The “Other” News

“Salty” Liam Britten
saltyliam@ gmail.com

 

 

RCMP Determine
Tasered Man’s
Cause of Death
to be “Excessive

Polishness”

“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten

resident all-star

   
    

RICHMOND, BC—Atapressconference
held today by the RCMP regarding the
police incidentat Vancouver International
Airport that resulted in the death of
a Polish immigrant, the Richmond
RCMP claimed that
the cause of death of
Robert Dziekanski was
“excessive Polishness.”

“Who the hell

The finding are the result of an
internal investigation resulting in a
report entitled “Prompt Hush-Up #71-
C: What Happened to that Polak We
Fried”, assembled after an
inquiry of the Mounties’ conduct
during the apprehension. While the
report cited no faults with the course of
action that lead to Dziekanski’s tasering
and subsequent death, it did say that
several questions remained unanswered;
questions like, “How many Poles does it
take to screw in a light bulb?” and “Why
did ‘the Pole go to the proctologist?”

Reporters, however,
had questions about
why the RCMP made

no attempt to get a

“The RCMP is aware even knows translator to speak with

of the public’s desire for the agitated Dziekanski,
answers regarding this what lan g uUag @ and why police felt

case. We here at the
RCMP are confident
that the reason for the
death of the suspect
in question is not due
to being repeatedly tasered as initially
suspected, but instead because he was
just too damn Polish,” said Sgt. Pierre
Lemaitre of the Richmond detachment.

“I mean, come on, he wasall like, ‘oogle
shmoogle, gibsky gabsky’, and seriously,
what does that even mean? Maybe if his
mouth wasn’t so damn full of perogies,
he’d be able to say something right,”
Lemaitre explained to assembled reports.

 

they speak in
Poland?”.

it necessary to taser
the subdued man at
least two times after
was handcuffed.
“Look, how
were we to know what language this
guy was speaking? I thought it was
Klingon at first,” Lemaitre said. “And
I mean, who the hell even knows what
language they speak in Poland? Is it
French or something? We’re cops,
not super genius guys or whatever.”
Reporters had no qualms about
Lemaitre’s last claim.

An RCMP officer demonstrates the use

of a taser gun, a device which played
no role in the death of Mr. Dziekanski

internal |

 

 

York Hitman

Experiments
in Postmodern
Trademark at

Crime Scene

By “Salty” Liam Britten

NEW YORK, NY—The New York
Police Department is currently baffled by
a crime scene in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene
neighbourhood that has left purported
Mafia boss Anthony Persico dead. They
are treating the murder as a targeted hit,
but are completely in the dark about who
the killer is, and more importantly, the
symbolism of the way the corpse was
left facing the wall in a child’s chair.
“We’re used to mob hitmen leaving

a trademark at the scene of their hits;
perhaps a playing card on the corpse, or
a silver crucifix,” said Anthony J. Izzo,
head of the NYPD’s organized crime
unit. “But this case is something bizarre.
I mean, why did he put every lamp
upside down? And why has a portrait
of Ronald Reagan been left hanging
above the body? What does it all mean?”
Forensic tests as of yet have

proven inconclusive, but other experts
are working on the case, such as
Philippe de Montebello, Director of

the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
“The way the perpetrator has hung
the Reagan portrait, and the fact that all
clocks in the apartment have been set
to either 9 AM or 5 PM indicates to me
that this contract killer has a great deal
of malaise about living in a postmodern
world. He is most likely left-leaning
in his politics, and has something very
important to say about American foreign
policy in Latin America,” de Montebello
told The Other Press. “Judging from
his use of found objects, and the loose
collage-esque feel of this work, I would
have to say that Braque, Dubuffet,
Marcel Duchamp and other 20" century
artists of the Assemblage movement have
had a strong influence on this piece.”

While no suspects have been named,
police are saying that once convicted, the
perpetrator could face a charge of first-
degree murder, and could receive a grant
from the Museum of Modern Art.