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Without a clue

» Sherlock Holmes a fraud?

Adam Tatelman
Staff Writer

oday, world-renowned

English detective
Sherlock Holmes published a
controversial tell-all memoir
entitled Educated Guess. To the
dismay of fans worldwide, the
book reveals that Holmes had,
for decades, been guessing the
solutions to all his most famous
cases.

“My parents always believed
I was a precocious child,”
Holmes confessed to reporters at
his book signing. “I was an early
reader, and since my brother
Mycroft was such a brilliant
boy, they were convinced I too
would turn out to be some kind
of genius. I am sorry to have
disappointed them.” As it turns
out, Holmes had merely acted
as though he knew what he was
talking about, and, after a few
lucky guesses, people were more
than willing to accept anything
he ever said.

Although Holmes admits a

: liking for early mystery novels

: like Edgar Allan Poe’s The

: Murders In The Rue Morgue and
> Wilkie Collins’ The Moonstone,
: he claims to have never studied
: the science of deduction,

: let alone pioneered it. “That

: distinction goes to Hercule

: Poirot; Agatha Christie was a

: truly brilliant author.”

When informed that the

: likelihood of successfully

: guessing his way through 56

: criminal investigations equalled
: roughly 950,000 to 1 against,

: Holmes merely shrugged. “I

: guess you don’t actually need

: to be smart, as long as you're

: lucky. I never intended for

: things to go so far,” he said,

: lighting up his pipe. “I was

: never a fan of Watson’s literary
: embellishments, but the harder
: I tried to get things wrong, the
: easier the answers came. He

: begged me not to write this

: book, but I just had to come

: clean.”

Since learning the truth

: behind the “greatest detective

This issue:

(¥ Without a clue

(¥ Pornographic website consents to a little foreplay

(Y Tragedy strikes hospital

And more!

 

ee Ot a sd

: to ever live,” many private
: investigator agencies and police
: detectives worldwide have
: taken to the simple, yet elegant
: format of literally just guessing

: everything. So far, the results
: are inconclusive as to how that is :
: panning out for them.

In the closing chapters
: of Educated Guess, Holmes

  

Illustration by Ed Appleby

: revealed that he and Dr. John

Watson have been romantically

: involved for quite some time.
: Nota single fan of BBC’s
: Sherlock was surprised.

 

Formerly driven new student now
far, far behind the curve

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

ormer wide-eyed idealist

Caleb Jones was reported
last Thursday as finally being
totally broken by the system.
The months of excitement
and genuine passion he had in
preparing for his first semester
of college had been destroyed.

While he spent the summer and :

the beginning of September
being enthusiastic and eager in
his upcoming studies, it seems
a mere three weeks of exposure
to the system left him broken,
bitter, and systematically
opposed to education.

“I’m already a month
behind on homework three
weeks into the semester, and
they’ve placed me on academic
probation!” Caleb explained.
Questioned on how this was
even possible, he replied: “I
don’t know! Apparently they

: actually expect you to read over
: the material and come to class

: ready to discuss what we had

: learned? What kind of a zoo is

: this? I thought I left all of this

: behind in high school!”

Although stress is quite

: common in September

: (particularly to new students),

: Caleb’s case seems extremely

: out of the ordinary. We

: discussed with his guidance

: counselor the reasons for his

: comically inept academic status
: and disillusionment, breaking

: several confidence and privacy
: laws in the process.

“It seems Caleb spent the

: entire summer preparing for

: college by watching things like

: Animal House, Revenge of the

: Nerds, and that episode of The

: Simpsons where Homer has to

: go back to college,” counsellor

: Cindy Creed explained. “Instead
: of doing productive things

: like attending new student

: orientation and reviewing his

: class schedule, he stocked up on
: togas, beer, and information on

  

: how to outsmart the dean.”

Cindy went on to explain

: how the suggestions she gave
: him to improve himself went
: unheeded. “After I suggested
: he get involved in some

: campus groups, he was very

: disappointed to find not a single :
: fraternity or sorority among the :
: and general goofing off were
: encouraged, all of which he

: could do while receiving a

: prestigious diploma in four

: years. He looks forward to

: starting his “studies” at UBC.

Douglas ranks. Encouraging

: him to be passionate about his
: studies didn’t help, either. It

: turns out he had no idea what

: his class schedule was, and had
: just been attending whichever

Image via Thinkstock

: class had the most ‘hot girls’

: in it each day. He’s certainly

: learning about a lot of different
: subjects, but it definitely

: explains his 0.0 GPA and lack of
: any student records.”

As it turns out, Caleb was

: not even actually registered

: in the system—he neglected

: to submit any tuition or

: registration over the summer,
: instead using the time to

: marathon the Van Wilder

: movies. While he had managed
: to blend in for the first few

: weeks, security was forced to

: remove him on Thursday after
: he set off a bra cannon in the

: concourse while dressed ina

: toga, leading to this interview.

At press time, it was

reported that Caleb had been

newly enrolled in a school where
excessive drinking, bra cannons,