Opinions Not only are Cigarettes good for you, they’re Healthy Too! ‘Jurek Szymezak V V ith all the anti-smoking propaganda floating around these days, it is important to examine the issue with a clear head and sense of objectivity. You can’t believe everything you read. People are always going to try to spoon- feed you information which they claim is undeniably true. It’s important to scrutinize these claims and to come up with your own conclusions based on research. Only then can you uncover the truth. For example, scientists tell us that there are many studies which prove cigarette smoke is harmful because it contains cancer-causing agents. Let us break this statement down into three parts. First, who are these scientists, really, and where do they come from? Nobody knows! It is my fervent belief that they are academic spooks on the payroll of some kind of international asthmatic’s association. This would justify their one-sided approach to the joys of smoking. Next, we can observe the way they manipulate language to serve their biased point of view. Be aware that this is a common technique used to sway feeble- minded people’s opinions. The use of the word “harmful” when describing something as gentle and comforting as cigarette smoke is downright ridiculous. Smoke is basically a more localised version of fog. Fog isn’t harmful, therefore smoke isn’t harmful. I’m pretty sure we can all agree on this. Lastly, these scientists evoke the basic human fear of disease by throwing the word “cancer” in there. Nobody wants to have cancer, so it is understandable that after seeing the phrase “‘cigarettes contain cancer-causing agents” most people will refrain from smoking. This boils down to fear mongering. Personally, I’ve never noticed any cancer-causing agents in my cigarettes. Even after breaking one open to examine the contents, all I found was tobacco. I encourage you to try this at 12 home. Go ahead and tear open one of those pleasure sticks, I can guarantee you will find nothing more sinister then some harmless brown flakes. And last time I checked, the colour brown wasn’t cancer-causing. Still not convinced? Allow me to replace the topic word in the above statement to prove my point. Scientists tell us that there are many studies which prove bunnies are harmful because they contain cancer-causing agents. Wait, don’t panic... I just made that up! But it seemed pretty convincing didn’t it? The truth is, this technique could be used to vilify anything— including bunnies. Actually, now that I think about it, bunnies are actually a more plausible vessel for carrying cancer-causing agents then cigarettes. Someone should look into this. Now, I did some research of my own and my results were pretty shocking. Turns out I can trust these “scientists” about as far as I can throw them, which I admit is quite a bit further than I can throw any of my ex-girlfriends, but that’s beside the point. These are some of the results my research turned up: 1. Cigarettes make you look cool. I believe this to be an incontestable fact. 2. Cigarettes make me look cool. Also an incontestable fact. 3. Smoking makes you a better listener. When I’m bored and I don’t want to talk to someone anymore, I light a smoke and almost immediately I’m more receptive to their monotone ramblings. 4. They are good for your nerves. Are you socially inept? Do you sweat uncontrollably? When instructors call on you in class do you respond by burying your face in your hands and whimpering quietly until they get the hint? Try smoking. You’ll be confident, dry, and assertive in no time at all. 5. They combat lethargy. Basically any time you are bored and feeling silly that you are sitting around with nothing to do, light a smoke and you’ ve got five minutes of direction and purpose. 6. Smoking makes you look tougher. If you smoke and squint you eyes at the same time it creates a very menacing effect, causing you to look hardcore (even if you aren’t). 7. Smoking may lead to getting laid more often. When that hot girl/guy standing outside the club asks you for a light or a cigarette, you can play the hero and oblige them. I’ve found that this usually leads to a night of sweaty romance. Of course it doesn’t work for everyone, but there is a certain poetic sadness in remaining a virgin well into your thirties. 8. Smoking can temporarily relieve awkward situations. Imagine you just finished making sweet, sweet love to that person who bummed a smoke off of you, but your performance wasn’t exactly legendary. This is a tough situation. Do you talk about your feelings? Try to make excuses? No. You roll over and light a cigarette. Problem solved. 9. Smoking will enhance your enjoyment of alcohol. This can be explained in a simple mathematical equation. Cigarettes + Beer = Pure Fucking Bliss. 10. Cigarettes can raise your metabolism. Don’t believe me? How many overweight smokers do you know? That’s what I thought. As you can see my research clashes very much with the popular cultivated ideas about cigarette smoke and what it can do to you. Not once during my intense study of cigarettes did I find any correlation between smoking and disease. In fact I was actually able to refute one of the most basic arguments against lighting up. Scientists claim smoking is bad. I think I have sufficiently proved that it is bad- ass. Even if what they say is true—that cigarettes will eventually kill you—I want to leave you with this thought to ponder. Average life expectancy of a healthy person 200 years ago: 50 years. Average life expectancy of a healthy person today: mid 80s. Average life expectancy of a smoker today: mid 50s. So even if smokers tend to die earlier in life than non-smokers at least we’re still outliving our great-grandfathers by half a decade. Now that’s something I can be proud of.