Shis issue:

( A practical guide to icebreaker games

(¥Y Ghosting: A Pre-Valentines guide

Netflix debuts its dating service

And more!

By Joel McCarthy

Mars... and bars?

» New reality show aims to populate red
planet with attractive jerks

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
humour
@theotherpress.ca

 

I there life beyond Earth for

the planet’s sexiest beings?
Ina move that television

insiders say was “duh,

inevitable,” the American

for-profit organization

Mars Five has announced a

Broadcasting Company, Lance
Bass, and NASA to produce a
revolutionary new reality show
that will bring the hottest and
douchiest humans on Earth to
live out the rest of their lives—
on camera!—on the planet
Mars.

“As a network—nay, as a
species—we ve simply run out
of sexy locales in which the
beautiful jerks of the human
race can mingle,” said lead
show runner for the program,
Marc Burnetto. “Mars Shore
solves this by taking the biggest
idiots and the hottest babes
and letting us watch while
they move their game from the
beach and the bar to the sandy
beaches of the red planet!”

titled Mars Shore, will follow
the fun casting process on
Earth, and then the incredibly
difficult 54.6-million kilometre
journey from Earth to Mars.
Cameras will keep rolling until
cast members eventually grow
old and die, with subsequent
spinoff “New Generation”
series in the works, provided
Mars Shore is a success with
audiences.

“You never know, people
might get bored with reality

: not though, since we will be

: sending people away from their
: home planet for the rest of their
: natural lives!”

The show will be cast

: from a pool of 300,000 whiny

: girls, overtly chauvinistic men,

: models with self-esteem issues,

: sweet dunces, and good-looking
: people who tend to air on the

: side of beefin’ with each other.

: From this pool, 50 of the worst

: and dimmest will be selected for
collaboration with the Universal a rigorous two-month training
: regime to prepare contestants
: for interplanetary space travel
: and life on another planet.

“Like,” said potential cast

: member Britney O’Hara, 22, “I
: feel it’s my duty to make sure
: Mars isn’t full of bitches, you
: know?”

Indeed, a significant

: consideration of the casting
: process will be of potential cast
: members’ abilities to populate a
: new planet with human life.

“IT mean, we don't want

to start the planet off with

: people who don't look good ina
: bathing suit, am I right?” asked
: Burnetto.

“Yeah, yeah, I like that we'll

be responsible for populating

: the planet,” noted sexy bachelor
The reality show, tentatively : Juan Pablo from the reality
show The Bachelor, who is

: rumoured to be auditioning

: for Mars Shore producers. “I’m

: areal big fan of shows where I

: get to bonea pre-selected pool

: of hot women—and the space

: thing sounds hot... just like me!”

Casting for the show is

slated to conclude by the end

: of 2014 with the show’s earthly

: season airing shortly thereafter;
: the show's cast and crew will

: then leave planet Earth in late

2016, never to return.
TV,’ conceded Burnetto. “I hope :

 

Been told you're too funny?
Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www theotherpress.ca

Indifference 101

» New program rewards students for skills in lethargy

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
humour
@theotherpress.ca

D o you feel that your true
strengths are not being

properly recognized as a part
of your academic program? Do
you thrive in an environment

winter 2024, Douglas College
is launching an exciting new
degree program in Academic
Indifference. The program—
which offers slothful students
the opportunity to earn an
eight-year-ish bachelor’s degree
in General Nothingness—
responds to an overwhelming
surge of students who feel like
they are not being recognized
for their aptitude in sitting

on their phones during class.
“Like, I don’t know,” said
potential first-year student

: Chloe Silverado. “I guess I could
: do it, if my mom, like, makes
: me.

”

Program head and Razzie

: Award-acclaimed Twilight

: actress Kristen Stewart echoed
: Silverado’s sentiments about

: the new program, stating

: succinctly, “Whatever.”

Graduates of the flexible

: . a . : degree program can look
of mediocre inactivity? Starting : ¢,-ward to so-so careers aS
: movie extras, sperm donors,
: and IT support. For more

: information, do not contact

Douglas College.

Apathy no1: This intro

   

: program, as organizers got tired
: of thinking about requiring

: anything else and gave up after
: writing this syllabus.

Studies in halfheartedly

: hiding that you're texting

: 2023: This course explores

: methods of texting without

: being super obvious about it—

: but without, like, stressing over
: it. Examples include texting

: behind a shield of your own hair
: and texting when you're pretty

: sure your instructor’s back is

: turned.

Skipping stuff 3012: This

: course investigates strategies
: Interested? Here is a sampling of :
: potential courses to be offered in
: Academic Indifference:

for developing essential life

: skills in not showing up to

: commitments—without

: : failing your course or getting
: course offers students lessons in :
: ennui. Coursework is focussed
. _ + around watching old episodes
around, zoning out, and playing = o¢ Girls and then tweeting
about how “real” you find the
: characters. This course is the

: only pre-requisite class in the

fired from your job. The class

features an innovate curriculum
: in which students are

: rewarded for coming up with
increasingly creative excuses

: for not attending class (e.g. cat

: funeral).

 

 

The Mis-Adventures of the

Princess of Royal Ave

By Sharon Miki
= wn
Hey Princess! Are you,
like, totally stoked about
the Couachella lineup?

    
   

| thought about it Eric,
| but, to be honest, I'm not
really that inte it.

| mean... | always FLY first class,
so why should | settle for coach
when it comes to my music?

/ | have standards.
rr