of October 22 to 28 » Your impending (mis)fortunes Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor t’s the spookiest season, readers! I’ve looked to the stars to tell you what you should be scared of this week. Here are your horror-scopes! ARIES (March 21 — April 20) Ha ha, isn’t it weird that your reflection in the mirror looks just a little off? It’s probably just a trick of the light. So weird. Definitely keep looking just to be sure. TAURUS (April 21 — May 21) Did you hear footsteps follow your down that empty corridor? I didn’t either. Don't turn around though. GEMINI (May 22 — June 22) Sometimes when you turn your phone screen off, I feel like I see a shape in the reflection. Does it look like a tall man ina trench coat and hat? It’s probably nothing. ‘Tis the season: It’s time to settle 210 Horror-scopes for the week ax CANCER (June 22 - July 23) Did you just drop your phone down the crack between your bed and the wall? Just reach your hand down into the crevice and grab it. It’s right there. LEO (July 24 - Aug 23) Is your front right tooth loose? Try and wiggle it with your tongue. While youre at it, what about your last molar on the left? Or your right canine? They all feel a little wiggly to me. VIRGO (Aug 24 — Sept 23) Someone's knocking at your front door. Were you expecting anyone? It’s pretty late at night and youre alone. It would be rude to not answer though, right? » Dating has never been so festive and frantic Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Ah, winter. Where I trade my regular depression for the much more festive seasonal depression, my thick denim shorts for my thick denim jeans, and ] am contractually obligated to make mulled wine every 40 minutes. As every facet of social media is currently shoving down my throat, we are in the throes of “cuffing season.” This is a national phenomenon where even the hardest “I’m not looking for anything serious” people crave the physical and emotional connection of a stifling and ultimately toxic codependent relationship. Even me, who has sworn off committed relationships for the next 50 to 70 years, just held a mannequin’s hand to try and feel something again. Here I examine the pros for lowering your standards and opening yourself to the concept of “love” until March, where one of you will inevitably move to Montreal for six months under the guise of “working on your art.” Saving on your hydro bill I sleep next to my space heater, which is not only expensive but also a fire hazard that really makes me feel alive. Unfortunately, I often wake up to the smell of burning hair and have a permanent grill pattern on my stomach from where I’ve gotten too close. I recommend taking a digital temperature gun to each of your dates to see how high their body heat is. Your other option, of course, is dating a werewolf from Twilight. The quintessential “autumn” photo According to my Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, every couple I know has been squatting in a pumpkin patch since September 29. Friends of friends got married in a pumpkin patch, rubber boots and all. Unfortunately, in the province of BC it is illegal to visit a pumpkin patch without a romantic partner. DNA samples must be provided before entering any corn mazes. Ditto farmers markets. Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca LIBRA (Sept 24 — Oct 23) That big black crow is just sitting there and looking at you. Do you think it wants to tell you something? I’ve never seen one that big, have you? SCORPIO (Oct 24 — Nov 22) That black car following you looks just like the one you kept seeing yesterday. It’s a pretty standard model, though. It’s probably a completely different one. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 — Dec 21) Did you just hear that? Was that a human scream? No, it had to bea cat or something. Right? Halloween costumes It’s pretty sad seeing a Shaggy without a Scooby, ora Daria without a Jane. God forbid you're dressed as Kim Kardashian at a house party, stumbling around from room to room with three wine coolers humming “Love Lockdown” sadly under your breath. That’s why my ideal couple costume is CatDog. We're attached at the butt, we can never separate, so my partner can never leave me. Ever. Family gatherings Nothing sets the mood for a cheerful family dinner more than your elderly, wizened grandmother asking you where your significant other is. Ha ha, you say. How are you still alive? While each of your cousins gaze into their boyfriends’ eyes and gushes about how thankful they are that the miracles of love and general proximity have brought them together to enjoy this beautiful mystery called life, I recommend downing their glasses of wine. You know what they say—love is blind, with no peripheral vision! ¢ Weekly horror-scopes ¢ Does anybody have a piece of gum? ¢ Dating has never been so festive and frantic ..and more! Graphic by Meghan Lin CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Walking past the graveyard at night is the quickest way to get home. It’s okay, you can walk a little faster than normal. Maybe faster than that. AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 19)That spot on your left hand is new. I’ve definitely never seen it before. It’s not raised, is it? It’s probably nothing, but you should get it checked out. Just in case. PISCES (Feb 20 — Mar 20) Ijust heard your name mentioned by that group sitting in the corner. Listen—they just said it again! Now they're looking over here. What do you think they’re talking about? Umbrellas Be honest with me—have you ever bought an umbrella from a store? Absolutely not. Like going to the dentist or watching Breaking Bad, buying an umbrella is just something that I'll never, ever do. You should always look for a partner who is open, understanding, and generous with their time and affection. But most of all, you should look for someone with at least three umbrellas. And none of that “backpack-sized” bullshit. I want a wooden U-shaped handle ora see-through bubble one. After all, I’m worth it. Yes, I am accepting applications for someone who wants to cradle me like a baby as I tell them about all of my childhood trauma (only for the months of November to March as after that Iam heading to Montreal to work on my art). Please forward all applications along with an 8x10 glossy and a lock of your hair to the Other Press offices.