7 ] wr v — Fg La eal ™ opinionsubmit@hotmail.com How to Reduce Our Dependance on Foreign Oil Let me “Count” the ways Donald Kawasaki, Donald Kawasaki Foundation As a teenager, I once accidentally stabbed myself in the wrist and, to my horror, bled crude oil. After a few moments of sheer panic, I realized that I was only hallucinat- ing on some seriously great mushroom caps, but the effect was nevertheless pro- found. Upon my release from the psychi- atric ward of Riverview Hospital, I came to some important conclusions: a) psych wards are an amazing place to get free drugs; b) DO NOT TOUCH MY TOES! DON'TTOUCHMYTOES! I'LL KILL YOU]; and c) we are bleeding the earth dry. Science proves that people are consum- ing oil at an astronomical rate, but com- mon sense dictates that the beans don't burn in the kitchen. What? I'LL KILL YOU! The Kawasaki Korporation has main- tained for years that you can't get blood from a turnip (read You Can't Get Blood From a Turnip: Why Dry Planets Don't Make Good Goulash for more information). Planet Earth is a finite resource and we must slow our vampire-like blood lust for oil. Every day, Saudi Arabians churn out millions and millions of barrels of oil. The stock market yins and yangs as production fluctuates. Prices rise and fall. Governments dip into strategic reserves in order to reduce the price at the pump by a few measly cents. Wars are waged in order to secure reserves while other resources are ignored because of their political unat- tractiveness. With solar power, wind power, electricity, hydrogen cells, and even water-based fuel systems available today, doesn't anybody wonder why we haven't invested in or implemented these alterna- tives yet? Governments have moved towards these innovational energy sources with the speed of a zombie. Naturally, the only power that is greater (and cooler) than zombie power is vampire power. And so, we believe everyone should begin sucking from the abundant supply of blood in the world. With all that blood sucking, it's only a matter of time before we all become vampire hybrids. Once we're vampires, we won't have to worry about traveling with oil-using, dioxide-producing gas guzzlers- we could all fly by changing into bats. Vampire lore teaches us that the only way to become a vampire is to suffer a bite at the hands of one, followed by the drinking of the offending night-stalker's blood. This poses two problems: where would we find a vampire and, even if we do, that's a whole lot of biting for one vampire to do. The first problem, however, is easily solved: I'm a vampire. It's true; I've been living by night and hiding by day for over a decade now—drinking the nocturnal wine and burning the midnight oil. I'm not entirely sure how I became a vampire, but it must have happened during that three- day rave when I smoked crack for the first time and came home bloodied and sca- bies-ridden with two missing teeth. As for the second problem, again, Kawasaki's got your back. I'm fully pre- pared to continue biting as many of you as I can. I've been experimenting on the interns that Cap College keeps sending over, and I'm sure that I'm getting close to perfecting the transformation. Granted, none have been successful yet, which has left a bloody mess on my hands at the Kawasaki offices, but nobody seems to miss the Cap students. If the Kawasaki Korporation is suc- cessful in this endeavour, we will save on fuel costs, reduce the damage to the envi- ronment, and improve the nightlife of Vancouver and other Canadian cities. As a child, didn't you always dream of flying? Well, by volunteering for the Kawasaki Korporation, you can stick your neck out and make a difference in the never-ending battle to reduce our depend- ence on foreign oil. Stake a claim in the heart of Canada; become an eco-friendly vampire today. Editor's note: Blessedly, David Suzuki's Science Matters column will return next week. And may Donald Kawasaki never be mentioned again.