SkyTrain breaks

free from rail

> Returns to free-range life and family

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

undreds of Vancouver residents

have gone missing after an Expo
Line SkyTrain jumped its line and
escaped back to the wild last Monday.
According to local reports at 8:45 a.m.,
a Monday morning the SkyTrain car
was en route to Waterfront station
when it broke free from the rails, right
after exiting Edmonds Station.

“Yeah, this kind of stuff happens
from time to time,” says Sanda
Balden, TransLink spokesperson.

“We always try to buy SkyTrains
that are ‘broken in, but no process
is perfect. Rogue SkyTrains have and
always will exist. Unfortunately, we
only spot them when it’s too late.”

The rogue SkyTrain, nicknamed
“Black Stallion” by TransLink employees,
nearly missed several vehicles on the
road while speeding towards Grouse
Mountain, which houses the largest
wild SkyTrain sanctuary in BC. “Black

Stallion” was later seen returning to its
young, which are one car length until
they molt and grow the rest of their
cars at the age of six. Unfortunately, the
people on “Black Stallion” will not be
returning to their families, as they have
already been digested by the rogue train.
“We make sure people don't fall
asleep on the train for exactly this
reason,” explains Balden. “If you stay
in there too long you'll be digested.
SkyTrains are animals like any other. If
you look at the back of your Compass
Card, or on our website, it clearly states
that you waive all rights to not being
digested when riding, and that the
SkyTrains may try to escape from the
rails or eat you. It’s not something that
happens often, but it can happen.”
Surprisingly, there has been
no public outcry; instead, the locals
are excited that this tragedy has
created hundreds of new job openings
and more housing options.
“Nature is cruel, but it’s a
part of life,” says Jane Victor, local

Tired of your average
online dating app?

> Try Goodreads

Katie Czenczek
Staff Writer

 

hink the endless swiping is getting
you nowhere? That no matter how

many times you super like a girl’s photo
on Tinder, you still aren’t getting the
nu..] mean, responses, youre looking
for? Want to show that youre cultured
or whatever? Well, then look no further
than the Goodreads app, available on
both Android and Apple products.

The app lets you make group
discussions, send direct messages,
and show off a personal bookshelf
that’s sure to lead you to that special
someone. If you mark Russian literature
and the Romantic poets as some of
your favourite works you'll have direct
messages filling your inbox in no time.

As the old saying goes, “Nothing
is sexier than someone who knows
how to read,” and nothing screams
“T read” more than having an app on
your phone all about books. It even
works in the real world. Just whip
out your phone, casually open the
app, and the honey you've trying to
impress will be yours in no time.

Not only that, but people love
it when you hit on them on a non-
dating app—it has all of the fun shock
value of getting cat-called at work or
in an empty parking lot at night!

In case you think this is nothing

more than a scam, here are some of
the people who have found success
finding dates on GoodReads, and
are totally not paid actors.

Martin Fiennes, 23, uses Call Me
by Your Name and Lolita to justify his
relationships with high school girls,
and told the Other Press abouthow
using Goodreads to meet singles
has made dating so much easier.

“This has completely changed
the game for me, dating-wise,” said
Fiennes. “Just a quick look over
someone’s profile and boom! You
know if your interests match up.”

Fiennes then went on to talk
about some of the things he wished
the website could improve on.

“T wish they’d let me join group
discussions from classrooms,” he
said. “I just miss high school, man.”

Randall Briggs, 20, who is tired of
terrible dates, stated that Goodreads
has solved all of his dating woes.

“On Tinder, I would never get a
single match,” he said. “With Goodreads,
the extra spot in my bed is always filled.
Chicks just love a guy who reads.”

When asked for advice to
anyone wanting to try out the app for
themselves, Briggs said, “The most
important thing to do is, once you find
a girl youre interested in, make sure to
mark that you've read every single book
she’s given five stars to. That way she'll
for sure know that you have something

(¥ Locals satisfied with logical explanation for

city’s poor housing solutions

(¥ Entertainment page!
(¥ Comics!

And more!

SkyTrain commuter. “I’m hoping
one of people who died lived in an
apartment I’m on the waitlist for.”
Although no one outside the train
was hurt by this incident, TransLink has
promised to up its game, as getting new
and improved SkyTrains has been part
of the company’s discussion for months.

   
  

in common. Just make sure
you read the summary
on SparkNotes before
you go on the date.”
Lisa Thompson,
32, has become a
Goodreads convert
after discovering how
easy it was for her to
find a nice, single,
Christian man in the
book discussions.
“T have one
thing and one
thing only to say
about Goodreads:
It kicks Christian
Mingle’s ass.”
Despite saying
that she'd only say
one thing, she went on
to elaborate about how
much better the app is.
“T used to get men
who'd claim that they're
completely fine with waiting
until marriage, but then
they’d show up at my house
and try to convince me that
the ‘backdoor’ option is fine in
God’s eyes. This all changed
after using Goodreads. I joined
a Christian book club and
met Thomas. I’ve bought all of
the books he’s written, and he
promises we'll go on a date soon.”

 

They hope to bring in better trained,
more obedient SkyTrains next year; a
task that TransLink is confident about.
“The SkyTrains that are coming
out now are born in captivity,” said
Balden. “They'll be easier to handle
and easier to train. Get it? ‘Train?’”
(The Other Press did, in fact, get it.)

Illustration by Cara Seccafien