Cees (Y NaNoWri...Decade? (Y Time terrors (¥ College Confessional... And more! Been told you're too funny? Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor 4 humour@theotherpress.ca www.theotherpress.ca Shopping apocalypse » What you will need to survive Black Friday Mercedes Deutscher Staff Writer he day hath arrived once more. Doomsday is near. There will be riots in public places. People will be scrambling for supplies to survive a nuclear winter. And by nuclear, I mean commercialist. When the world, especially America, seems to have just realized how : a strategist. The strategist is : responsible for mapping out already have, the dreaded Black : the war zone and locating : the most crucial supplies that : can only be acquired on Black : Friday. thankful they are for what they Friday will arrive. Chaos and turmoil ensues. Yet hope is not lost for the strong trapped in the raging masses, should they come prepared. Here is what you will need to survive, and who you will need for your ultimate shopping apocalypse team. On your team, you will require some bait. Choose your weakest member, and assign them the mission to acquire something lucrative and valuable—let’s say a 50-per- cent-off television. Bonus points if this is the last one. Proceed to sacrifice them to the masses, pulling the attention off of your team. Their death will not be in vain, and their bravery will be commemorated. You will need the rogue, who can silently and stealthily swipe the goods and supplies : needed to survive the winter. : Rogues can also detect traps, : such as weepy mothers who : will beg for your supplies to : provide to her children. You : : mustn't give in, for this is a dark : : world where dark rules apply. A valiant and strong : warrior is a must, for they will : force their (and your team’s) : way through the masses and : towards freedom. Your team must also have Yet even if you have the : strongest team available, you : cannot go into Black Friday : defenceless. Equip yourselves with : black cloth bags. When you : see the enemy incoming, place : the cloth bag over their heads. : While they are blinded, spin : them around a few times and : push them in the opposite : direction. Bring several children. : Children make for excellent : Black Friday traps. If a threat : is looming near, leave a child. : They will alert a nearby enemy : that they require help, forcing : the enemy to bring the child to : a neutral service base. Dont forget a bottle of TC : oil. To prevent the enemy : from following you further, : pour some oil onto the floor. : They will slip and incapacitate : themselves and others : surrounding them. They will : fall like dominoes and take : several seconds to respawn. It is important to know * where to hide should the war : zone spiral further out of : control. Find a space behind : some less popular supplies. : Hiding in camping supplies is : particularly useful, for not even : : the enemy is insane enough to: : camp during the winter. Wait : for the coast to be clear before : attempting to escape. Lastly, remember to come : prepared with payment. For : if you do not, you shall find : yourself at the mercy of your enemy as they thieve your supplies away. To the brave who are going : to war on Black Friday, you are : commended. May you defeat : your enemies and revel in the : savings. Good luck, comrades. Kinder Morgane Surprise? » Hint: the surprise is oil Sharon Miki Humour Editor 4 humour @theotherpress.ca n light of the ongoing dispute between pipeline company Kinder Morgane and environmentalists over a proposed oil pipeline, one entrepreneurial philanthropist is hoping to help ease tensions with a sweet little treat for all: the “Kinder Morgane Surprise.” “Things are really getting heated, what with protestors being arrested and with Kinder Morgane so upset that they’re issuing multi-million-dollar lawsuits,” said chocolate : enthusiast Cathy. “And I know : that when I’m upset or stressed, : chocolate always makes me feel : better. Chocolate, chocolate, : chocolate!” Cathy’s proposed new : cocoa-based delight resembles : the childhood classic, Kinder : Surprise, but with an updated : twist: the surprise is oil. “So basically I thought if I : could just take a little bit of oil : (not for eating, or course! Ack!) : and wrap it up inside a cheap : chocolate shell, and wrap it : up all pretty, that it would be : anice piece of swag to bring : the protestors and the pipeline : enthusiasts together. “When I was little and my : brother and I would fight, we'd : always make up over a nice : Kinder Surprise. Why shouldn't : that work here? And the toy that : everyone's fighting over really is : the oil, so it’s fitting.” While Cathy has no opinion : on the environmental impact of : the pipeline, she is hoping that : her Kinder Morgane Surprise : idea takes off, so that she can : find someone to help her turn : her dream into reality. “Right now, Kinder Morgane : Surprise is still just in the idea : phrase,” said Cathy. “I don’t : have time to build human-safe : prototypes of crude oil-and- : chocolate treats at the moment. “Ack!”