The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam@ gmail.com Guitar Hero Match Threatens to End Friendship, Lives By “Salty” Liam Britten PORT COQUITLAM, BC— Although no one could have predicted it at the night’s beginning, a “friendly” match of the video game Guitar Hero IT ultimately resulted in serious injuries, property damage, and possible legal action between Greg Olsen, 21, and Leeanne LeBeau, 20. The match occurred at the house of Amy MacGuire, during a small house party of approximately ten to 15 guests. Olsen and LeBeau were seen drinking lightly and telling jokes with other friends until approximately 10:30 PM, when mutual friend Christine Rennolds arrived at the party with the Guitar Hero II game, two guitar-shaped controllers, and a PlayStation 2 console. Within minutes, a friendly game was arranged. “C’mon Greg, let’s play this thing,” LeBeau invited. “Well, okay, but I’ve never really played,” Olsen replied. The game involved the two “playing” Cheap Trick’s hit song “Surrender.” Olsen soundly defeated LeBeau, eliciting a negative response from LeBeau. “What the fuck?” she said. “You said you never played!” “Well, I’ve played like, twice or whatever,” he responded. The next match involved playing Rancid’s “Salvation,” with LeBeau emerging the winner. “Yeah! Eat it, bitch!” LeBeau taunted. “God, you’re a skank,” Olsen replied. “Shut the hell up.” “What did you just say?” LeBeau demanded. “You’re such a bad loser.” The tensions continued to mount; during a rendition of Rush’s “YYZ,” Olsen triumphed, but LeBeau cried foul. “You cheated! You cheater Greg! You cheated!” she shouted. “You totally hit the pause button to throw me off!” “Leeanne, I hit it accidentally,” Olsen retorted. “Now who’s being a bad loser? Besides, you totally keep touching my guitar with yours; you're trying to throw me Olsen (left) and LeBeau, moments before chaos struck off!” Next up was Heart’s “Crazy on You,” but halfway through the round, violence broke out. Witnesses remain unsure of who threw the first blow, but by the end of it, blood was everywhere, and MacGuire’s basement had been ruined. As of press time, charges have been filed, with Olsen claiming assault, saying, “she used her nails to take a lot of blood out of me.” LeBeau is counter-suing, saying, “he got a lot of blood under my nails.” Party guests were universally disappointed at the pair’s poor show of sportsmanship. “They ruined my house, and they almost killed each other, what were they thinking?” commented MacGuire. “And what really gets me mad is they were totally hogging the game, I wanted to play Christine, shit was on that night.” CAPS LOCK KEY BROKEN IN “OTHER PRESS” OFFICE ” LIAM BRITTEN BY “SAL New WESTMINSTER, BC— THE NEW WEMINSTER OFFICE OF THE OTHER PRESS WAS THE SCENE OF TECHNICAL PROBLEMS YESTERDAY, AS THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON COMPUTER NUMBER TWO USED BY HUMOUR EDITOR LIAM BRITTEN WAS BROKEN ALL DAY. “IT’S REALLY ANNOYING” BRITTEN SAID. “I MEAN I’M TRYING TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE BUT BECAUSE IT’S IN ALL CAPS ITS LIKE T?’'M SHOUTING MY ARTICLES AT. -THE- - READER. FORTUNATELY I ACTUALLY AM YELLING ALL THESE ARTICLES. PAY ATTENTION YOU DAMN KIDS!” EDITOR_IN_ CHIEF J.J. MCCULLOUGH WAS EXTREMELY UNHAPPY WITH THE DIFFIULTIES. “IT’S RIDICULOUS. I THINK IT’S REALLY TAKING AWAY FROM THE QUALITY OF OUR ARTICLES,” MCCULLOUGH REVEALED. “I MEAN, I WANTED TO WRITE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT HOW MY AUNT IRA BOMBED A _ BUILDING IN NORTH IRELAND. BUT NOW OUR HEADLINE READS “IRA BOMBS EMBASSY IN BELFAST,’ AND NOW EVERYONE’S GOING TO THINK THE IRISH REPUBLICAN ARMY IS BACK! WE’RE LETTING DOWN ALL THE PEOPLE WHO READ THE OTHER PRESS FOR SERIOUS NEWS REPORTING. I’M ASHAMED.” ADDED MCCULLOUGH: “OH YEAH, I GUESS I SHOULD TELE MOM HER SISTER BOMBED ANOTHER’ EMBASSY.” IT WAS UNCLEAR WHEN TECH SUPPORT WOULD BE ABLE TO REPLACE THE FAULTY CAPS LOCK KEY. THERE HAVE BEEN A SWATH OF COMPUTER-RELATED PROBLEMS PLAGUING THE COLLEGEOFLATEANDTHETIMEOF REPAIR IS CURRENTLY UNCErtain. Oh wait, never mind, it works again.