Welcome to Douglas College

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Contact: Chandler Walter, Humour Editor
Mhumour@theotherpress.ca

» Fake news for real college students

Alexia Barnes
Contributor

welcoming community

where the sun beats down
on an unforgiving hill, the moon
gets occasionally shrouded, and

from the sky as we all attempt to
study.

Welcome to Douglas
College.

Student Council has
announced that there is to be
a Cat Café on the corner of
Carnarvon St. and Eighth St.

No matter how enticing and
friendly the Cat Café seems, cats
are not allowed inside. People
are not allowed in the Cat Café.

Do not approach the windows
or the door. A suspicious smoke
may leak through the crevices,
and nobody should inhale this.
Please refrain from looking at
the Cat Café, and for no period
of time should you look at the
silhouettes. The Cat Café will
not hurt you.

Now, onto news.

Old Charlie—the man
who orders the same cold cuts
sandwich every day from the
Subway across the street—
says that winged beasts have
revealed themselves to him. He
has said they are over 10 feet
tall, incandescent, and one of
them left a glittering residue
wherever it walked. These
beasts helped Old Charlie with
various chores at his house.
One of them replaced a kitchen

said faucet. It was touched by
the glittering beast, if that
sweetens the deal. If interested,
please contact Old Charlie. He
is at Subway, eating a cold cut

: sandwich.

Anew student, among

: many, has enrolled today.

: Nobody could tell their actual
: gender, but they were beautifully :
: androgynous. Who are they? :
: What do they want? Why the
mysterious beams are cast down : perfect, shiny blonde hair? Why
: the perfect, streamlined coat?

: They claim they are a physics

: major. We've all been physics

: Majors at some points in our

: lives. But why now? Why here?

: And what do they plan to do

: with the alarmingly large blue

: backpack they have on? Or all

: the lurking around Tre Galli :
: Gelato Caffe? No one does gelato :
: like Tre Galli. No one. :

This is a friendly reminder

One may see hooded silhouettes. : to all the parents out there.

: Let’s talk about safety when

: taking your children to see

: the Friendship Gardens. You

: need to give them a healthy

: amount of water, and enough

: social time with friends who are
: coincidentally there. Keep an

: eye on the helicopter colours.

: Are the helicopters black? Most
: likely an engineering class ona

: field trip. Please be respectful,

: as the students are hard at

: work. Are they olive green and

: slate grey? That is the Student

: Council. They are just there to

: ensure that you and your kids

: are safe, and they rarely ever

: take one. Are the helicopters

: a bit small and have murals of

: eagles and falcons? Nobody

: knows exactly what they are or

: what they want from us. Do not
: visit the garden. Go home, lock

faucet. Old Charlie is now selling ; the doors and wait for a student
: ambassador with a blazer on

: to leave a daisy in front of your

: door, signifying your family is

: safe. Cover your ears to block out :
: the screaming. Also, remember

: that Dr. Pepper is basically a

: sports drink, so give your kids
: plain old water and some apple
: slices when they play.

The sun didn’t set at the

: correct time today, the—now

: confirmed gender fluid—

: physics major reported. They

: are certain of it. Pulling many
: clocks out of their backpack,

: they are definitely sure the sun
: set 10 minutes later than it was
: supposed to. There was noreal_:
: concrete reasoning though. They :
: mostly sat with other science :
: majors in a circle, staring at a
: desk clock and the sun drawn

This issue:

(¥ New changes to come to Douglas this fall

(¥ Join the frat!
(Y ‘Shock Therapy’

And more!

: ona piece of paper, grunting,
: murmuring, and humming. Still, :
: we must be grateful we have the
: sun. It is easy to forget about it

: with our busy schedules. Life

: would actually be slightly harder
: for us without it.

Student Council would

: like to inform everyone about
: the Tiered Heavens and

: about the hierarchy of angels.
: The reminder is that you

: should know nothing about

the angels. The structure of

: Heaven and the Structural
: Angelic Organizational chart is
: privileged information meant

 

>
Ss
<
=
o
9
oO
a
ov
3
&
>
Q
°
£
°
a
a,

: only for Student Council, and is

on a need-to-know basis. Please

: do not speak to or acknowledge
: any angels at the Riverside

: Market or the Old Spaghetti

: Factory. Angels only tell lies and
: do not exist.

We here at the Other Press

: assume that the evenings this

: week will settle into beautiful,

: clear nights. We hope all of you
: out there have someone you

? can sleep through it with, or

: at least have good memories of
: hypothetically sleeping.

Good luck, Douglas. Good

luck.

 

 

the animals

 

   
 

| applied for a job at the
aquarium to take care of

  

  

   

 

 
  

Sounds like a messy job,
you must really like fish

    

 
  
   

 

| just want to feel like
I'm serving a porpoise

  

 

 

by David Manky, Contributor