Cross-Eyed Bear in the Cross Hairs

And other shots in the Ark and Exodus

Julian Worker, OP Contributor

 

 

 

 

 

In the previous chapter of our history, Noah built an Ark,
which helped to save all the worthy creatures of the world.
For 40 days and 40 nights, this valued vessel sailed the
world until the waters of The Flood receded. Now read
on....
And lo! the Ark had come to rest upon the Earth of
Kansas, where all around was clean and worthy. All the ani-
mals disembarked from the Ark and were enjoying the
wide open spaces in the land of the free. “Thou art a good
and righteous man Noah,” sayeth the Lord, “thou hast
done well.”

“O Lord I thank thee, but when you assigned me this
task, I knew the cross I’d bear,” sayeth Noah.

“Why are you talking about me?” sayeth the cross-eyed
bear, clumsily bumping into Noah. “What have I done?”

Now, the cross-eyed bear had been demonically altered
by the Devil so as to cause confusion in the world and to
bring uncertainty into the lives of all creatures. “Keep away

from me, thou heinous, heathen, hell-dweller,” sayeth
Noah. “O Lord, help me, free me from this cursed crea-
ture.”

“Get away you beast of Beelzebub, you son of Satan,
you lieutenant of Lucifer, you Devil’s disciple,” sayeth the
loving, caring Lord, who fired thunderbolts at the cross-
eyed bear to destroy this evidence of evil, this documenta-
tion of devilry. But Lucifer had done other alterations to
this unfortunate creature, which made the cross-eyed bear
extremely swift and unable to run in a straight line. The
devilishly designed creature was also crafty, demonic, and
elusive, which helped this abominable animal evade the
missiles of The Lord. The thunderbolts designed to eradi-
cate this behemoth of a bear raised clouds each day, which
allowed glaciers to form on the Earth, allowing an ice-age
to begin. But The Lord blew away the clouds each night
and the glaciers receded in an interglacial period.

And lo! as the Lord’s thunderbolts hit the Earth, they
also compressed the trees, destroyed during The Flood,
and drove them deep into the Earth where they formed
the coal deposits of today. The thunderbolts crushed some
of the sea creatures and pushed them downwards for
miles, where they formed the oil deposits we use so readily
in our time. The thunderbolts also caused fissures in the
Earth which allowed the seas to enter the land and caused
some of the lands to move away. And lo! after seven days
and seven nights, the lands of the Earth became scattered
far and wide, and The Lord became alarmed at their apart-
ness. He used his celestial breath to bring some of the
lands back together and lo! the mountain ranges of the
world were created by his powerful exhalation, which was
so mighty that its relentless strength is still present in these
lands of the Earth even today.

As the Lord paused for breath, the Archangel Michael
appeared. “Thou artistic and imaginative Lord, thou has
created a beautiful and intelligently designed Earth,” sayeth
Michael. “T really like the thin, narrow piece over there on
the left and the intriguingly shaped peninsula on the right.”

The Lord looked and marvelled at the sight of the
Earth that he now beheld. “Thou speaketh truly, Michael,”
sayeth The Lord, “TI will leave things as they are for now.”

“O Lord, that accursed cross-eyed bear, that creature of
chaos is to be found somewhere in the land of the
Himalaya, the highest point of thy Earth, far away from all
the other creatures,” sayeth the Archangel Gabriel, appear-
ing to the Lord. “Yet I know not exactly where he dwells.”
And The Lord decreed that this was to be the cross-eyed
bear’s punishment for the rest of eternity—to wander the
highest points of the Earth; to be alone and lonely; to be
seen only fleetingly by mountaineers; and to be known as
the “Yet I know not exactly where he dwells” animal, or
Yeti for short.

As the cross-eyed bear began his damnable wanderings
in the Himalaya, an intelligently designed young man called
Moses was causing distress to his family. Everyone thought
that Moses was truly a basket case, never prepared to
acknowledge the painful realities of his personal life. Verily,
Moses had a number of traits that most people found
quite disturbing, He thought he could hear burning bushes
speaking to him, when no one else could hear a word; he
wandered off for days at a time into the mountains, only
returning when he had chiseled fine, moral words into
tablets of stone; and he tried to lead large numbers of
people across deep stretches of open water, which led to
many innocent individuals nearly drowning.

And forsooth his family became so distressed that
eventually Moses had to go and see the psychologist, who
couched his assessment in these terms: “Moses, thou art in
denial, but there is a place where all thy talents and person-
al idiosyncrasies will become meaningful and real. That
place is Egypt and thou should go and see the Pharaoh of
that country straightaway.”

In the next part of our history, we shall see what hap-
pened in Egypt with a man and the most pimpin’ coat
ever—fo’ shizzle.

 

agree...

 

Seven out-of-ten NET nerds

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