Those Useless Democrats By J.J. McCullough 1 this wonderful quote by James Baker, the former US Secretary of State, that succinctly summarizes official American opinion on_ the ongoing wars between the Serbians and Albanians. Asked for an opinion in the early 1990s, Baker declared with proud indifference that “we don’t have a dog in that fight,” implying that the United States could really care less about which virtually identical Balkan sub-group emerged victorious in their pointless conflict over nothing. As a conservative, I similarly feel like I have no real dog in the fight over the Democratic presidential nomination, since regardless of who wins I want them to lose, and be promptly ignored and forgotten. But after my Republican article a couple weeks ago, some people have asked me to write about the Democrats too, in the interest of fairness, so here I go. The main thing the Democratic race has going for it is the obvious fact that their nominee will either be a black man or a woman, and thus some sort of default “first” for the United States. It’s most unfortunate, however, that neither candidate has much else going for them beyond being an affirmative- action pity case. Both Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton have pathetically thin resumes, with neither having achieved a great deal of anything in their short and unspectacular political careers. Lacking any sort of legislative victories, their only real achievements to date have been the careful cultivation of attractive sympathy biographies; he as the bi-racial, hard-knock-life rags- to-riches walking success story, she as the plucky do-gooder able to overcome all of life’s worst roadblocks, be it a vast right-wing conspiracy, a shrewish adulteress, or a callous husband. The stories are inspiring, I guess, and maybe America does “need” a black or a woman as their head of state in some amorphous, symbolic sense. But the country certainly does not this black or this woman to run the country at this vital time. Sometimes I wish the United States had a Governor-General or some other figurehead office where they could stick silly feel-good minority figures in order to appease pangs of national guilt, while still leaving the position of head of government open to someone actually qualified to do the job. The Democratic race is particularly sad because it didn’t have to come down to this vapid image contest. The party had a perfectly skilled and experienced candidate in the form of William B. Richardson, the endlessly talented former diplomat, cabinet minister, congressman, and ambassador, now currently serving as the Democratic Governor of New Mexico. With the country at war and the world in turmoil, it is hard to imagine a righter man at a righter time. But Richardson, a calm and pragmatic administrator, was evidently not weepy or yelly enough to appease the angry liberal masses who now control his party and demand such things from their candidate. Quickly steamrolled by the polls, the governor was forced to quietly withdrawal. It will hopefully go down as one of the greatest shames in Democratic history. With him gone we’ ll now either get a not-even-one-term senator as the nominee, or a woman whose primary pledge of executive “experience” comes from the fact that she’s slept with a former president (and we now know she didn’t even do that very much). With the possible exception of Mike Hucakbee, every Republican candidate is leaps and bounds more qualified to run the most important and complicated country in the world, and I’m confident American voters will eventually realize this. Say what you want about the substance of their ideas, the GOP front- runners are at least motivated by strong ideological principles and a set of clear policy objectives. Barrack Obama, by contrast, seems to be motivated mostly by the sound of his own voice, and Hillary doesn’t appear to be motivated by anything at all, aside than the fact that she really really wants to be president for some reason. In the closed confines of a Democrat-versus-Democrat race, the emptiness of the candidates can be happily ignored, but the second you inject a John McCain or Mitt Romney into the equation it quickly becomes apparent just how vastly polarized the two parties are in regards to what constitutes a competent president. If a Democrat is elected this November, it will be a resounding victory of style over substance, and a depressing commentary on the state of American democracy. I strongly doubt it will happen. January 28, 2008 _ dentist. feuturiag Dr. Stephen Sex & Dr. Marilyn Fairchild Bigger Bumps Dear Dr. Sex, ; Recently, I was getting it on with some chick I picked up at McDonald’s. While I was pounding her Happy Meal, I felt a weird sensation under my condomed cock. I pulled out and ripped off the rubber, which revealed a horrible rash all over my wang. Did I somehow order STDs with my shake, or is something else on the menu here? — Quarter Pounder Dr. Sex: Well, QP, sometimes you can just pick up a ho so dirty that her hastiness eats right through any protection you throw at her. Dr. Fairchild: NOT true, Dr. Sex! Don’t joke like that to our readers. QP, there are a number of things that could cause such a reaction on your penis. Dr. Sex: Yes, like that Number 5 Fish Fillet sandwich you bought with special herpes sauce. Dr. Fairchild: It is highly unlikely the partner you were with when the rash occurred was the cause of it. _ Dr. Sex: Yeah. And maybe your dick just wanted to become bumped for her pleasure. Dr. Fairchild: STDs, such as herpes, are not usually instantly visible. A more likely explanation for your rash would be an allergy to a latex in the condom. Do you usually use condoms? Dr. Sex: Because if you don’t, that would definitely explain your dimply-dick. Dr. Fairchild: Besides condoms, those with latex allergies must be aware of what they come into contact with. _ Dr. Sex: No more latex pants for you, QP. And we are happy for that. Dr. Fairchild: Not so much with clothing, but during trips to the doctor and _ Dr. Sex: Imagine that rash showing up in your asshole after a prostate exam! Dr. Fairchild: If a latex allergy is to blame, then there are alternate ways to remain safe during sexual intercourse, including synthetic rubber and natural membrane condoms. Dr. Sex: Strap on some lamb and give her another go! Dr. Fairchild: Regardless of what we have said, you MUST go to your family doctor and get examined. Tell him about the possible allergies, and your past sexual history—and be HONEST, because lying to your doctor doesn’t help anyone. Email your questions to drsexysex@yahoo.ca or check out the official Dr. Sex blog at sexysexwithdrsex.blogspot.com.