issue 29 // volume 41 humour // no. 23

“Status No” speaks

» New political party agrees with all, supports none

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

A as-yet-unheard-of party
calling itself “Status No”

has come onto the political
scene, just in time to run

in the upcoming Federal
election. Despite their lack of
public recognition, political
commentator Rex Smurphy
agreed to interview party leader
Bigby Brother on CBC’s The
National.

When questioned on
Status No’s party line, Brother
had this to say: “As a party, we
believe in the tenets of radical
centrism; that is to say, we think
controversy distracts too much
from real political issues, so
we agree with everyone and
everything—all the time.”

Confused, Smurphy asked
Brother how he could possibly

: agree with the conflicting

: agendas of various social justice
: groups. “We agree with the

: feminist call for social reform

: regarding everyday sexism, and

: wealso agree with the men’s

: rights activist movement and

: their views on the same subject,”
: said Brother. “Everyone is on our
: side because we are on everyone’s
: side; that is to say, whenever we

: are wrong, necessarily we are

: right.”

Smurphy pressed the issue,

: asking which lobby groups

: SN officially supports. “All of

: them, nominally,” said Brother,
: “though we refuse to financially
: advantage one group over the

: other. It creates too much :
: political bias, and we don’t like to :
: rock the boat. Disagreeing is just !
: such a bother.” Smurphy asked if
: this had anything to do with SN’s :
: lack of funding, to which Brother :
: replied “Absolutely not,” and :

: declined to comment further.

Brother was eager, however,

: to share his opinion on Prime

: Minister Stephen Harpoon.

: “Well, of course we all agree

: that Harpoon’s Bill C-51 is

: sociopolitical genius, both in its
: original form and after NDP Tom
: Mullet’s proposed amendments.

: We also favour Justin “Bieber”

: Trudeau’s Transparency Act.

: Essentially, we think that

: the government should have

: unfettered access to all private

: information, and that the people
: should be allowed to scrutinize

: all government information.

: This should help to ensure a

: stable Liberal-Conservative-NDP
> coalition, which of course we

also support.”
When pressed for further

: clarification regarding his

party’s philosophy, Brother only
answered, “Yes.”

 

Grammer Time

By Angela Epinoza, Contributor

Dear Kelsey,

 

It has come to my attention that you have not been paying your bills on time. While
I try to keep an open mind and a positive attitude, as your landlord, eight months
without a word from you on your money situation has become somewhat alarming.

Please respond as soon as you can with an explanation as well as your missing rent
in the attached envelope.

— David Hyde Pierce