Your Horoscopes

> Fortunes for the merry merry month of May

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

H“ at the Other Press, we like to spend elaborate
amounts of money on a phony psychic who

lives in the office supply closet. Here’s what she’s

predicted about your destiny* for this month.

*All destinies come with a 30-day satisfaction guaranteed
warranty, though warranty is void if user engages in: lamp
rubbing, star wishing, wishing-well contributing, birthday
candle blowing, or any and all forms of divine intervention.

 

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY...

If your birthday is on the fourth, we predict that you

will suffer a monumental amount of Star Wars jokes
thrown your way. If it’s on the fifth, your birthday is
likely overshadowed by Cinco de Mayo. If it’s on Mother’s
Day and you happen to not be a mother, you should
expect to give up your birthday privileges in lieu of
appreciating mothers everywhere. If it’s any other day

of the month, it’s predicted that you will be abducted by
aliens and taken to another planet. Happy birthday!

ARIES
(March 21 — April 20)

Aries, May holds many surprises in store for you. Telling you what
these surprises will look like, of course, is entirely against the
spirit of the whole thing we're doing here, but we can reveal this
to you: Turtles are most definitely involved. Whether we mean the
chocolate or the animal is for us to know, and for you to find out.

 

 

EN -W-OM(o(-t- Riel mre Bele) a ee
M humour@theotherpress.ca

 

Oliamar

 

 

 

(¥ Humour editor struggles to make an origi-

nal joke about President Trump's antic
(¥ Writer wakes up from post-exam coma
(¥ Counter-culture food recipe

And more!

 

VIRGO

(Aug. 24 — Sept. 23)

This month, you will find yourself in a situation that you might not
have expected ever to find yourself in. You were, maybe, expecting to
find yourself beside it, or hovering slightly above it, but certainly not
in it. It just goes to show how wacky and unpredictable life can be.

 

SCORPIO
(Oct. 24 — Nov. 22)

Scorpio, this month marks the first month of the rest of your life.
June will also be the first month of the rest of your life, as will July, so
don't feel too bad if you don’t make the most of May while it’s here.

SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 23 — Dec. 21)

If you listen closely, with all your might, you might catch a

brief whisper of the universe telling you the answers to all your
questions. We suggest you do your absolute best to ignore it. Your
parental figure didn’t raise you to be a cheater, after all, and the
universe should know better than to give out all the answers.

CAPRICORN
(Dec. 22 — Jan. 20)

This month is a perfect month to start thinking really hard about
what you're doing with your life, where your choices are taking you,
and why youre still eating Nutella out of the jar at 23 years old like
some damned heathen. It’s not good for you, Capricorn, have you
seen how much sugar they put in that stuff? It’s actually ridiculous.

AQUARIUS
(Jan. 21 — Feb. 19)

Aquarius, we're not going to beat around the bush about
this—there’s a high possibility that this month is going to be
incredibly average. Like, really, completely, and totally normal,
with no surprises whatsoever. Whether this is a comfort or
not is up to you, and how much you enjoy mediocrity.

PISCES
(Feb. 20 — Mar. 20)

This month will bring you luck! Good luck? Bad
luck? Neutral luck? Who knows! But luck is certainly
on its way to you in one form or another.