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ae voice on eet at

falls into deep depression

> Intelligent pete to feel sadness, not Fee enough ite} ct for help

-

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

Aci to sources, the female voice

that is heard in every TransLink

bus has hit a streak of deep depression.

Over the past month, the transit voice

program used to announce transit

stops has been heard sighing deeply

and forlornly. Locals commuters have

also reported hearing the voice loudly

asking, “What’s the point?” during the

morning and evening rush-hour periods.
According to TransLink

spokesperson, Janet Alden, this is

the first time she has seen the voice

program in this state for this long.
“We're really growing concerned,”

said Alden. “Sometimes she feels

sad for a couple days, but this mood

has lasted for over a month. It’s the

longest period of depression we've seen

since her creation back in 2008.”

Along with her deep sighing and
loud existential questions, the TransLink
robotic voice has stopped telling
passengers to move to the back of the bus
or even to take off their backpacks. She
has also refused to remind passengers
that they are entering a paid fare zone.

“Tm very frustrated,” TransLink
bus driver, Ryan Hapner, told the Other
Press. “I know no one listens to me
when I get the voice to say, ‘Remove your
backpack,’ but I like having the option
to push the button and try, ya know?”

According to Alden, the TransLink
staff have tried several different
ways to relieve the TransLink robot
voice of its depression: Rebooting
it, implementing software updates,
RoboChocolate™, long drives on the
beach, and dressing up buses in funny
hats. Unfortunately, nothing has worked.

“We've tried everything except

asking it how it feels, or why it’s
feeling the way it does,” said Alden.
“But I’m not about to do that; robots
are spooky and I’m not about to talk
to it or listen to what it has to say.”

On top of trying to solve this
issue, TransLink has been tasked
with responding to the new flood of
TransLink complaints about the issue,
which have been sent by passengers
through email, Twitter, and the new
messaging system Brick-In-Window™.

“I can’t believe I have to hear
another sigh on the bus along with
suffering sudden stops and slightly
touching the person beside me,”
one anonymous comment said in a
TransLink phone message. “Hearing
another person’s sadness isn’t something
I have time for.” Another message
merely consisted of deep sobbing.

According to Alden, these messages
have maxed out at over 400 per day.

Drunken confession video from
Pringles CEO goes viral

> Pringles CEO upset customers are able to stop after they pop

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

was publicly shamed on
witter last night after posting a
one-minute video admitting to
participating in illegal activity.

The short video showed Bryan in his
12-bedroom home, tearfully admitting to
the camera that, over the past two years,
he has been buying customer data illegally
from underground sources, along with
paying people to hack into over a million
computers, webcams, and smartphone
cameras. The video quickly went viral.

In just two hours it gained over 300,000
views, 5,000 YouTube reaction videos,
and 2,000 YouTube reaction videos about
the other YouTube reaction videos. He
also confessed that he hired 100 unpaid
interns to complete the task of hacking
in order to discover who was purchasing
Pringles, and to “see if they ‘stopped after
they popped, you know, like our slogan.”

J; Bryan, the CEO of Pringles,

“T told the interns that it was for
exposure—but not their exposure, the
customet’s,” he said in the video. “To
expose them, you know. Get it?”

To Bryan’s dismay, the data showed
that over three quarters of customers were
able to stop eating the Pringles before
consuming the entire package, regardless
of what flavour they had purchased.

“Tam so disappointed to see that
people could stop eating before they
finished the entire tube,” said Bryan in
the video. “I mean, our slogan is ‘Once
you pop you just can’t stop. That’s not
advertising, that’s an order. I gave the
public implicit instructions, and those
orders were blatantly disobeyed.”

“T can't believe Joe would disrespect
potatoes like that,” said Ryan Colger, local
potato farmer. “Potatoes are God’s gift to
the world, and not to be manipulated.”

When Colger was asked if he
knew about GMO’s or McDonald's,
he threw potatoes at our reporter and
asked them to leave the premises.

Media experts have deduced that

Bryan was, in fact, intoxicated while

filming the video, and have stated as

proof Bryan's statement during the video,

“I’m totally pretty drunk right now.”

Despite the controversy that his video has

stirred, Bryan is sticking by his actions.
“What we did, we did for the

” : : .
customer,’ said Bryan in a response video

 

TransLink has suggested that this
is due to the fact that most of those
complaining live privileged lives and
have nothing else to complain about.
“Td like to say that I’m concerned,
but I’m really not,” says local commuter
(and complainer), Jackson Erik. “My
commute to work is over an hour
both ways; I don’t have the energy
to worry about a depressed AI.
We're all depressed, sweetie. Your
work is boring? No one’s listening to
you? Welcome to planet Earth.”
“We just hope it pulls out of
its depression soon,” said Alden. “...
Without us actually listening to it or
having to address its needs, ] mean.”
The TransLink voice declined to be
interviewed and has announced that
it’s going to up its alcohol consumption,
stop participating in social activities,
and slowly give away its things.

 

posted this morning. “I don’t know why
all of my followers and customers freaked
out at me. Take a chill pill, everyone. You
know what's really relaxing? Eating an
entire tube of pizza-flavoured Pringles.
Gets me to calm down every time.”

Photo by Analyn Cuarto

Photo by Analyn Cuarto