This issue:

(¥ Kid blows hand off with fireworks
(Y Canadian Tire-d of this bullshit
(¥ Daylight savings time ignites conflict

Have an idea for a story? Let us know!

Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
4 humour@theotherpress.ca

And more!

 

Cuffing season upon us once again

» Cold weather brings cold intentions

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

his is a Public Service

Announcement from
your local RCMP
The clouds come, the sky
darkens, and a noticeable chill
enters the air every November,
bringing with it the infamously
deemed “cuffing season.”

Be warned, men of Canada,
for you could be target of cold,
single women, who would
otherwise be content remaining
single if not for the chill in
their bones and the lack of
heating in their homes.

These women are crafty,
and they’re quick. They will
take you unawares with a
prolonged stare or a sly smile,
but they only want you for your
warmth. Just as humans of
old hunted and trapped great
beasts for their furs, so too are
you being hunted, trapped, and
used for your warm embrace
or XL overcoat this winter.

Already, there have been

: reports coming in from across

: the country: men being

: emotionally and literally cuffed
: to these cunning predators,

: their hearts as locked up as

: the handcuff on their wrists.

Many of our own officers

: have been victims of cuffing

: season, with women snagging
: the RCMP issued handcuffs

: off their belts and locking

: some of our handsomest

: officers to their wrists.

Nothing but the thaw

: of spring and the warmth of

: an almost summer sun can

: convince these women to free
: captured men from their cuffs.

In the case of being cuffed:

* Remain calm!
Panicking will only
worsen the situation.

* Hold onto your coat
for dear life. It is your
only solace against
the elements, the only
bargaining chip you
have with your cuffer.
Winter is coming.

* Get a haircut. Youre

 

going to have to get
through winter with
your cuffer, and that
means Christmas, and

that means family dinner :
with her mom andall her :
aunts and you don’t want :
them to call you “scruffy” :

all night, trust me.

* DO NOT attempt to
bite through the chain
while she sleeps. It
will only anger her
and hurt your teeth.

* Try to enjoy it. You
are susceptible to the
cold just as they are.

For those of you who would

 

Image via thinkstock

: like to remain single and uncuffed
: this winter, the RCMP is issuing

: “cuff-proof wrist wear” that act as
: adeterrent from possible cuffers

: this season. This device is akin

: to water wings, and provides a

: barrier to both the wrists from

: handcuffs and to women from

: finding you at all attractive.

 

Eight things scientifically proven to
potentially give you cancer

» Here’s what to look out for

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
© humour@theotherpress.ca

Pressed meats. A recent
scientific study has revealed
that processed meats (crispy

ham in that sandwich you had at
lunch) have a proven association
with the risk of cancer. It is
recommended to avoid these
delicious foods at all costs.

Stars. Ever go out with a loved
one and gaze lovingly into each
other’s eyes, and up into the
heavens? Well, you shouldn't.
Ever. It has been scientifically
proven with evidence of the

give you cancer, and also severely
increase the risk of pregnancy.

Sunlight. Science here again.

: either. That giant ball of fire

: in the sky might as well just

: bea big ball of cancer. If you

: do wander outdoors while it is
: light out, it is recommended

: to stay under a sun umbrella,

: and to also lather yourself
bacon, salty sausages, the slices of ! With double coats of SPF 100

> sunscreen. Can never be too safe.

: Living. 100 per cent of cancer

: patients have contracted the

: disease while being alive. While
: it is not recommended to cease
: living in the hopes of avoiding

: cancer, we urge you all to live

: just a little bit less. No more

: rollercoasters, spontaneous

: declarations of love, or dancing
: in the rain (rain could also

scientific variety that starlight can probably give you cancer).

: you're breathing! Febreze can

: only tackle 99.9 per cent of all

: airborne microorganisms. Guess
: what that 0.1 per cent is? We :
: suggest walking around with one :!
: of those surgical mask things
: at all times (Alternatively, you
: can make one at home with

: nothing but a Downy dryer

: sheet and some elastic bands).

: Smoking. Well, this one’s

: obvious. Burning one end of a

: stick of chemicals and inhaling
: the smoke from the other end?
: Not to mention you are both

: breathing and living at the very
: same time. Triple threat. But

: it does look pretty cool. So,

: just in moderation, all right?

: Worrying. Worrying about having :
: Water that’s left ina plastic water : :
: bottle for too long in the sun. You :
: ever wonder what that weird taste :

cancer is the number one cause
of cancer, according to totally
real scientific evidence. Spending

 

: to stress, which, believe it or not,

bss if

: witha lover, and allow yourselves

Image via thinkstock

: is? You guessed it. Cancer again. : every day of your life making : can lead to cancer. So, just don’t

: decisions about what you're going sweat it, all right? Have that piece :
: to eat or do or be based on scary: of bacon, or three. Soak up the :
: things you read in newspapers —_:_ sun. Breathe all the time, if youre : Just maybe avoid the cigs, kids.
: will give you anxiety, which leads :

: so inclined! Go gaze at some stars :

: to forget about what may or may

Remember how we said you
shouldn't go out under the
starlight? Yeah, probably
shouldn't go out in the daylight

: not befall you in the future.
: Breathing. Think of all those

: horrible, teeny-tiny things
: floating around in the air