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( Occult ritual brings straw feminists to life

And more!

 

Douglas students reach critical

levels of boredom

» Students’ attention spans dive as finals near

Chandler Walter
Contributor

recent survey of Douglas

College students is baffling
specialists and professors alike.
It has been found that at least
85 per cent of students “do not
actually get around to doing

It appears that the closer
exams are, or the more
homework there is piled up,
the more prone to distractions
students seem to become.

“I don't know what
happened,” student Kevin Jung
told the Other Press as he sat
in the library with his books
and papers scattered in front
of him. “I showed up after
lunch and I just, I got really
interested in counting how
many dots there were in the
ceiling. Then the library was
closed.”

It is terrible incidents
like this that leave students
scrambling at the last minute.

Some try to escape the
wildly fascinating distractions
of the library by studying
elsewhere, though even this

: strategy often does not seem to
: work out too well.

As was the case for poor

: Hannah-Belle Lancaster, who

: turned off her phone and

: computer and locked herself

: in her room, yet recently set

: the Guinness World Record for
: “Most Flowers Drawn on the

, : Outside of a Page.”
homework when they mean to.” :

Lancaster, unfortunately,

: was unable to comment on

: the situation, as she was too
: busy drawing flowers on the
: outsides of her pages.

With the growing

: influence of social media

: and besotted birds (is that

: still a thing?) students have
: inexhaustible excuses for

: excluding themselves from
: their seemingly endless

: workload.

It seems to bea

: pandemic that affects us all,

: from philosophy majors to

: criminology tutors, even to

: you, dear reader. Yes, you.

: Don't you have some better

: use for your time? Of course

: you do. But don’t worry, it can
: wait until tonight/tomorrow

: morning at 4 a.m., can’t it?

 

 

Ello? Is anyone there?

» A new, perfect (anti) social network for introverts and anthrophobics

Sharon Miki
Humour Editor
™ humour
@theotherpress.ca

Wwe tech analysts are
marvelling over the
continued existence of users
on the seemingly abysmal new
social networking platform,
Ello, sociologists are suggesting
a simple explanation: people
who hate social media use

the platform as a way to avoid
meaningful social interaction.
Because basically no one posts
on Ello.

“It’s great! I only know, like,
one other person who uses Ello,
and she never posts anything ...
so I can just lurk,” said extreme
introvert Lorilei Gilmore. “It’s
like going to a movie in an

 

: empty theatre—you get the

: satisfaction of ‘participating,
: but you have a one per cent

: chance of actually having to

: interact with anyone!”

Ello is a social media

: platform developed as an

: alternative to popular social

: sites like Facebook and Twitter,
: and it has indeed proven

: itself as an alternative—an

: alternative to popularity. While
: the site successfully lives up to

: its mission of being “simple,

: beautiful, and ad-free,” it has

: thus far failed to garner enough
: users or content to mean

: absolutely anything. It is this

: lack of popularity that makes

: it attractive to introverts and

: anthrophobics.

While critics point out

: the pointlessness of Ello if
: no one is using it, supporters

: suggest that it is offering a

: social service for oft-neglected
: introverts, much like those

: list-style “1o Things Only an

: Introvert Would Understand”
: articles.

: “One of the worst things

: about today’s society is that it’s
: set up to be discriminatory to

: people like me—people who

: just truly hate other people

: and interacting with them,”

: explained Ello advocate and

: outspoken person-afraid-of-

: people, Luke Danes. “Social

: media, socializing ... it’s all too
: much! Ello lets me participate
: in society without worrying

: about anyone ever actually

: expecting me to do anything.”
: “I don’t even know how

: to post something, even if I

: wanted to—which of course I

: do not,” added Gilmore.

Been told you're too funny?
Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor
M4 humour@theotherpress.ca

www theotherpress.ca