Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca Area woman haunted by the ghosts of unanswered emails > The Other Press investigates a horrifying cautionary tale Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor A local woman made a stir in local ews this week after seeking help in dealing with a terrifying supernatural phenomenon; she claimed to be haunted by the spirits of forgotten emails. “I see them in my sleep, and with my waking eyes,’ the woman stated in a passionate plea to the ghost- fighting community this past weekend. “I can’t open my inbox for fear of attack and judgment from those poor lost souls, which just leads to more unanswered emails... some of them are really important, too. I’m pretty sure I had a job offer last month that I never replied to, and I really need the money. It’s ruining my life.” This has led to many questions, of course, the first being, “Do ghosts really exist?” And following that, “Can technology produce malevolent spirits?” And finally, “Is this actually a serious problem, or is it just kind of like, you know, whatever?” For answers, the Other Press turned to famed ghost hunter and expert on changing one’s own name legally, Psychedelia Spook. “Well, first of all, let’s start with the obvious: Ghosts exist,” said Spook. “Like, why would you even ask that? They definitely exist. | could bea ghost right now. You don’t know. “Next question, then: Can technology produce malevolent spirits? Oh buddy, have you been on Twitter? Like ever? It’s a hotbed of terrifying, nightmare- inducing paranormal activity. It’s awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I have, like, tons of enemies.” (Spook then paused the interview to sweep the room for assassins). “Alright, we're good for now. Anyway, on to the last thing; I mean it is kind of just like, you know, whatever, but it really depends on the manifestation of the supernatural infestation. Most of the time these kinds of hauntings are pretty harmless, but left unchecked, it can definitely turn into something more sinister. More like B-list horror movie worthy. In one case, I had a client plagued by voicemails left to expire on her phone without ever having listened to them. It got pretty nasty.” When asked if she had any Image via Thinkstock advice for the victim of the email haunting, Spook just shrugged. “The best way to sap the power out of these things is to go to the source. | hate to say it, but that lady should really just answer her emails. That’s what adults do, right?” Spook is one of several paranormal investigators looking into the email haunting. For now, however, it’s important to note that such occurrences can happen to anyone, at any time. Experts suggest checking and responding to texts, voicemails, emails, and instant messages in a timely fashion, to avoid preventable hauntings. The haunted woman has stated a preference to remain relatively anonymous, but uses the initials “R.P.” (and has no relation whatsoever to a Humour Editor with similar initials). MAC employee shocked by how pale Iam > Clearly concerned, intent on selling me bronzer Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor his past week the Other Press's Humour Editor, me, caused shock, awe, and no small amount of horror to manifest in another human being once it was discovered that I am, in fact, extraordinarily pale. I'd entered the MAC store with my hopes high and my fingers crossed that their new foundation shade, which | would have named “Holy Shit You’re Anemic” but is tastefully titled NCio, was still in stock (and that my debit card wouldn't spontaneously combust in self- defence while paying for it because man is MAC ever expensive). I took the extra precaution of wearing earphones to avoid awkward conversation and having other expensive products pitched to me that I couldn't afford but would absolutely cave and purchase anyway because my impulse control levels are fatally low. However, earphones cannot defeat a determined MAC employee. One approached and asked if I needed anything. I said foundation, but that I’d found the foundation, so I no longer was in need. She looked at the foundation I picked. “You don’t need that foundation,” she said. “Probably not,” I agreed, assuming we were talking purely in terms of capitalism’s horrifying warping of Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs. “It’s really pale,” she added. “T hope so,” I said. “You're not that pale,” she said. “Oh,” I said. I was taken to another counter with more foundation, putting me within range of powders and concealers and pretty things I promised not to look at because damn it I’m a poor college student why must the Lord tempt me in this way—at any rate, she pulled out several concealers, on a mission to prove I was selling my lackluster melanin count short. The first one she tried on me swatched orange, and was at least three shades darker than what I could ever hope to aspire to be even if I were to gently roast myself in the sun for an hour, turning over every two minutes like a rotisserie chicken. “Oh,” she said. “Yeah,” I said. “Maybe we could try the super pale one?” “You're not that pale,” she said again. I could tell, however, that there was a (¥ Vancouver pub offers crazy Caesar garnish: Hope, Love (¥ How to get a Tinder date (¥ Tim Hortons Gothic And more! ens Groundhog Day! > How Douglas College is gearing up for this exciting event Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor his Thursday, modern society prepares to celebrate one of those weird held-over traditions from the days of wild paganism and human sacrifices (according to that one Silent Hill game, at any rate). We at the Other Press caught up with some students to ask how they'll be spending their Groundhog Day! “Seriously, is this a Canadian thing? Have I been living under a rock?” -Finn McCool, age 21, computer science major “No, no, we've definitely had this conversation before. Guys, I think we might be stuck in a time loop. This is really bad.” - Alison Cho, age 19, liberal arts major “T might order takeout.” -Mike LeMike, age unknown, graphic design major “I'm gonna dress as a groundhog!” -Davie Duke, age 23, furry However YOU choose to celebrate Groundhog Day, we at the Other Press wish you a very merry one indeed, and we extend our hopes for an early spring because man has it ever been fucking cold! crack in her confidence now. A fissure. Placed there by a tired college student whose skin has been driving cosmetic counter workers crazy since 1994. Soon a line of swatches marched up my arm, each paler than the one before, all too dark for me. I could tell the MAC employee was becoming desperate, now. Desperate to fight against the imminent shattering of her world view. But eventually, there was only one shade left, and the NC1o was a perfect match. “You're not that pale, though,” she whispered quietly, sounding utterly defeated. “No one is that pale.” I still think about her shocked face, from time to time. Like the ghost of unanswered emails, it haunts me in my dreams: just how incredulous one woman was over how goddamn pale I am.