it at Now | can tell you how to run a campaign... Right Hook JJ McCullough, OP Columnist If you’ve been reading the papers lately, you can be excused for thinking that Stephen Harper is the single most incompetent political strategist in the history of Canada. Otherwise, why would pretty much every columnist, pundit, blogger, and self-proclaimed politi- cal analyst in the nation feel that Harper needs to hear their unsolicited campaign advice? While it is heartening to see so many media people keen to see the Conservatives actually win for a change, the constant nagging of the armchair quarter- back brigade is getting a bit tiresome. You’d think Harper was some sort of perennially fourth-place Jack Layton-esque character, rather than the man who pulled conservative standings in the House of Commons from 78 to 99 in the last election. Maybe Harper should just run a full slate of irate newspaper columnists this time around, since that would appar- Xmas Sucks: ently ensure a 100 percent sweep. The thing about electoral advice from newspaper columnists is that their suggestions seem to be mostly constructed to increase the party’s appeal to other newspaper columnists. They confuse the Canadian public with the editorial board of the Toronto Star, and assume that the policies that can win over the latter are the same as the ones that will impress the former. So Harper is told to dress casually so he will pho- tograph well, speak in gentle terms so he will have good sound bytes, and above all, for God’s sake don’t dare criticize the press or it will surely tear you a new one, More than anything else, the press also loves to demand Harper be more moderate. Ditch all that crazy social conservative clap trap and pro-America BS, they declare, and you'll surely cruise to victory faster than you can say Joe Clark. The real problem with the Conservative party’s electoral strategy, in my view, is that these sorts of suggestions have actually been taken far too seriously, and as a direct result, for the last three elections the party (or it’s Alliance predecessor) has always gone into elections on the defensive. Far from espousing radical right-wing policies, its leaders have gone to great lengths to try and pass themselves off as the sort of Liberal-lite moderates the media keeps clamoring for. Whenever it’s suggested that the Conservatives may in fact hold anti-status quo views on any issue, Outraged Lefty pledges to stay in home during break Left Overs lain Reeve, OP Columnist Yes, I know, there is a federal election coming. Yes, I know it’s during the holiday season and Paul is spending all our money, Stephen is declaring war on gays, Jack is getting cocky, and Gilles is just a big doo-doo head. I know these things. But, sadly that is not my focus today. Unlike the election, which will still be going on when we wipe the sleep from our eyes and awaken in a new semester, my topic will be long gone. I’ve pointed a lot of fingers, stirred a lot of emotions, and voiced many views this past year, but one more thing must be said before 2005 grinds to a close: I hate Xmas. There are some things you just don’t pick on. Society has sectioned off many groups/events/cultural items etc., and made them off limits for criticism. Xmas is certainly one of those things. Nothing will get you shunned by family, ignored by friends, and removed from holiday card lists (ha ha!) quicker than criticizing the dearest of all holidays. I, however, make a point to tear open this wound every year to see just how many gift lists I can get myself removed from. First off, if you celebrate the religious aspects of Christmas, that is totally fine by me. However it is good to recognize that for most Canadians, Xmas has as much to do with Jesus as St. Patrick’s Day has to do with St. Patrick. No, for the majority of us, the 25th has gradually changed from a quiet day at home with the family, to a two-month orgy of binge shopping and bad emotions that culminate in a day of greediness and forced phone calls to distant unknown family members. Perhaps this sounds somewhat cynical, but let’s face it—everything people claim is good and wholesome about Xmas is pretty far from reality. First, people will argue it’s a time of giving. Giving to whom? People who actually need it? People give maybe a quarter, or God forbid/bless, a toonie into the Salvation Army bucket before dropping $500 on an Xbox 360. I just don’t understand why showing people you love them necessitates running yourself into a horrible debt to buy them things they may or may not want or need. As much as we are an ugly product-driven society most of the time, Xmas makes us retarded. We become so caught up in it all that we forget that the good people won't care what we get them, and the bad ones don’t deserve a damn thing. I cannot fathom the stress people put themselves through. Having worked many holiday seasons in the retail industry, I can say one thing: I have never seen as many uptight, irritable, vicious pricks in one place as I they immediately go into extreme denial mode, paint themselves as the true defenders of Canada, and argue it’s actually the Liberals who are the real radicals. Case in point: Last election the Liberals ran a series of ads simply consisting of a series of “damning” quotes made by Stephen Harper over the years. They showed Harper praising the Iraq war, promoting two- tier healthcare, opposing same-sex marriage, yadda yadda yadda. What was the Conservative response? They made a website. But not a website that, you know, actually defended Harper, or backed up his arguments with facts and context, or anything like that. No, they made a website that presented quotes from Paul Martin in which he praised the Iraq war, promoted two-tier healthcare, and opposed same-sex marriage. I have absolutely no clue what the strategy behind this plan was, but apparently it’s one the media loves. “Throw the charges back at Martin!” the pundits cry. “That will fix him!” To be sure, Paul Martin is a raging hypocrite, like all Liberals. But to argue that he holds, or has held, conservative positions identical to that of Mr. Harper can only serve two equally unproductive purposes: a) it acknowledges that Harper is no more scary than Martin (which in turn defines them both as moderately scary, which seems like a pretty shallow victory); and b) it reinforces the belief that certain issues and posi- tions are too controversial to ever discuss openly, and continued on pg 9 have in a mall near the 25th. I refuse to believe that all the stress, anger, suicide attempts, and so forth are worth the happiness and goodness that occur on Xmas Day. The second thing people will claim is that this is a special time for family. Much like with Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s, and Earth Day, there are two conclusions. Either you don’t need one special day to tell people you care about them because you do it all the time, or you call Aunt Bertha Xmas afternoon to thank her for the bunny sweater and never talk to her till the next year. This means either you’re an asshole or your aunt sucks and you shouldn’t ever talk to her. Why get her hopes up? Look, all I’m saying is that if you really believe Xmas is about these things then walk your walk. Buy everyone you love one thoughtful, useful gift. Get good and drunk with the family you care about and ignore the ones who secretly hate you. Stow away the decora- tions, and just sit and enjoy the day off. Stay away from malls and, if you have to go, be nice to the clerk—you have no idea how much crap they are putting up with. And cherish the most important thing: You don’t have to be at school. Enjoy the break everyone. Section Ecditor’s note: Only Iain Reeve cares so much about Earth Day that hell call you, your friends, your family, and the neighbourhood squirrels to say he loves you. I love you too, lain, but fuck off with the lacey love letters on April 22nd already. Merry Christmas, you opinionated Scrooge.