Don t Have Yourself a Kranky Little Christmas

Tyson Kaban, The Gateway (University of Alberta)

 

EDMONTON (CUP)—Watching
Christmas with the Kranks is like wearing a
festive sweater from your grandma: it’s a
novelty only appreciated by the middle-
aged that you can never admit to liking.

Based on John Grisham’s novella
Skipping Christmas, the film stars Tim

Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis as Luther
and Nora Krank, respectively. After
their blindingly attractive daughter Blair
(Julie Gonzalo) runs off to join the
Peace Corps—yes, the Peace Corps—
Luther decides to boycott the merry
season and ditch the family’s decorated
suburban paradise for a cruise in the
Caribbean.

But the Kranks’ crazy neighbours
aren’t impressed. After all, the Kranks
throw the best Christmas Eve party and
have the best decorations on the entire
block. But the Kranks won’t budge on
their decision—that is, until they get a
call from their daughter. The day before
their trip, Blair calls to say she’s coming
home, Peruvian boyfriend in tow, and
expects a full-blown commercial,
American Christmas. Needless to say,
hilarity ensues.

In the hours they have before their
spoiled only-child arrives home, the
hapless Luther and Nora beg their zany
neighbours for help, and somehow, like

in every mediocre family flick, every-
thing works out.

The usually edgy Jamie Lee Curtis
takes on an unexpected role as Nora.
She’s uptight, feels naked without her
festive sweater vests, and can whip up a
fabulous Martha-style Christmas party
with only smoked trout and liquor—just
like any self-respecting soccer mom
should.

With the Santa Clause movies behind
him, it seems like Tim Allen has a
monopoly on the holiday-themed movie
industry. In Christmas with the Kranks, he
doesn’t tread far from the Tim he played
in Home Improvement. He falls from his
roof trying to affix a 12-foot Frosty
and, in true sitcom form; he gets caught
stealing a neighbour’s tinseled-out tree.

But that isn’t the only thing about
the film that’s reminiscent of cheesy sit-
coms. Several D-list celebrities make
appearances: Dan Aykroyd puts the dick
in dictator as Vic Frohmeyer, the fascist
block captain who sics a hoard of carol-

Sa

ers on the Kranks when they refuse to
decorate their lawn. Caroline Rhea is
Nora’s best friend, Cheech Marin tries
for laughs as a bumbling cop, and Eric
Per Sullivan (Malcolm in the Middle)
plays—what else?-—a neighbourhood
brat. Even Laverne and Shirley’s Squiggy,
and Will’s momma from The Fresh Prince
of Bel-Air make cameos to round out
the sitcom-esque roster.

Aside from the rare scene—one in
which Allen poses provocatively in a
neon banana hammock comes to
mind—Christmas with the Kranks serious-
ly lacks in the tee-hee department.

If only the Kranks were as believ-
able as their dysfunctional counterparts,
National Lampoon’s the Griswolds, then it
might be easier to overlook Luther and
Nora’s superficiality and laugh at their
unbelievable plight. Instead, this stan-
dard holiday fare is about as satisfying as
eating a Christmas ham—the kind that’s
canned in its own juices.

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St. Nick Hogg

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Xmas: The X Stands for X-treme

The holiday season is upon us again, and
that means that more games have come
out in the past four days than have come
out all year. So come join me in the oblig-
atory sarcastic remarks in this guide that’s
sure to please any gamer on your
Christmas list.

I’m going to start off with the
portable market, because those damned
portable gamers always seem to have
somewhere to go, so they won't be read-
ing until the end of the article. Yeah, you
know who I’m talking about, you fancy-
pants emo gamers with your hip new
Nintendo Dual-Screen portable system.
Whooooo! It has two screens and an ad
campaign that simply states, “touching is

becember 8/200

good.” That slogan was chosen because
the system has a touch screen, but T’ll let
all of you laugh with me over the sheer
marketing genius. Personally, I suggest
that your money would be better spent on
the good old GBA SP and a couple of
games, instead of a system that takes its
styling cues from a brick, and coincident-
ly weighs almost as much as one.

As for games, we’ve got a few so-
called winners this season; first we should
start off with Pokémon Leaf Green and Fire
Red. I know you're all saying Pokémon is for
kids under 12, but that’s completely off
base. Kids have no attention span and
they get bored easily. So you know that it’s
really the 20-somethings that are support-
ing it.

We also have Final Fantasy Dawn of
Souls, which is FF 7¢>2 on a single car-
tridge. Sure, this came out last year on the
PSOne, but now it’s portable. So if
SquareEnix keeps up this dizzying release
schedule of old games to portable sys-
tems we can expect to see FFI on a
portable system by 2014. Man, I can’t
wait. As well, for those of you who still
think it’s 1986, we have some games for
you with the classic NES series. All your
old favourites are back, like, Ze/da, Metroid,
Castlevania, Mario Bros, and Dr. Mario.
Please note that Mario’s Doctorate is only
an honorary one, and he cannot actually
give medical advice or write prescriptions.

Now that we’ve gotten rid of the
portable people, let’s move on to a less
portable system with the PSTwo. Yes, they

now write out the “Two”

because it’s been
redesigned to be smaller,
cooler, and umm, it still
stands on its side.

If you’. .reads-my
reviews, or even know me,
you can probably guess
the next words coming
out of my mouth. (If you
say San Andreas then you
can just go home now
because you don’t know
me.) Anyway, the correct
answer was Star Ocean Till
the End of Time. | urge any RPG fan to get
out there and buy this game.

Star Ocean Till the End of Time has
enough replay value for me to stop this
list right here and be happy, but since I
can't play Star Ocean while I write, Pll just
give you a couple more options in case it
isn’t your cup of tea. Katamari Damacy is
the only game to have a cow on the cover
that does not involve actual farming.
What this game does involve is basically
rolling around a ball of garbage, and it
gets bigger and bigger as it picks up more
stuff. No, seriously, this isn’t like the time
I told you about the humming-bird based
shooter for the 32X, or that Dreamcast
marvel where you are a sushi-chef-turned-
ninja-assassin. This game is real. I think
it’s meant for people who are on drugs.
It’s one hell of a weitd (but strangely cap-
tivating) game. Since three is a nice

number, I’ll wrap up the PSTwo section

 

with Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. | love
any game with a sense of humour. Sure,

it’s an ultra-serious, spy espionage game
with stealthy violence, but you have to
admire a game where you can make the
enemy guards cry. There is also an Ape-
Escape mode where basically Solid Snake
goes about catching the monkeys from
Ape Escape.

Sure, I’ve missed out on the Ha/os and
the GI-4’s, but what did you expect? This
is my list, it’s not here to please you. What
am I, your personal shopper now?
Although, if anyone did want to get me
anything from the list above for X-treme-
Mas, I'd be happy to accept it as a gift. So,
enjoy your holiday season whether you
spend it catching Pokémon, shooting aliens,
making guards cry, or just pretending to
be a doctor and throwing medication at a
problem.

OUNEPPPESS | 18