Pea no

 

 

 

 

Darren Paterson, Sports Editor

Finally. You know, I came up with the idea for this
article around two months ago and yet, since it’s
conception, I have never been able to write the ver-
sion that gave me my inspiration. It seemed like just
when I was about to write it, something really crap-
py that needed to be pointed at happened. Like the
Canadian Olympic crap, or the crap about Tiger
Woods being a loser. But now that I found out Pm
pregnant, I really need to blow off some steam by
‘taking a moment to trash baseball.

Man I hate this sport. And I don’t really mind
saying that I hate the whole sport. I mean, I apolo-
gize to the DC athletes that love it, but I can’t stand
this freaking game. And this isn’t a totally unfound-

ed position. I played baseball when I was young, and
I think I might’ve even liked it, but when I think
back on my baseball playing days I can only recall
one or two good memories. The rest are all memo-
ties of standing in the outfield and doing nothing
because all the kids were too weak to hit that far, or
fearfully getting changed in the car, or sitting in a
muddy dugout while being hammered by rain, or
receiving my only compliment from a coach for
throwing my batting helmet to the ground after a
base-running error. He said, “way to show some
emotion out there.” Which is sort of ironic because
his positive reinforcement probably had some effect
on my ability to “show some emotion” in my hatred
of baseball.

But I don’t just hate playing baseball. I hate
watching it too. It has got to be the most boring
sport ever. (Please excuse my valley girl accent, but
I’m venting.) At least soccer has continuous action,
where “something” is always happening. And at
least with golf they can switch cameras to a player
that’s taking a shot. But with baseball all they can do
is sit and make small talk while the pitcher takes a
few hours to set up his next pitch. I don’t know
about you. But I really just don’t see how that’s
worth five hours of my time. Especially when the
only outcome is rarely more than a homerun or an
out. And I do mean “only” a homerun. With all the
dope fiends in the Major Leagues a homerun isn’t
an event anymore. Nobody cates when someone
hits a homerun because everyone can do it! Even
the highlights of baseball are boring! Because it’s

just homerun after homerun, with the occasional
Roger Clemens strikeout thrown in for good meas-
ure.

Which brings me to my “when I was your age”
speech...when I was young my baseball hero was
Ken Griffey Jr. And please keep in mind that this
was before he became a money-grubbing bastard

and moved to Cincinnati. (By the way, I hate base-

ball salaries too, but that topic could fill a five-page
spread, so we'll leave it be for now.) But whom do
children have to idolize now? Drug addicts, that’s
who. Players like Barry Bonds, who denies that he
uses steroids and yet had his career year at the age
of 37. Which, I would like to point out, is a full five
yeats past the average physical peak for a human.
Although, what do I know? Maybe he is a superhu-
man. Maybe these players with the physiques of
body-builders and the brains of gnats are really just
genetically superior to everybody else.

In any case, my point is this: baseball is a boring
sport, which is quite clearly completely American. It
promotes greed, cheating, and a do-anything-to-win
attitude that seems to exemplify American culture.
And, as such, it is not worth the billions of dollars
that it playfully bathes itself in. Once again, my
apologies to those of you Americans who don’t fit
this bill, but I’m pregnant and angry. And if you
want to get back at me, feel free to write a response
to this piece and we'll publish it in our next paper.
But until then, baseball sucks, and therefore repre-
sents the down side of sports.

 

 

Lockout! Week 1!

Well, they’ve hunkered down, they’ve stocked the

rations, and the players and owners of the NHL
have prepared themselves for a nice long \ vacation.
A vacation from us, I assume. Because we, the fans,
seemed to be the only people really getting screwed
over here. But as we wait, I'll try my best to keep
both of you (my readers) informed as to ‘what “
hockey guys are up to.

 

We'll start with a quick Conncks Gee: The :

office staff, including the coaches and such, has
gone to a four-day workweek and all staff (yes, all
staff) has taken a 20 percent pay cut. With regards
to the players, Naslund came home after deciding
against dealing with the monetary problems posed
by playing in Sweden. But the Sedins did go to
Modo Dini even oa the first star in his first

    
 

Vert Forsberg who

 

fe | ObNERPPeSS

Lockout Corner

Darren Paterson, Sports Editor

    

 

ie 6 a the = These

 

i, players alone make a formidable line-up, but
with the addition of Niklas Sundstrom and Pierre

Hedin, this team is the new Swedish powerhouse.
These players headline a group of over 150
NHL’ets who have flown to Europe to play. Also
playing in Europe are players like Jaromir Jagr,
Milan Hejduk, Ilya Kovalchuk, Pavel Datsyuk,

Henrik Zetterberg, Joe Thornton, Rick Nash and
Mikka Kiprusoff, to name a few. The strongest con-

tingent of NHL players is in the Czech league,
which now boasts 47 of ’em. I suppose we can con-
sider this a positive, in that at least we're now
promoting the development of our sport overseas,
since it’s guaranteed that many more European chil-
dren will be going to the games now that there’s
actually something to see at the rink.

Other people who see the lockout as a positive

are junior hockey teams who have seen increased

ticket sales already thanks to us poor fans that

 

   

   

absolutely have to get a hockey fix. A fix which « :
also be satisfied with a quick injection of low inten-
sity all-star like hockey in the Original Stars Hockey
League. Where the goals ate fast and plentiful and
the hits and defense are non-existent. This is where
most of the Canadian players have chosen to play in
order to maintain some kind of conditioning.

So there you have it. The players are watching
paint dry in an attempt to keep busy and the own-
ers are bathing each other in money...well, that’s
unfair. I’m sure the millionaire players are bathing
each other in money too. And the final good news
is that the BC Lions are finally selling out again as
they have become our last bastion of semi-pro
sports entertainment. So for now, I’ll say goodbye as
I cheer on the Leos and bathe myself in the plenti-
ful amounts of money that I receive for editing this
section of the OP.

SEPuEMbEP § 29/2001