issue 10 // volume 42

Canadian Tire-d
of this bullshit

» Canadians take bold course of action to
secure their funds

et

ra

          

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Image via huffingtonpost.ca

"af
, >’ '

: of the US Dollar, which has

: begun to pique the interest of

: our neighbours to the south.

: “We're seeing a very large

: number of American visitors,

: uncharacteristically high for

: this time of year,’ Peace Arch

: border guard Don Roberts

: stated in an interview.

: Seeing such success with

: an in-store currency, other

: retail giants have following suit
: by implementing their own

: privately regulated dollars.

: Ina Saturday press

: conference, BC Walmart

: representative Craig Walton had
: this to say: “Here at Walmart,

: we have no plans for citizens

: to be able to trade in their

: Canadian currency for ‘Walmart
: Dollars} we only plan for our

: customers to continue trading
: in their morals and ethics for

: cheap, imported goods.”

: For the time being, it

: appears the CTD will thrive

: as the only privately regulated

: form of currency north of the

: border, and with Canadian

: Tire making a name for itself

: on the international scale,

: it’s hard to see an end to their

: worldwide economic presence.
: So will we see the CTD surpass
: precious metals as the new gold
> standard in economic value?

: This reporter sure thinks so.

David Manky
Senior Columnist

Wee the Canadian dollar
nearing an all-time
low, some citizens have taken
the liberty of converting their
money into the more stable
Canadian Tire Dollar.

“J just want to know my
money is safe,” said Chuck
Douglas, a 34-year Mission, BC
resident. “I don’t want to go
to the bank and get 3 quarters
American for a loonie. If that
means converting all of my
money into cold, hard Canadian
Tire cash, that’s what Ill do.”

When asked how he planned
to buy items not regularly stocked
by the retail super-store, such
as fresh food, Douglas could
only reply with an expression
of confusion and regret.

The weakened dollar has
affected all of Canada, and with
no signs of improvement in the
near future, Douglas is not the
only one abandoning the sinking
ship of the Royal Canadian
Mint to board Canadian Tire’s
amply-inflated dinghy of hope.

Canadian currency exchanges
are being made in record
numbers, sending the store’s
currency, the “Canadian Tire
Dollar” (CTD), skyrocketing.

As of October 30, the value
of the CTD has surpassed that

 

humour // no. 23

 

Daylight savings time
ignites conflict

» Petition gaining support for major changes

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

Aw call for change has
erupted, re-evaluating
the idea that we need to set
our clocks back an hour, as
we did this September 1.
Daylight Savings Time
(DST), the act of falling behind
by an hour in autumn and
springing ahead by one in the
spring, has been a custom
Canadians and Americans have
followed since the First World
War one to optimize the use
of daylight, and now many are
calling to change the practice.
Will Bowen, a student at
Douglas College, began the
petition shortly after changing
his clocks, and has since seen

thousands sign. The issue, Bowen ——
> idea,” Fiendler said. “The sun

: would set as humankind arose.
: All would be in a suspended state :
: of turmoil, with their internal

: clocks busted and useless. The

said, is that DST is not doing
enough to help local students
in the form it takes now.

“T like the idea, Ido,” Bowen
said. “I just think it can be

: harnessed to a greater extent.
: If we, humans, can just decide
: to change time, the very thing
: we live our lives by, then why

: not take it a step further?”

Bowen's goal is to

: implement a “Sanity Savings
: Time (SST)” which would

: be similar to DST, but occur
: every Sunday of the year.

“Just imagine,” Bowen said,

: “a whole extra hour of sleep

: every Saturday night. Downtown
: clubs could stay open until

: three, the SkyTrain would run

: an extra hour, and there would

: be more time to binge-watch

: Netflix instead of studying.”

Bowen is not alone in the

: rally for SST, as local satanic

: cult leader Lucifer Fiendler has

: stepped up to throw his—and his
: followers’—support to Bowen.

“T think it is a really nice

 

: blackness of night would swallow
: the sanity of many. The world

: would bea darkened place and
: hell flame would engulf the sky

”

Fiendler also agrees that

: an extended Saturday night

: would be in the interest of

: all: “Sometimes a guy just

: likes to kick back and lounge,
: you know? Satan, would it

: ever work wonders on these

: bags under my eyes.”

Not all are convinced that

a weekly clock change would
: be for the best, as opposition
: tothe petition has arisen from
: the small town of Hill Valley.

“Mankind is not meant

: to meddle with the construct

: of the time space continuum!”
: yelled a half-mad scientist

: who would only give his name
: as “Doc.” He claimed that

: travelling back in time, even

: by an hour, could have severe
: consequences on the future.

For an extra hour of sleep

: every Sunday, this is one reporter
: who is willing to take that risk.

 

(+5 4

4.2
PUMA, dare *

PLESE NT>'

 

    

 

 

by Sarah Walker, Senior Columnist