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Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

This issue:

(¥Y Valentine’s Day recipe (serves 1)

(Y Five sure-fire ways to fire things up in the bedroom

(¥Y How to have lesbian sex
And more!

The one mystery intelligent men can't solve

» A gentlemen's guide to what ladies really want

: to come over and indulge her

: deepest fantasies with eloquent
: conversation and compliments.
: Rarely would she make direct

: eye contact with you to indicate:
: that there is something spilled on :
: your shirt, so try to resist the urge :
to scamper off to the loo to check. :

Irene Adler
Contrioutor

WW”. is it that the smarter a
man gets, the dumber he
seems to be with the fairer sex?
Some of the biggest louses in
London have no problem asking
a woman out, but intelligent
men seem downright confused
about womankind altogether.
Take my friend Sherlock Holmes
for example. That brilliant

man can solve a murder ina
matter of minutes, but can

he flirt with a woman? Not
bloody likely. And believe me,
I’ve tried. Oh, how I’ve tried.

So listen up, gentlemen of
superior intellect. Here is your
chance to learn what’s what with
the affectionate female in your
life, and how to avoid mucking
up your next encounter with her.

First of all, when a lady looks
at you from across the room and
makes direct eye contact with
you, that isn’t a sign that she
wants you to look away. Rather,
it is a sign that she wants you

Secondly, a very important

: thing to keep in mind while

: flirting is to stay positive and

: answer with a “yes” as much as :
: possible. If she compliments your :
: jacket, avoid disagreeing with her :
: and telling her everything that is:
: wrong with it, or, heaven forbid,

: the things she is saying (“the

: sleeves are a bit too short” or “it’s

: not quite the right shade”). Just

: say “thank you” and compliment

: her lovely dress. Of course, the

: dress doesn’t actually have to be

: lovely for you to compliment it—
: your compliment is what makes

: it lovely. If she blushes, then

: youre doing a good job and she

: is enjoying your company. If she

: doesn’t, try complimenting her

: hair. Or her jewelry. Or her shoes.

Lastly, be sure to respond

: to her touch, and don't be afraid
: to take it a little further. If she

: places her hand on your arm,

: don’t grab her other hand and

: shake it like you're greeting a

: colleague. Instead try touching

: her arm lightly and see how she
: responds. If she goes for a full-

: frontal hug, then you're on the

: right path. However, in some

: cultures, these actions may

: constitute a marriage ceremony,
: so be careful which lovely

: ladies you use this tactic on.

: who’sa little slow with the
: ladies, take these tips and try
: putting them into practice for

If youre a bright gentleman

  

Image via BBC

: St. Valentine’s Day. Who knows

: what could happen? Best case

> scenario: you get some much

: needed attention from the fairer
: sex and possibly a courtship or

: three. Worst case scenario: you

: discover that, yes, you did spill

: mustard on your shirt, and that’s
: exactly what she was looking at.

 

Such tweet sorrow

» WTF Theatre reinvents Romeo & Juliet

Adam Tatelman
fi Staff Writer

Wi theatre, a Vancouver-
based company known for
its experimental performance
ideas, has announced a new
rendition of Shakespeare’s
Romeo and Juliet to be performed
entirely on social media.

Instead of performing the
play live on stage in front of
an audience, the actors will
create Facebook and Twitter
accounts for their characters and
communicate all their lines via
public posts and status updates.
According to the director, Xavier
Perimental, the play has been
rewritten to emulate modern text
talk instead of Shakespearean
language. He hopes this will
strengthen the bond between the
performers and the audience.

modern drama,” he said. “Kids
today just don’ relate to all that
Shake-speak, so it’s our job to
make this story fit the times.”
Audience members are
encouraged to leave comments

: on each post; if they have the

: opportunity, the actors will

: respond in-character to as many
: comments as possible. “We want
: to see selfies and emojis,” said

: Perimental. ‘Anything that will

: help the audience feel like they’re
: a part of the show. However,

: we have a no sexting policy, so

: please don’t hit on the actors.”

: Perimental excused himself,

: returning to the rehearsal in

: progress on his iPhone.

The plot has gone through

: some significant changes. As

: with the original play, the

: first act begins with a street

: brawl between servants of the
: Montague and Capulet clans,
: who are sworn enemies. The

: scene is presented through

: a YouTube video, which the

: actors leave comments on.

: The Capulet party is held at

: Status Nightclub, and Romeo
: Montague attends in secret. The

“We want the audience to feel : he’ ‘cated
like they’re watching an authentic : "8 Us events are communicate
: through a series of tweets and
: photos, including Romeo's

: meeting with Juliet Capulet.

Rather than an exchange of

: sonnets leading to the famous
: balcony scene in the Capulet

: orchard, Romeo and Juliet

: drink to excess and have an

: inebriated one-night stand.

: They are quite surprised the

: next morning, but that doesn’t
: stop them from tweeting all

: about it. The Montague and

: Capulet families are furious to
: hear that their children have

: eloped. In defence of Juliet’s :
: honour, her brother Tybalt doxxes :
: Romeo, inciting the audience
: to bombard him with death

: threats. In response, Romeo gets
: Tybalt banned from Facebook.

When Romeo and Juliet

: name one another in their

: relationship statuses, the

: Capulets hack Romeo's account
: as revenge. Juliet deletes her

: own account in an act of

: solidarity, and the two attempt

: to run away together. The last

: video clip in the show is that

: of a tragic car accident on the

: highway, where the bodies are

: identified as the two lovers.

: According to the autopsy report,
: they had both been drinking

: heavily before the crash. Shaken
: by the senseless tragedy, the

: Montagues and Capulets

: put up a Facebook memorial

page for Romeo and Juliet.

: theatre, their visionary new

: interpretation of Romeo and

: Juliet is projected to bea total

: commercial failure, since social:
: media memberships are free, and :

 

Unfortunately for WTF

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: users are not permitted to charge
: for access to their content. When
: pressed for comment, Perimental
: merely shrugged and said “That’s
: show business. Nobody’s ever

: ready to see anything new.”