram- bunctious ramblings and wistful won- derings of our JJ from the right and Tain from the left, you see both dichotomy and harmony. Though their views are diametrically opposed, they are both forged in the hope for a better Canada and ultimately a nicer world. To lean right is to support fis- cal restraint, economy building through tax cuts, smaller government, stronger international standing, and stauncher moral values. ‘To lean left is to splurge on social programs, support harm reduction principles, tax the shit out of those who can give, stand up internationally for what is important to Canadians, and, if need be, tax a lit- tle more in the name of fairness to all. The right screams: “fag—you’re going into debt over dumbasses on the street too lazy to work.” The left screams: “homophobe—you'te drag- ging us back into the dark ages.” As the only two sides with any real idea of what they want their world to look like continue to duke it out ideal- istically, enter in the Liberals, whose slogan may as well be: “We ain’t what you fear most.” Far from being Liberal, they are the new definition of what a Canadian is: a fence-sitting ninny. They sit in the middle, waiting to see which way the wind blows, and then fall on whichev- er side the public deems the grass to be greener on. And, if the wind changes directions, they simply claim that they were pushed (by the need for a united Canada with Quebec in it; by the eventual need to say no to the US war in Iraq; by Maher Arar’s uncanny ability to not go away). Continued on page 10