‘Bird.

 

By Jay Schreiber, Arts Editor

verything is for sale; enough
Hes can control the media
—d and sometimes, investments in
products are taken too far. The most recent
development in relation to this is Kid
Rock’s new line of beer called American
Badass.

In the world of glitz and glamour, once
someone is famous it’s mandatory to exploit
the hell out of them ‘til kingdom come.
That’s exactly why Brittney Spears has a

Kid Rock, however, has dived into a
market that remains relatively untapped
(pun intended) by celebrity folk. Beer. That
wonderful golden substance, the nectar of
the gods and intoxicator of men. Kid Rock
will either be drinking his way to the bank
or doing cost recovery at the bottle depot.

You may have heard the Kid’s hit song
“American Bad Ass” or seen it on TV (it
usually accompanies movie trailers where a
lot of shit blows up) and in this case, it’s the
inspiration for his liquid expenditure. The
song, which came out a decade ago, is more
or less 4 minutes of “I’m awesome” with
some audible elements; much like Kid’s
career.

So who in their right mind would by
a piss-water-esque beer that advertises
its taste as bad American ass? I know for

sure that I won’t touch the stuff, but I’m
interested in how it’s going to be marketed.
Beer companies spend lots of money on
advertising, and American Badass has a
lot of competition if they want to appear
anywhere on the radar.

Based solely on commercial effort,
I would drink Molson Canadian. The
commercials are more pro-Canada than the
Stephan Harper agenda, and it makes me
feel good to be north of the 49" parallel.
However, I do know that Molson is poorly
made and is owned by an American

new scent company, so
every year, eae oth ec ; I never touch
and Lindsay Kid Rock will either be drinking his way to the bank, or jhe stuff.
Lohan's doing cost recovery at the bottle depot!.” The
handbags are Mexican

a perfect size beers have a
to fit her BFF into. pretty good pitch going, Corona is all about

the lazy summer day and Dos Equis has
the world’s most interesting man on their
side. How can you say no to a guy who
gazes seductively into the camera lens and

requires of you to “Stay thirsty, my friend?” ,

This could be a personal bias but
every time I hear Carl Orff’s “Carmina
Burana” performed while a Rickard’s is
being poured fresh out of the tap, a little
shiver goes down my spine. Extremely false
advertising however because every time I
order a Richards, all I get is the bill!

If I were feeling arrogant, then
Stella Artois is the only way to go. While
peaceful, the Belgian people don’t have
much going for them other than Stella and
chocolate, but when a barrel of beer puts
a dent in my Mercedes, you’re freakin’
paying for it! Some of the best brewed

What could be worse than American Badass?

 

 

 

 

 

beer ever, I still wouldn’t have a problem
throwing it on a pile of flaming money, after
all, money can buy more Stella. Duh! .
So how about that American Badass?
I can just picture the advertisements now.
A fat American with a wife beater and red
white and blue do-rag comes clunking
out of Taco Bell in slow motion with the
Kid’s ten-year-old hit song blasting in the
background. Cut to a picture of Uncle Sam
pointing at you with a beer in his hands
and the catchphrase, “If you don’t drink
this beer, then you’re a terrorist!” Oh, the
America media, how free it really is...

Since that’s only one of about four hit
songs that Kid Rock has ever had, it’s not
the first time that he’s tried to hang on to
fame longer than his stay was welcome. His
last hit he hardly even wrote—it was only a
mashup of two popular songs from the “70s
that I had almost forgotten. Thanks, Kid!

So remember, Drink Badass beer
if you’re a freedom luvin’, gas guzzlin’
right winger whose neck is redder than the
communist flag. I’m interested in seeing
how well the sales for American Badass
will do in Canada—it might just be one step
closer to them invading.

 

 

 

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