humour / 22

theotherpress.ca

The prince and the unpleasant evening

» A modern fairy tale

Brittney MacDonald
Staff Writer

nce upon a time, ina

faraway land known
as Vancouver, there was a
prince who just happened
to be wandering when he
overheard two peasant city
workers discuss the recent
disappearance of their
princess. Despite knowing
nothing about the woman,
he hopped on his gender-
ambiguous steed and rode off
to rescue her—for like any
disappearing princess, she had
obviously been kidnapped.

After searching two mall

food courts and the better
Starbucks on Robson Street
that doesn’t cheap out and
add too much ice to your
Frappuccino, he finally asked
somebody if they’d seen her.
Given that he had no idea
what she looked like or how
old she was, this led to a hefty
Facebook-stalking session,

was a total babe between the
age of 16 and 35.

Armed with a blurry selfie
of her in the palace bathroom,
he soon discovered that she
had been captured by an evil
witch.

“Tally-ho!” he shouted,
brandishing his blade to the
sky before racing off to rescue
his beloved—because in the
span of three hours he had
decided he loved her and they
should be married and have
2.5 children and a Dalmatian

benedict he planned to get at
Denny’s tomorrow morning on
their first official date.

Stanley Park was dark and

 

filled with strange homeless

: people that nobody wanted to

: talk to by the time the prince

: arrived. He avoided eye contact
where he was happy to find she and kept riding till he came

: to a quaint little restaurant,

: which was far too overpriced

: for the mediocre food it served.
: But still people ate there,

: because spending too much

: on dinner made them feel

: important—also cheapskates

: never get second dates.

The prince dismounted,

: a scowl upon his lips as he

: pushed past the door only to

: find the evil witch sucking the
: soul from his beloved!

“Stop witch! Release

: Princess... uh Princess—“
named Benedict, after the eggs :

The witch turned from the

: princess, cocking a brow at the
: prince as a scowl stained her
: features.

“Dear lord, man! Do you

: not even know her name?”

: the witch asked, patting

: the princess gingerly on the
: shoulder. “It’s Courtney...”

“Yes! Princess Courtney,

: my one true love, I have come
: to rescue you!” the prince

: exclaimed, pining eyes going to :
: the fair maiden.

“Excuse me? Do I know

: you?” Courtney asked, her

: gaze narrowing on her future
: husband as if trying to

: recognize him from the deep
: recesses of her memory.

“You've never had the

: pleasure, but I am Prince—“

“Does this happen a lot?”

the witch interrupted, turning
: to the princess with a sigh.

“Too often, I once went

out for a bagel and some guy

: turned up right as I was about
: to pay, and challenged the :
: cashier to a duel... It’s like 'ma :

: magnet for crazy stalkers,” the
: princess groaned.

The witch rolled her eyes.

: “Oh please honey, don’t even

: get me started on the number
: of times I’ve heard the ‘you've
: put a spell on me’ line...”

“Ladies, if you would? I’m

“I don’t need to be

: rescued!” the princess shouted
: at him, “have you never heard
: ofa date? I mean honestly, had :
: I been kidnapped do you not
: think someone would have

: phoned the police?”

“B-but, she was sucking

out your soul!” the prince said, :
: pointing an accusing finger at
: the witch.

“I was trying to get to
second base...” the witch

T once went out
for a bagel and
some guy turned
up right as I was
about to pay,

and challenged
the cashier to

a dual... It’s like
I'm a magnet for
crazy stalkers,” the
princess groaned.

growled, pouting a little.

“.. And succeeding,”

: Courtney added. “I found

: Jennifer on Plenty of Fish.

: We both like kayaking and

: Angelina Jolie movies, but not
Beowulf, that movie was trash.”

“Absolute garbage,”

Jennifer added.

“So youre a...” the prince

: trailed off, unsure of the
: politically correct term.

“A lesbian? Yes,” Courtney

: sighed. “And do you know how
: hard it is to find an interesting,
: : » 2 career-driven woman these

: in the middle ofa rescue here,” : davs?”
: the prince huffed, knocking his : ye
: sword against a chair leg to get :

: their attention.

“Probably just as hard

: as finding a princess not

: just experimenting for the

: entertainment of her seven,

: vertically challenged friends,”
: the witch mused.

“I think you should leave,”

: Courtney said, glaring at the
: prince for interrupting their
: pleasant evening.

And so he did, riding off

: into the sunset alone—and the
: witch and the princess lived
: happily ever after, for about
: three weeks until they both
decided to see other people.

 

Save money, concoct coffee

» Students commandeer chemistry labs for cheaper coffee

Chandler Walter
Contributor

ith the lack of working
hours available
combined with bank account-
crushing tuition fees,
Douglas College students
are finding it hard to manage
their finances. A group of
students have taken matters
into their own hands by using
laboratory equipment to brew
coffee.
“It’s been working out
really well,” Ian Kently,
a second-year student at

: Douglas, told us. “I mean,

: the Bunsen burners and

: laboratory glassware aren’t
: exactly ideal for coffee, but
: hey, it’s free.”

It is still unknown what

: amount of permission was

: received from faculty for this
: endeavour, but it appears the
: student body is all for it.

“More and more people

join us every day,” Ian said,
: between sips from a glass

: beaker. “They see the long line :
: at Tim’s, and if they’ve heard

: about what we're doing, they
: come to take a look. It’s really
: quite the intricate process,

: too. We're like the Breaking
: Bad of coffee.”

Ian was gracious enough

: to treat me to a graduated

: cylinder full of his own brew,
: and while the coffee was

: burnt, watery, and lukewarm,
: it was most definitely

: caffeinated and inexpensive.

He also explained the

: reasoning behind sucha
: project: “As students, we
: have to make sacrifices for

our futures. I didn’t even

: have enough money to buy
: textbooks this semester, but
: when it comes to necessities
: like coffee, you just have to

: find a way to make it work.”

While many Douglas

How long these makeshift

cafés will continue production
: is yet to be determined,

: though the group has been

: migrating randomly from

: class to class in the hopes of

: remaining inconspicuous.

: : We've also heard from sources
: students are more than willing :
: to get their daily caffeine

: fix from the on-campus Tim
: Horton’s, for some, like chem
: lab brewer Tara Reid, it simply :
: isn’t an option. “Paying $1.50 a
: cup is robbery,” Reid said, “and :
: obviously us students need

: coffee long after 8 p.m.—it’s
: just ridiculous.”

that many staff members are

: willing to turn a blind eye if
: “donated” a top-up to their
: own coffee mugs.

With tuition fees at

: an all-time high, textbook

prices through the roof, and

: caffeine addictions stronger

: than ever as we get into the

: second half of this semester,

: one truly does have to admire
: the resourcefulness, passion,

: and initiative shown by these
: penniless students.