issue 15 // volume 43 humour // no. 23

College majors as sex moves

> Drawing inspiration from your course schedule

Jessica Berget
Staff Writer

 

nglish: “The Shakespearean”

To bone or not to bone; that is the
question. Some might consider this
position to be the most boring out of all
the sexual positions, but those who say
that have never tried whispering sweet
erotic similes into their lover’s ear while
doing the dirty before. The Shakespearean
is the most romantic move of them all. In
no other position are you able to embrace
your lover, look them deep in the eye
sockets and recite sensual soliloquies
mid-coitus. Old English playwrights don’t
satisfy your sexual literary needs? Try
some sexy free verse poetry (they don't call
him e.e. cummings for nothing). Orgasms
will only be accepted in MLA format.

Math: “The Hypotenuse”

With this position you and your partner
aren't the only ones that have to be turned
on—a functioning calculator is an integral
part of this sex move. Let your partner
know youre in the mood by typing
“80085” into the calculator and your
night of seductive mathematical fun has
begun. This move is perfect for those who
are into role-playing. Before diving onto
that arithmedick or arithmeclit, decide
with your partner who will be the longest
side of the triangle and decide ona safe

word (“Pythagoras’” is a popular one for
this move). We recommend stretching
beforehand as both you and your sexual
acquaintance will have to position your
bodies into go degree angles for long
durations of time.

  

Image via thinkstock

Political Science:
“The Filibuster”

Before you hold a caucus in the bedroom,
get those groin juices flowing with a good
long speech. Foreplay just isn’t foreplay

without at least 8 hours of straight
talking about anything other than the
topic of sex. When your partner has
moved on and doesn’t want to have hot,
scandalous, political sex anymore, you
will know you have done this move right.

Psychology: “Pavlov’s
Doggystyle”

Arouse your honey’s unconditioned
stimulus by ringing a bell when you

wish to fornicate. Keep this up until your
partner becomes incredibly horny anytime
they hear the ring of a bell and you are
ready to perform this move. Spice things
up with some psychoanalytic dirty talking
by calling your partner “daddy,” after
which your partner will erotically explain
to you that calling them “daddy” is a way
of coping with the fact that you never had
a father figure growing up, which is the
reason for your abandonment issues. Hot
and informative! The way sex should be.

Biology: “The Lab Experiment”
The mitochondria may be the powerhouse
of the cell, but you're going to be the
powerhouse of the bed after mastering
this scientific sex move. Ask your “lab
partner” to help get your equipment ready,
be sure to wear your personal protective
equipment, and ’get ready to learn about
the reproductive system first hand!

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll have broken up

> A nearly 70-year polyamorous relationship has come to an end

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

op culture fans around the globe
were heartbroken to hear that

the famous trio-Sex, Drugs, and
Rock rn’ Roll-have officially ended
their three-way relationship.

“T know this is going to be hard
for many to hear,” said Rock n’ Roll
in a statement on Monday night. “So
many people have been invested in
our love life, writing songs, stories,
fanfiction... The support over the
years has been overwhelming, but
ultimately it wasn’t enough to keep the
fire going when the love was gone.”

Many have speculated on the
longevity of the triad’s relationship over
the past few years, as they've made fewer
and fewer public appearances together.
Conflicts within the group have been
well publicized, especially between
Drugs and the other two members.

“Please, everyone’s love affair with
Drugs had almost completely fizzled
out by the mid-nineties,” said Sex, in
a candid phone interview with the
Other Press. “I mean sure, Drugs is still
popular or whatever, but we all know
they’re the bottom of the barrel. They’re
emotionally and physically abusive,
never honest, and, quite frankly, terrible
in bed. Rock n’ Roll and I were so over
them decades ago, but you know, when
you're in a committed relationship for so
long, it’s hard to think about leaving.”

“T honestly thought I needed Drugs...

I think we both did, Sex and I,” said
Rock r’ Roll in their Monday missive.
“The relationship was so intense at first,
like-we all worked so great together, you
know? But eventually Drugs just got to
be way too much, and I think it really
hurt my relationship with Sex overall.”

“Rock rv Roll? Yeah, they’re okay,”
said Sex. “I mean, I don’t know, they can
be pretty loud and obnoxious, and they’ve
gone through some pretty interesting
phases. They were really daring and
adventurous when I first met them, but
they've been trying to reinvent themselves
every few years and it just gets really tiring
to keep up with. I go to bed one night with
‘Grunge Rock, wake up with ‘Punk Rock,
then that night I’m out with ‘Alternative
Rock, whatever that means. I need a
little more consistency in my life, you
know? I don’t want to limit myself, but
I'd like to settle down a little bit. I guess
I just miss that ol’ fashion Rock n’ Roll.”

Fans have taken to social media
to express their grief over the split.

“T told my parents I couldn't be a choir
boy because I was in love with Sex, Drugs,
and Rock n’ Roll,” tweeted one distraught
groupie. “I based my life around them.
I’ve never felt more betrayed.”

“T blame millennials,” said an
anonymous Facebook commenter.

“I don't know why, but I feel like
it’s probably their fault.”

The Other Press tried to contact
Drugs for acomment, but it’s been
reported that they are currently on
“one hell of a bender” and won't be
available to talk anytime soon.

 

Image via thinkstock