August 5, 2008

 

 

IN LOVING MEMORY

Meet the new boss; same as the old boss.
-The Who

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

H.. Douglas College. My name is Liam Britten and I’m the new editor-in-chief
of the Other Press. It’s good to meet you. How was your day? Really? She said what?
That’s bullshit, Katy’s a whore and everyone knows it. Don’t let her get to you. I think
you’re beautiful.

A little about myself? How kind of you to ask! I’m a Print Futures student success, and
a film
school failure. My favourite bands include Elvis Costello, the Wu-Tand Clan, and the
Clash. I would eat White Spot’s “Triple-O” sauce with a spoon if they let me, and I never
thought Seinfeld was that funny.

Well, now that we know each other so well, I think it’s time to talk about transitions.
Personally, I think my rise to editorhood was pretty bizarre. 11 months ago, I was an
unpaid joke writer, and now, I somehow am the most senior full-time writer. And when
I think about how all those other writers before me lost their lives, it makes me want to
cry. That’s right, Douglas College; they’re dead. All of them. Tragic circumstances befell
every one of the senior writers you knew and loved. I know we don’t normally publish
obituaries, but I feel some sort of recognition is due for these fallen heroes.

J.J. McCullough: d. 2008; former conservative pundit and newspaper editor.

Known for his efforts to save the pandas by removing government control over the
telecommunications sector in Canada. He was viciously attacked by zombies in his
bedroom, and failed to call Ghostbusters. He rose from the dead as a zombie, and now,
with fellow right-wing zombie Stephen Harper, he wanders the earth in an effort to
devour Stephane Dion’s brain.

Luke Simcoe: d. 2008; former indie-cool arts and entertainment editor. After his secret
music collection filled with REO Speedwagon and Nickelback CDs was discovered,

he hung himself out of embarrassment. His hipster point tally has dropped to -18, and
Pitchfork Media gave his death 7.2 out of 10.

Dr. Stephen Sex: d. 2008; former sex advice columnist and registered sex offender. He
died when he engaged in risky sex one Friday night. First he had coke sex with four Thai
prostitutes without protection; he then received anal sex from an unknown male while
performing auto-erotic asphyxiation on himself; he then had intercourse with a Surrey
woman named Candi, engaging in BDSM activities involving knives, hot pokers and
suffocation; he was then

hit by a bus leaving Candi’s house. :

Angela Blattman: d. 2008; former layout editor and longtime board of directors
member. Loved by children worldwide for her efforts to give them free razors in every
apple. Died after she discovered her love of skydiving, but before she discovered her
love of parachutes.

Trevor Hargreaves: d. 2008; senior Other Press contributor, editor, board member, and
all-around stand-up guy. Was offered a $200,000 salary to listen to Liam Britten’s jokes,
and decided he was better off dead. He wasis. (Not so sure about this correction...you
can keep it “was” if you'd like. ©)

The Amazing Ed: d. 2008; former columnist, web editor and tech support feller. While
working at the Other Press he devised a computer over 150 km in diameter, capable of
supporting four Imperial-class Star Destroyers, 144,000 TIE fighters, over one million
personnel and eight

Imperial army groups. After destroying the planet Alderaan, the Rebel Alliance stole the

 

plans to his computer, and with a single X-wing starfighter, destroyed it by firing a proton
torpedo down an exposed exhaust port. His lack of faith was described as “disturbing.”
Garth McLellan: d. 2008; a zestful young sports editor with a zest for life that was
zestfully extinguished by a zesty hail of 9 mm gunfire. Garth died doing what he loved
best; smoking a speedball on West Broadway, loudly praising Dr. David Suzuki. He has
since been replaced
at this paper with his evil twin, Chraxxolyorgarth McLellan, who will be nicknamed
“Garth” to save on our printing bill.

A moment of silence, please. I must, in concluding this article, ask for your
forgiveness in
These next few issues as many of us try to feel out our new jobs and improve this paper.
I think it’s important to remember that student press is just that: student press. We’re still
learning, just as you are learning in your respective studies. But hell, if you want to come
learn with us, come on down to the office and see us!

Your friend in hi-fi,
Liam Britten

 

 

 

 

 

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