ocience Proves Campbell is 90 Proof

Brandon Ferguson, News Editor

a
local doctor, who wishes to
remain anonymous, has come
forward with stunning docu-
ments exposing Premier Gordon

Campbell’s health condition. According to
the documents, unlike all humans who are
composed of roughly 90 percent water,
Campbell’s makeup consists of 90-proof
vodka.

“I have been a physician in the emer-
gency ward for nearly two decades, and
never have I had reason to suspect such a

4 | www.theotherpress.ca

 

phenomenon,” said the doctor. “It defies
both logic and livers.”

The information came to light after a
minor accident that saw Campbell rushed
to Emergency with a gash on his right
forearm, possibly incurred while slashing
education budgets. According to staff
who worked that night, the initial impulse
was to not treat Campbell at all. However,
something lured the staff over to the pre-
mier’s side.

“He smelled like Caesars,’ recalled

Arnie Marshall, RN. “I haven’t seen the
blood-test results you’re talking about, but
I can tell you that I had an overwhelming
urge to poke the premier with celery that
night.”

“And let me tell you, if I were ever to
poke Gordo with anything, I would have
thought it’d be something a lot sharper
than a celery stick,” he added.

While most of those who attended to
Campbell that night simply shrugged the
incident off as lush-lust, out of curiosity
one medic did take a blood sample.

The information, though shocking,
does explain some of Campbell’s behav-
iour over the last four years: his flippant
treatment of those beneath him, his abili-
ty to tell bald-faced lies convincingly, his
cocksure attitude, his sleeping with the
uni-browed Mrs. Campbell—it all points
to a man bombed.

An inside source from Victoria, who
also wished to go unrecognized, has long
suspected Campbell of such potency,
though he’s never before had proof of his
high proof.

“I remember one time, after a parlia-
ment session had ended, me and Gordon
went out for a few drinks,’ recalled N.
Deepee (name changed to unrecognizable
entity). “Gordon was taking a leak on the
front lawn while I was smoking and...
don’t know how it happened...but the
next thing I knew, he was spewing flames
from his...private-member bill.”

“T chalked it up to being completely
blitzed, but the next day we had to blame
the burned shrubs on student protesters,”
Deepee added.

It is unknown how the public will react
to such a condition, but it could be with
leniency. The blood-test results suggest
that Campbell may have been innocent of
the Hawaii drunk-driving charges, having

lication package 1-888-522

 

 

only blown over because the man is a
walking bottle of Potters. He rarely drives
when in the province, and may have only
been pulled over because of his notori-
ously poor driving skills, as evidenced by
his driving the province into the ground.

Where further questions beg to be
asked is around last year’s drug-ring bust.
What was the Premier’s connection with
the assistant who went down on drug-
trafficking charges, and how intertwined
has his career been with hard drugs? We
have seen many sides of Gordon
Campbell, like the myriad emotions often
displayed by drunks. Before delivering the
animated and upbeat Golden Decade
speech—was he hopped up on coke?
After the DUI, when Campbell not only
shed tears but also the alcoholic trait of
being “emotionally unavailable”—was he
spiraling down a G-hole? The times he
didn’t kick homeless people when off
camera—was he a lovey-dovey E-tard? It
can be assumed he doesn’t smoke weed or
crack due to his high flammability, but
one never knows the depths to which
drunken debauchery will dive.

When asked to comment on the
blood-test results, a tight-lipped press sec-
retary said Campbell was unavailable to
comment on “such an absurd allegation.”

“This is just another rusty-nail NDP
tactic to paralyze the Premier’s career, put
him on a golf cart and send him off into
a tequila sunrise,” said Mike Morton, on
behalf of Campbell. “Premier Campbell
has the screwdriver to fix the economy
and is the tonic for this province.”

What affect this will have on the
upcoming election is unpredictable.
However, you can be certain that
Campbell will neither be held accountable
for it, nor remember it.

Science (BSc)
Business (BBA)
Education (BEd)

journalism (Bjour)

erate
E2380)

Social Work (BSW)
ate eee esi g-¥)

Natural Resource
Yates ei ted)

Applied Computing
Science (BTACS)

March 30/2005