issue 9// vol 45 humour // no. 17 Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Ww" began this Sunday as a cheerful u nion of families quickly turned sour. Marianne Brownstone, family matriarch and winner of “Best Fruit Pie” in the annual Comox Valley Exhibition, reportedly killed the vibes at a party. “Murdered it in cold blood,” Marianne’s son Jeremy Brownstone, 22, is reported to have said. Guests were engaging in small talk and niceties when, apropos of nothing, Marianne announced, “This might be Grandma Joan’s last Christmas,” in a decibel well above speaking level. “Grandma Joan definitely heard,” Jeremy added. Friends and family members came from as far as Toronto to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of Michael Brownstone and Stephanie Brinkley. After a sumptuous dinner of smoked ham and scalloped potatoes, the two families retreated to the living room where Marianne dealt the final blow. Brinkley was inconsolable at the time of the interviews. “We were just talking about how excited everyone was to start planning the bridal shower,” she told reporters tearfully. “Then Marianne swung in. Grandma Joan isn’t even my grandmother. This is the first time I’ve met her!” Here Brinkley paused to blow her nose. “And,” she sobbed, “it might be the last!” “I don’t even know who she was talking to,’ said David Brownstone, husband of Marianne and father of Michael and Jeremy. “It certainly wasn’t me. ‘Manspreader’ rightfully earns multiple seats on crowded bus > ‘He could take my job if he really wanted, said bus driver Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor I one bold move, Greg Moncriff, 46, took claim over two seats on the gg B-Line last Thursday afternoon. After boarding the already-crowded bus at the notoriously busy Commercial- Broadway stop, Moncriff established his dominance at the back of the bus by spreading his meaty thighs as wide as his thick denim work jeans would allow. “T’ve never seen anything like it before in my life,” Krista Von Brees, mother of two and local librarian, told local press. “It was a power move unlike any other. He earned that seat. He earned all those seats on the bus in my eyes.” Von Brees, who single-handedly raised enough donations to build two elementary schools in a developing nation, wholeheartedly supported Moncriff’s actions. “My children were sitting next to him, so I pulled them off the seats in case he wanted to stretch out even further or even lie down and take a nice nap. Anybody who takes up that much room in a crowded public area probably has a good reason for doing so.” Moncriff’s displays of masculine excellence didn’t stop there. Witnesses say Moncriff then stretched his legs out as far as he could, leaving his muddy work boots in the aisle for people to trip over. And trip they did. Ester Montgomery, 82, barely caught herself before hooking her cane on a safety bar and swinging herself to safety. “Yes, I did dislocate a hip,” Ester commented. “I’m nowhere near as limber as I used to be. But from Moncriff’s pose and generally violent aura I knew I had to bend to his will. Nobody would sit like that if they didn’t earn that seat. In all my years, I’ve never seen such a blatant disregard for personal space and human etiquette. Just stunning!” Some at the Other Press offices Image via Reductress.com I was talking to Pete about going skiing in the new year. I don’t think she was saying it to anyone in particular. Joan is my mother, too. We've been married for over 20 years and she’s never been close with my mom at all. I tell you, it really killed the vibe” Jeremy, a second-year medical student at UBC, gave a final statement to the press. “I was really psyched to take a ferry and drive two hours to get here and talk to cousins that I have nothing in common with,” David told Other Press reporters. “Not to mention stare at all the food that I, asa vegan, couldn't eat. But the cherry on top of the non-dairy sundae was being reminded of the cruel passage of time. It really helped put things in perspective, like one day my own parents will suffer the same fate as Grandma Joan. Always nice to come back and see the fam!” Grandma Joan, surprisingly spry, came of her own accord to speak to reporters. weren't so quick to assume Moncriff deserved the two seats. We contacted local private investigator Oliver Burke to do some background digging on our transit vigilante. “T went back pretty far,” Burke said. “T would say there's a bevy of reasons why he deserved that seat. For example, his favorite show Entourage got taken off of Netflix in 2017. In 1981 he asked for a red Power Rangers toy for Christmas and got the green one instead. Also, his parents divorced when he was 28. That kind of thing really changes a man.” Family party ruined when reminded that it ‘might be grandma's last Christmas’ > ‘Tleft immediately after’ said partygoer “IT don’t know why she brings that up every dinner, especially within earshot. 1 live a very full and exciting life. I’m currently seeing two gentlemen, I have a bowling league, and I host a bridge club every Friday night. Suzanne has a card for medical marijuana, so you know we like to get rowdy!” Marianne offered a tearful apology, sloshing a large glass of wine in her left hand. “I’m sorry if I ‘brought the mood down, everybody. I didn’t know caring was such a crime. | just try and do my part asa mother of two and a loving wife. I’m sorry if that made everybody upset. By the way, Uncle Greg isn’t looking so good, and he had a nasty cough at the party. He should really go to the doctor sooner rather than later. Prostate cancer runs in the family, you know” Photo by Richard Yeh / WNYC on Flickr Burke also noted that on the day of the alleged seat spreading Moncriff had forgotten his lunch at home and had to purchase lunch at a food truck instead. “Tt was a vegan juice truck too,” Burke said. “He got vegan take on a banh mi. That’s hardly enough sustenance for a nine-hour construction shift. Yes, Moncriff earned that seat. I would stake my licence on it.” Moncriff was later seen barging onto the SkyTrain before exiting riders had a chance to get off, displaying both his virility and raw, unbridled power.