Shis issue:

(Y ‘I'll admit that | never foresaw the potential for sexting’

Ce acmaO naman MMULCel(-Renll(s)

Been told you're too funny?
Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

(¥ College Confessional...

And more!

www.theotherpress.ca

 

The War of the Web

» The memoirs of a keyboard warrior

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

he year is 2018, though to

those of us in the trenches,
we just consider it Year Three.
Three years of struggle. Three
years of strife. Three long years
since the Great Evil “broke the
Internet,” actively destroying
any semblance of order,
decency, and originality within
these electric halls.

I remember that dark,
dark day as clear as a MacBook
Pro retina display. Users were
no longer safe from those
they didn’t follow or friend,
and newsfeeds were clogged
by click-bait and suggested
videos. And from the darkest
damnedest depths of the
Internet, the Blackness spewed
forth, engulfing all in its path.
This Blackness consisted of the
souls of the damned—users
whod lost their way along the
righteous, glorious path of
idea sharing and information
collecting. These users have
been corrupted by the Evils of
the Internet, and, like a plague,
cast their shadow upon those of
us that remain.

I'm lucky to still be here. loss. Our thoughts and prayers: though many of usare scattered !
We all are. : are with the fallen: Tedtalks, : throughout the Web, each
The first to go was the : Vsauce, Rob Cantor—a fewof : fighting an endless battle in

city of Facebook. Once the
most populous place, when
it fell, it fell hard. Facebook
never was much of a battle; it
was already crumbling under

: its own sheer weight. Users

: were disconnected from one

: another in the chaos, some to

: be found again elsewhere in

: the Web, others... never to be

: seen again. It is now nothing

: but a wasteland, filled with

: commenting parents, “New

: Phone Need Numbers” groups,
: and deadly BuzzFeed click-bait
: all too eager to catch a user

? unaware. On occasion, some of
: us briefly return to revel in the

: glorious days of the past, when
: all was young and free and

: clean, but if we step foot there,

: we step lightly.

YouTube was the next to

: go, though that was truly a

: battle. Comedians, cartoonists,
: academics, and song-covering
: artists all banded together as

: one to produce content that

: was true and entertaining,

: informative and thought

: provoking—but it was not

: enough. The annoying preteens :
: were too many and the un-

: skippable ads were too long;

: slowly the Realm of YouTube

: was succeeded to those who

: would exploit, tarnish, and

: ultimately destroy it for

: financial gain. Our first major

: the many that attempted to
: make this decaying World Wide :
: Web green again.

The Pirate Bay—once one

: of our most precious ports for

: the sending and receiving of

: content—was viciously burned
: to the ground. Our Coders are
: working furiously to rebuild,

: but they must move slowly and
: secretly, as the Great Eye, NSA,
: is always watching.

Grand General Google

: attempted to regain some

: ground against the Blackness

: by initiating “Operation +.”

: The plan was that if we could

: not retake Facebook, we would
: create a new one: a place in :
: which we remaining users could :
: once again gather, a place to :
: strengthen our numbers and

: retie old bonds—but even

: among the good, discrepancy

: still remains. Google+ was a

: failure, but a failure of our own
: doing.

As for now we hold them

at a gridlock, but barely. They
: control YouTube, Tinder,
: Myspace, Yahoo. In the

PlayStation Network they have

: legions of youth being trained
: at the art of name-calling and

: irrational arguments. Factions
: like the Westboro Baptists,

: UrbanDictionary, and Internet
: Explorer all support them.

We hold Google Chrome,

: his or her own way. We try to

hold hope, but it has just been

: so long, and the bastards fight
: dirty. Each new video that
: promises it will “restore your

 

: faith in Humanity” destroys

: it. They’ve found ways around
: Adblocker. The hot local singles :
: in your area are alla lie.

For now we fight on two

: main fronts: Twitter and

: Instagram. In the former, one
: must always be wary, for the

: Evil can hide behind subtweets, :
: sources need not be referenced, :
: original material is stolen, and
: sponsored tweets can be forced
: into otherwise pure Twitter

: feeds,

The latter faces a similar

darkness. Pictures are
being posted off of Google,

Image from Free.Clipartof.com

: unwinnable repost campaigns
: are clogging the feeds, and

progress pics are being

uploaded at a faster rate than
: one could chug a protein shake.

The War of the Web will

: continue, as long as there
: are those there to fight it—as

long as there are users who
understand the importance of

: truth, originality, creativity, and
: taking a stand against the evils
: that plague this great domain.

Stand with us.
Make a difference.
Be the hero that the

: Internet deserves.

 

  
 
       
  

3. Ratatoullle was scored ™

  

*

Six degrees of Douglas College: Steve Jobs

     
   

5. Lost starred the

——— by the American ; on
1. Steve Jobs is well-known for composer Michael enigmatic elf-woman,
being the founder of Apple, but ) Giacchino. Evangeline Lilly.
he was also the CEO of Pixar —
Animation Studios. y
“tl A ———S
2. Pixar was the studio 4, Michael Giacchino
responsible for the 2007 Usdin Boe the ‘
rat-faced animated film, creepy ground sounds
Ratatouille. for the TV show Lost.

 

6. Evangeline Lilly grew up in
the lush province of British
Columbia—which is also the
home of Douglas College.

by Sharon Miki