ARTS& ENTERTAINMENT ‘Smith & Hargreaves at the Movies: Benchwarmers Steph Smith and Trevor Hargreaves, Rob Schneider’s Towel Boys Three outcasts witness a young boy being beaten up on the baseball diamond. They all know how he feels, having been picked on as children as well. Upon hearing that the boy only wanted to play baseball, they devise a plan. They will challenge all the bully baseball teams to a tournament, the winner to receive their very own baseball park. From the production team that brought you most Adam Sandler movies comes this brand new heaping pile of crap! Smith: Where do I even start with this monstrosity? I mean, honestly, the only reason I even went was because I was hung over as hell and sitting in the dark watching a mindless movie almost seemed like a good idea at the time. And to be honest, I can see why peo- ple would like this movie. It's very lowbrow humour. If you enjoyed the trailer for the film, you'll more than likely enjoy the rest of the crappy ride. Of course, you may need to have suffered moderate to severe brain damage to really get anything out of this flick, but that's okay. Even the clinically brain dead need some kind of entertainment. Benchwarmets stats your favourite washed up Saturday Night Live actors, David Spade and Rob Schneider. I know, it's already screaming sure fire hit, but wait! There's more! It also stars funny-man Jon Lovitz and Napoleon Dynamite, er...Jon Heder. But honestly, it could have been Napoleon Dynamite! He has never and will never play any other role, ever. I don't think he can. Not because of typecasting, but because Jon Heder is actually Napoleon Dynamite. That was not a character, but the real Heder with crazy hair and clothes. New West Cinemas 555, 6th Street, New Westminster, BC, V7L 5H1 Ph/Fax: 604.526.0379 Email: ncinemas@yahoo.ca Movie Info: 604.526.0332 Website: www.atnymovie.com Anyway, the film tries hard to be funny, but when something tries too hard, it just looks tired and pathetic. The only laughs I could muster up were due to the fact that the person I was with and I were making ridiculous comments about the film. We were forced to entertain ourselves. If you want to see something funny, don't see this film. If you feel like paying a few dollars to sit in the dark and mock a movie relentlessly, maybe pay for it. But even then, I think the film is better off being used in an old oil drum to keep people warm under a bridge. And even then, I would be worried that the stink of Benchwarmers would permeate into those people and never wash off. This is one of the worst films I have ever seen. I would recommend that it be kept at least 500 feet from all people at all times. Can you issue a restraining order to a movie? I hope so. Hargreaves: If one were to ask the writers of this film a question from the well-known Proustian questionnaire by Bernard Pivot, it would certainly be “what is your least favorite word?” The inevitable answer to such a query would likely yield the answer “sucks”; for indeed this film harbours little suckage, and a great deal of fackin' awesomeness. As all great screenwriters are aware, to craft a truly timeless cinematic classic, several plot elements are necessary. First and foremost, a classic man vs. man or man vs. himself situation must unfold. I forward the classic example of Charles Foster Kane battling with his own isolation in the timeless Citizen Kane. The story grips the viewer to their very soul. Another fine example is the timeless battle of the Angel Beach High School guys and their cunning shenanigans against Porky in Porky's Revenge. These two cinematic goldmines well-demonstrate the benefit of taking humanity's fear and emotion, decon- structing them, and putting them back together in new and enrapturing ways. Such is the case in the brilliant Benchwarmers. This astounding film quickly establishes a variety of challenges that stir up emotion in even the most hardened of hearts. Within minutes, I was weeping uncontrollably at the blinding beauty of the script. When a boy is held down and farted upon, I shuddered at the cutting edge cinematography. When Josh Heder tapes a baseball bat to his wrist to avoid dropping it, I leapt from my chair and raised my arms to the heavens. But amazingness and excellentness aren't all this film has to offer. It also delves into a myriad of social issues such as “how to conquer agoraphobia,” “what kind of film roles can a second-rate SNL alumnus expect to land,’ and more importantly “In what new and celebrated ways can thirty-three year-olds pick on little kids?” In short, I was moved. It was simply solid as a rock. On till the crack of dawn. Hotter than a 7/11 bean burrito. Done like disco. Sweet, petit, and ready to meet. Do you dig what I'm telling you? Are you listening? What is your god-damn problem? Shut up and pay attention! Sometimes I feel that you ate ugly and fat. This film spoke to me, it speaks to us all. It speaks to America. God bless us. God bless everyone. Oh, and Jon Lovitz shows up driving Knight Rider. I found it on teh in rweb! This Week’s Website: YouTube and Google Video YouTube and Google Video are a pair of sites that have been begging to be made. While the Internet has been very good at creating one-stop sites where we can find music and photos of videos collected from all over the Internet. Comedy of the inten- tional and voyeur variety is the centrepiece here, but other videos ranging from odd to informative are also present. Iain W. Reeve, Internet Ranger many different kinds in a single place, using a single format, video was a major holdout. For whatever reason, to find funny videos to watch you always had to download three or four different media players, get tons of codecs, download from dozens of sites, and worry about a myriad of formats. Not anymore my friends; a pair of wicked sites have stepped up and unified video under one roof! The first one, brought to us by our good friends at Google, follows a formula similar to their other work. Going to www.video.google.com will give you a plethora of options. Besides the ability to download episodes of your favourite shows for money, you can also browse a constantly growing number of And www.youtube.com has a much more organized feel. Separated into categories, searchable by name, the ability to create a list of your favourite videos, and the ability to upload your own videos, makes YouTube the ultimate video site. Comedic videos, videos taken at concerts, video blogs, video personals, newsreels, for sale ads, video game clips, it's all here. Hours of entertain- ment, information, and satisfaction for the low low price of free. So go explore the world of video. Personally, I recommend the recent trend of fake trailers people have created. ‘Try search- ing “Shining,” “Titanic 2)’ and “Brokeback to the Future” in YouTube for some sweet laughs.