Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca (Y Trudeau calls for freedom of Hans Island YY New film laws (¥ See what your destiny has in store for you And more! Aliens too baffled by humanity to come visit > Humans deemed ‘too lame’ for social interaction with the rest of the universe Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor here was much excitement in the scientific community this week, after mysterious transmissions from outer space—picked up by those big-ass satellite dishes in the desert SOE -B TOR e oI DIU Een Vokes taaes sn U Nhs translated by top xenolinguists at NASA, resulting in our first-ever samples of communication between alien life forms. This excitement was swiftly muted, however, when it was discovered that the aliens were talking shit about humanity behind our backs. NASA released part of the transcript to the public on Tuesday, with certain parts edited for clarity. It reads as follows: LIFE FORM #1 (LF1): [Greeting]. " LIFE FORM #2 (LF2): [Greeting]. LFi: Have you been to [Earth]? LF2: [Affirmation]. 45 [years] ago. Why, have you? LFi: Just came back. Was very confused. Last I heard [Earth] was populated by [dinosaurs]. Was excited to see [dinosaurs]. There were no [dinosaurs]. [Disappointment]. LF2: [Affirmation]. [Humans] exceedingly strange. Was worried when they started entering,space. LF1: Not worried. [Humans] have given up on space. [Humans] focus mainly on making weapons now. LF2: Not very different from [other alien life form]. Not very strange. Not as strange as [movies]. [Humans] like pretending bad things that are not real then are unhappy when bad things happen in real life. Very confusing. Some spend [hours, days] pretending these bad things are happening. Still don’t like bad things happening to them in real life. LF2: [Mild surprise]. LF1: Also make strange sounds in certain parts of [Earth]. Very discordant. [Likely referring to country music]. LF2: [Agreement]. Do they still make [movies] pretending we take them or fight them? Very [rude, impolite]. LFi: Worse than that. [Describes porn]. Lf2: [Distressed noise]. LF: [Agreement]. [Distressed noise]. LF2: No wonder [interplanetary supreme leader, or possibly “mom ’] doesn’t want us to associate with [humans]. LFi: Some [humans] recently élected an [orange human] to be leader of one part of [Earth]. [@range human] has no redeeming qualities. Confusing and bad. LF2: [Other alien life form] wanted to Tae ETA ginvesyperetcecturmentcliab eres or celebration] next [century/millennia]. LF1: [Distressed noise]. LF2: Not worried. [Interplanetary supreme leader/“mom’] said no. LFi: Good, [Humans] are [derogatory word, probably “lame’”]. LF2: [Agreement]. [Dinosaurs] were so much [complimentary word, probably “cooler’”]. NASA's formal statement on the matter was simple: LF1: Things have escalated. [Humans] now have technology n “We don't mind if alien life forms critique us, we to pretend bad things are happening to them ina half- ‘y eC E deans Raa Laan mele BL SETLELe| our backs rather than to our faces. We didn’t ea reality setting [likely referring to video games]. 3 i Ht — s oF Ns s i. Te, pea to go to their stupid party, anyway.” Humour editor upset Oscars Best Picture mishap no longer topical > Peterson left to mourn the loss of a comedy goldmine Mike LeMike Humour Contributor umour Editor Rebecca Peterson has refused to write a single word since the Oscars debacle the Sunday before last, professing herself to be in deep mourning for an article that never came to light. “The deadline... it just didn’t line up,” she sobbed, in an interview with a representative from her own section of the Other Press last week. “Tt would have been so beautiful, Mike LeMike, so fucking perfect...” The incident that Peterson was referring to is that of the Best Picture mix-up marking the end of the Academy Awards ceremony, in which La La Land was falsely announced as the category’s winner, only to hand their Oscars off to the makers of Moonlight once the error was brought to light. Late night talk show hosts leapt on the amazing material, able to cover the incident from every possibly humorous angle while it was still fresh in everyone’s minds, and memes spawning from the event circulated widely in the days that followed. Tragically, however, the Other Press only publishes once a week on Tuesday, with section editor deadlines on Saturday. As such, there was no chance to cover the incident while it was still at all relevant. “You don’t understand, my job is so fucking hard, man,” Peterson continued. “It’s hard to be funny. I mean it’s easy for me because, let’s face it, I’m hilarious and every single one of my jokes lands without exception. But it’s hard to come up with ideas for full-length articles that are all humour-related. You know the Onion doesn’t even do that? Those writers just get to drop a funny, click-bait title and pair it with a good stock image, then maybe write about 250 words of content. I’m an artist. I deserve to catch a break every once in a while, and this Oscars shit... it would have been such a wonderful break!” Peterson concluded this speech by crying gently into a bow1 of garlic mashed potatoes, her preferred comfort food. In other news, humour contributor Mike LeMike is quitting his job as a humour writer, as he is tired of Peterson’s tyranny and of the name Mike LeMike in general. He assures his loyal fans that he will still likely show up in future humour articles because Peterson cannot be stopped, but he is not happy about it and is currently trying to trademark the stupid name so she can never use it again.