humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

 

 

 

 

Simple tips for getting ih lta,
your beach body ready nintentionally
this summer!

inappropriate
vintage ads

 

> This year’s trip to the lake will be the one best yet!

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor

 

1) Make sure your body is
nice and clean. Noth-
ing takes the fun out
of a trip to the lake like
having dirt or blood all
over your body! Bleach
should take care of any
nasty stains, and it also
removes any traces of fin-
gerprints that may have
been left by you or your
accomplices. How fun!

2) Bundle up against the lonely paddle! Be sure to trips to the lake are a ee
elements. Lake water can pack a few fun cocktails lengthy affair, especially ACRE
be cold, especially in the to enjoy while rocking if you're trying to keep Captain Morgan baeand Re

dead of night! Be sure to
wrap your body up ina
few layers of protective
plastic (the darker the
better!) to keep all your
limbs and whatnot to-
gether as it drifts to the
very depths of the lake.

3) Don't forget to acces-
sorize! You can liven up
your body (pun intend-
ed!) by adding fun acces-

Justin Trudeau lands war-starting elbow

sories for your body’s trip
to the lake. A nice pair of
cement shoes is what all
the magazines are saying
is “in” this year, but feel
free to think creatively!
A chain-link belt or even
a decorative stone could
do the trick just as well.

4) Bring along some fun
summer drinks. Noth-
ing says “party at the
lake” like bringing a few
fun beverages to enjoy
during the long and

out on the boat, includ-
ing (but not limited to)

a mickey of whiskey, a
mickey of vodka, or, if
youre feeling extra ad-
venturous, a mickey of
moonshine. Nothing like
drowning out the memo-
ries of a felony with your
favourite hard liquor!

5) Bring a friend along.
Sometimes going to the
lake in the dead of night

can get a bit lonely, so
make sure to snake a
friend (or three!) into
the situation with you.
They don’t even have

to be in the know to be
an accessory to murder.
Have one of them paddle,
the other on lookout,
and then you can enjoy
your fun summer time
drinks alone as you
come to grips with the
weight of the situation.

6) Bring a snack. Midnight

noise and light to a
minimum and so much
moving around in the
dark can really stir up

a hunger. Be sure that

it isn’t just the fish that
will be eating tonight,
and pack a snack for you
and your buddies. Just
make sure that it isn’t too
fatty, as beach season is
coming—you want your
body in tip-top shape!

 

Gouptoagirl
and whisper
“Yo-Ho-Ho’

 

~\

‘Move ie prety chee

And reuke sure bo-point buviting hy
to your bottie ef Capeain Morgan
Kum.

lier thew remarks about heniry

  

be Carbon, paler treed,

   
 
   
   

Ordby ginger. Or ow f
‘Or (What the bell!) Chumgacpee
bh

 

comes hark for mone,

tthe Captain Moria

 

weru iuerp al Aer,

Captain Morgan Rum.
‘Yo-Ho-Ha!

 

 

w

 

 

 

“an or don”

Brittney MacDonald, Life & Style Editor

 

 

Fl

on the President of the United States

> #Elbowgate ignites conflict between neighbouring nations

Jake Wray
Senior Columnist

 

he United States of
America and Canada
are at the brink of war after
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
elbowed President Barack
Obama during a joint-security
meeting late last night.

“Words cannot describe
the betrayal I felt when my
close friend viciously assaulted
me,’ said an emotional
Obama during an emergency
broadcast to the nation.

“This Act of Terror cannot
go unanswered. An attack on
one of us is an attack on all of
us. Our military will respond
swiftly and with great fury.”

As American troops
amass at the goth parallel
and AC-130 gunships circle
the skies over Vancouver and
Ottawa, little is clear about
the elbowing incident and

the events that led up to it.
Representatives from
Canada and the United States
have both confirmed that
Trudeau and Obama were at
Camp David over the weekend
to discuss mutual security
threats such as ISIS, Russia, and
George R. R. Martin’s health.
The two world leaders had
a productive day of meetings
on Monday before settling
down for a friendly game of
Monopoly after dinner. From
that point on, accounts from

each country are vastly different.

Sources close to the
President, speaking on
condition of anonymity, told
the Other Press that Trudeau
lost his temper after Obama
secured both Boardwalk and
Park Place. The sources claim
that Trudeau called Obama a
“Fucking capitalist pig,’ before
leaping across the table and
savagely elbowing the President

multiple times. They began
to tousle, and Secret Service
agents and Trudeau’s RCMP
security detail engaged ina
lengthy gunfight before the
two government leaders could
be separated. The sources
allege that Trudeau and his
entourage fled Camp David and
escaped back to Canada using
experimental stealth technology
that the Canadian government
is developing for Saudi Arabia.
The Prime Minister gave his
own version of events during an
emergency press conference on
Parliament Hill this morning.
“Tt was only a light bump,
it was completely accidental,”
Trudeau said between sobs.
“The Community Chest
card stack was a little askew,
so I leaned over to straighten it
out, and I guess I accidentally
brushed his chest with my
elbow. I never thought it
would come to this.”

 

Trudeau confirmed to
reporters that there was a
small-arms fight between
security forces, but refused
to explain how he made it
back to Canada safely.

“Stealth technology?

I have no idea what you're

talking about,” he said,

as he loosened his tie.
Trudeau has offered a

formal apology to Obama,

but the President is still

considering military action.
More to come as

this story develops.

 

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