You re worth tt... and more > A survivor's testimonial Ritu Guglani Contributor L?* month, I was surprised to see my mom wearing my 20-year-old sweater. She told me it was the one I had vomited on after gulping down an insecticide bottle to kill myself at the age of 23. After passing out, I had thrown up incessantly, and expelled large quantities of the poison, reaching the hospital barely alive in the arms of my shocked parents. Mom had knitted the teal sweater for me, and I had patched a red teddy bear on one sleeve to stamp it as mine and save it from my sister. Mom told me she had washed it with tears (and detergent too, I hope), and she wears it in gratitude. At 23, I had a major crush on my classmate Paul. Paul was handsome and nothing I did was impressing him. Preparing for my final undergraduate exam, I sat there thinking about him all night. Thoughts of Paul distracted me so much that | could not study for the important exam the next morning. As I sat with my textbook and class-notes, failure was staring me in my face. Then the insecticide bottle stared at me as well. Three days in the ICU and multiple antidotes flushed the The following warning signs may point to your loved one being suicidal: * Low self-esteem * Sense of hopelessness for the future * Loneliness and isolation * Aggressiveness and irritability * Access to lethal means like guns and lethal drugs * Feeling likea burden to others * Mood and behaviour changes * Frequent mention of death + Self-harm behaviours like cutting + Planning for their own funeral * Donating their prized possessions * Substance abuse + Threats of suicide insecticide out of my system. I woke up in the ICU, tubes going in and out of me. I was too drugged to stay awake for anything, and I asked my dad if the exam was over—it was. Sometime in those three days, the psychiatrist visited me and asked questions. My allies supported me in the days and weeks that followed, with everything they could. A very real fight against Mr. Depression started once I had gotten out of the ICU. I won’ tell you it was easy. It was an uphill battle. My allies in this battle were my psychiatrist, counsellor, and my mom and dad. My most important ally was myself. There were days when I almost gave up my fight to defeat my depression. Of course, there were times when nothing seemed to work, but then there were days of sunshine and delight. Gradually, the sunny days increased in number. Fast forward 20 years —I have lived a time-tapestry of successful romances and heartbreaks, good jobs, bad jobs, pregnancies, miscarriages, marriage, divorce, dreamy vacations in the sun, and mundane household chores. lama proud mom of two handsome teenagers. Vomiting out on that sweater saved my life 20 years ago. Each day of this wonderful life has Have an idea for a story? Mlifeandstyle@theotherpress.ca (Y Great food, kinda rude And more! been worth living, because I know I’m valued by friends and family. None of this would have happened if I had succeeded in the attempt on my own life. Paul was not worth it, and neither was the undergraduate degree that became the catalyst to my suicide attempt. In Canada, Approximately u people will die by suicide each day according to the Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in Canada. If you or your loved one is fighting depression or anxiety, or feeling suicidal, help is just a phone call away. Call the Fraser Health Crisis Line at 604-951-8855 or 1-800 SUICIDE anonymously. Professionally trained volunteers respond at the other end, and they are available 24/7. The compassionate voice at the other end will walk with you through your emotional crisis, and give you valuable community resources for the days and weeks that follow. Depression is not your fault. Twenty years ago, I was shy and felt stigmatized because | was depressed. You don’t have to feel ashamed of depression or any other mental health condition. Show strength and pick up your phone to seek help from friends, family, and professionals, because you are worth it. Adam Tatelman Arts Editor 1 R2? Waldo Emerson once said that “The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.” While that’s a very monk-like idea to aspire to, most people will need to work at rewarding themselves for good behaviour before a feeling of accomplishment is all they need to motivate them towards success. One of the most important things to do when trying to make a new habit is to give yourself a reward when you succeed in doing it, and withhold the reward when you do not. That way, you will not feel compelled to give up just because you've failed once, since you will still want to work towards the reward. Eventually, the reward is no longer necessary because ou have sublimated the new abit, much like Pavlov’s dogs were trained to anticipate dinner at the sound of a bell. This is known as operant conditioning, and it only succeeds if you are entirely consistent with the rewards. Image via www. pablopicasso.org (¥Y Meet your captain: Antony McCullough ¥ Street legal: Speeding tickets \\ The monastery: the Pavlov principle > Retrain your brains for gains Rewarding yourself regardless of your success or failure will only hinder the building of the new good habit. Furthermore, be sure that the reward is personal to you. Generic rewards like an extra beer ora slice of cake might do for some, but you'll be more likely to stay focused if you personalize your rewards to fit your goals. If your goal is to start eating healthier, reward yourself with a dinner out should you manage your meals correctly. Just make sure that all that work isn’t for nothing. Don’t suffer a week of whole grains and salad only to binge on greasy fast food. Try and keep your ultimate goals in perspective. Most of all, remember to forgive yourself when you fail. All progress happens on a steady grade, so expecting perfection right off the bat is unrealistic. Don’t waste time berating yourselfas punishment—that’s why you withhold the reward. Take it as motivation to do better next time, and do it. Next week: suggestions for those interested in meditation. Tashi deley.