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Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

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Student sanely, successfully
graduates college responsibly

» Experts baffled at anomaly

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

Ao college student’s recent
ccomplishment has sent
experts from all across the world
into a frenzy. In a move attracting
the attention of representatives
everywhere—from the Vatican

to Ripley’s Believe it Or Not!—

degree on time with no issues
whatsoever.

Gilmour entered into
the Bachelor of Arts program
only four years ago, officially
declaring his intent to major in
Communications with a minor in
Marketing. Only eight semesters
later, he is projected to become
the first student in history to
graduate on time with no change
in major or mental health crisis.
Even more shockingly, Gilmour
has maintained a 3.5 or higher
GPA throughout his academic
path, and has no outstanding
student loan debt.

He has attributed his success
to things like “scholarships,” “

: goals,” and “responsible time

: management.” Although such

: concepts are considered foreign or
: even repulsive to the majority of

: college students, studies show that :
: academic success is indeed linked
; to responsibility.

However, the student

: system anomaly does not have

: everyone applauding. Concerns
: about Gilmour's success have

: been expressed by both his

: current professors and future
Timothy Gilmour, 22, is confirmed : employers. Sociology professor
: Glen Beckman was particularly

to be on track to receive his college :
: bothered by Gilmour's progress

: in his final semester. “He handed
: every assignment in on time! He

: double-checked with me about

: upcoming midterms and his

: Current progress to ensure all his

: requirements were being met. He
: even visited me during my allotted :
: office hours because he didn’t :
: understand the material fully!

: Cooperative students—what was
: he playing at?”

Vibe Communications Inc.

: has been reviewing Gilmour's

: resumé for consideration after his
: graduation. “I don’t understand

: it” explained HR manager Greg

: Milton. “This graduate has no
clear : gaps in his academic record, has
: outstanding knowledge of the

: field, and even has internship

: experience. We're just not used
: to hiring people with actual

: qualifications and relevant

degrees. I really hope this is

: some sort of computer glitch.
: Competent graduates entering the
: workforce make all of us look bad.”

A paper analyzing the

: trend of Gilmout’s success—

: academically published by

: Gilmour as his senior thesis—

: suggests the anomaly is unlikely
: to occur again. The college system
: will continue to push out lazy,

: unmotivated, unstable, and

: degree-hopping graduates. Their
: disappointing and incompetent

: accomplishments are on par

: with the disappointment and

: incompetence of the academic
system and job market beyond

graduation.
One analysis for Gilmout’s

: strange story is the fact that he

: shot specifically for a Bachelor's

: degree. Statistics show 95 per

: cent of students are not driven

: enough fora full four years, and

: instead pursue Associate's degrees,
: certificates, or diplomas—pieces

: of paper that take just as long

: to obtain in general, but are

: significantly less useful.

This issue:

(¥ ALERT: Robbery on campus
(¥ The meaning of life:
(Y “Status No” speaks

And more!

 
 

Image via Disney

‘A letter from the

destruction

» One man’s part in the salvation of
humanity

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

My Dearest Lauren,

I write you from the rubble, the ruin, and the remnants of what
was once a great city. The hours are long, and the work seems

never-ending. The other day Jim and I uncovered a basement of
corpses; it was in one of the buildings that were smashed by the

Hulk in the battle against the Chitauri.

It appears the Avengers have left us to pick up the pieces of
their heroic war, and though we are all immensely grateful to
them; for saving us, our loved ones, the whole world... the death

tolls are high, and the aftermath, horrific.

Do you remember the two-year rebuild project ’'d worked
on back in 2002? After Spider-Man’s confrontation of That
Green Weirdo? That was nothing compared to this. I may not
be home for a long time, my sweet. Please tell the children I

love them. I hope they will remember me, when I return.

We dont have it so bad, come to think of it. Rumour has
it that trouble is brewing over in Gotham, and Eric, a friend
of mine out that way, says there's talk of that destructive
Superman going around. It’s a pity; they’ve just finished
cleaning up after the Joker. I may be relocated there, if the worst
should happen.

Electricity hasn’t returned to the city yet, with the exception
of the Stark Manor aglow in the distance. The nights are cold
and dark, and that Tony doesn’t seem to care about helping us

unless it involves killing things in that dumb suit.

I sometimes wonder why I took this job, for I miss you
dearly, and my back isn’t what it used to be—but I know
someone has to do it. After the explosions, the lasers, the car/
helicopter/motorcycle/fighter-jet crashes, and those damnable
Norse gods causing all kinds of ruckus, I know that it’s left to
the common folk to tend to their wounds.

I saved a child, the other day. Resuscitated her from the
edge of death. She looked me in the eyes and said “Iron Man, he
saved us.” And though she spoke truth, I cringed at the name all
the same.

We will be lucky to go a year or two before a fresh threat
appears in this city, whether by his making or by the powers he’s
meddled with.

Please don’t worry about me; I’ve made it through all that
Iron Man could subject this city to, a few Spider-Men, and even
the mess left by that odd group of turtles. I can handle whatever
awaits us.

We'll have our day, soon. I promise.

— Chandler Walter, Destruction Manager
of Superhuman Affairs and Restoration