i 10 ax Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca ¢ The science of pseudoproductivology ¢ Have you seen my keys? ¢ Top five things to do instead of improving the world ..and more! Ghost of Karl Marx forced to check his privilege > ‘You are all insane; says Marx Klara Woldenga Entertainment Editor ith the help of two motivated millennials, the soul of famous philosopher and social figure Karl Marx rose from the dead last week. “We felt that this terrible capitalistic world needed a new spokesperson,” said Eric Chapman, one of the two responsible for Karl Marx’s return. “Someone who just really gets it, you know?” According to Chapman, him and his partner, Janice Franklin, spent over 30 days attempting to resurrect the famous social figure by praying to their communist shrine filled with bus schedules, library cards, medical cards, and several garden spades. When not praying at their shrine, the two also prayed to Jesus, stating that “Jesus must know him. I assume they party in heaven.” According to Franklin, they were about to give up until Chapman was struck by an idea that would prove successful. “We both just decided to throw in five bucks,” said Chapman. “You know, communism. Sharing and stuff” According to both Chapman and Franklin, Karl Marx’s ghost appeared shortly after, but the encounter did not go as expected. “I was so surprised!” said Chapman. “He was really here—just like the witch told me he would be—but once I got a good look at him, I realized he was just some old white guy.” Klara Woldenga Entertainment Editor Sr: we all want to change the world. Unfortunately, with all of our Instagram and Facebook feeds, who has the time or the energy? Face it, having your posts go viral is way more rewarding and important than attempting deep social change. If you ever get an inkling to put down your phone and help the world and communities around you, just remember this list and rest easy knowing you didn't have to do anything hard or painful. Blame someone else The beauty with having so many people living on the planet is that there’s so many According to the two witnesses, Karl Marx immediately began questioning their motivations in summoning him and whether they had enough knowledge to begin a revolution. “Tt was really rude,” said Franklin. “T mean, you dont just go around questioning people, you know?” Even though both suddenly felt intruded upon, they tried to reason with the ghost, explaining why they had brought him back in the first place. “T told him it was because we needed someone to help us tear down the system, said Chapman. “He asked me how the system works now, and I told him to shove off and stop embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend.” Both witnesses stated that Karl Marx then became very agitated and began verbally lashing out, yelling out things like “How do you expect to implement > Photo illustration by Lauren Kelly change if you don’t understand it?” and “Did you even read my work?” This startled Chapman and Franklin, making them feel unsafe in their home and causing them to lose faith in their role model. “He was being super rude,” said Chapman. “He had the audacity to ask me if I had even read his work or any economics literature. Like, I’ve leafed through it, you know? Get off my back.” As Karl Marx kept on ranting and pacing, Chapman and Franklin began to feel they could no longer tolerate this ghost in their home. “T just started thinking, like, “Who even is this guy?” said Franklin. “He’s obviously just some privileged man with a beard. Why were we even listening to him?” It was then that Chapman told Karl Marx that his economic views meant nothing because he was “just a rich old white guy” and that he should “check his privilege” before speaking. According to both witnesses, Karl Marx suddenly stopped in his tracks and said, “I have checked it, and it looks like I wor't be using any of my privilege to help you,” before disappearing, leaving both Chapman and Franklin shaken but relieved. “I was so happy he was gone,” said Chapman. “He challenged my views. I don’t need that.” “All I know is that we don’t need more educated white guys telling us what to do,” said Franklin. “Especially privileged ones that take the time to try and help the world instead of riding out their existence, like most of us do.” Top five things to do instead of improving the world » Creating change is hard, treat yo’self instead you can blame instead of looking at your own faults. Feeling nostalgic? Blame your high school teacher for hurting your motivation. Feeling a little detached or highbrow? Blame society in general. Don’t worry about any coincidences—your anger is totally nebulous and doesn't change a thing. Buy something Buy anything labelled “organic” or “sustainable”. Voting with your wallet is totally a thing, but due to loose regulations—and a billion other factors you don’t need to know—] assure you the difference isn’t enough to actually do anything. Engage in Facebook activism Not only can this be done in the comfort of your own home, you also look really cool doing it. Why go outside and give up control of your environment when you can simply click a button that shows that you are really against poverty in Africa? Just remember to turn on your WiFi. You don’t want to pay extra for pretending to invoke change. Publicly shame someone on social media There’s no better way to feel better about yourself than to make someone else feel shitty for something they probably didn’t mean. Use your favourite platform like Twitter, Facebook, or even Instagram, and find a small joke or comment that you can twist into something mean and awful to share with your like-minded buddies. Creating a public shaming event is easier than ever and we have nothing better to do than assume the worst in everyone else. Travel After engaging in all the above activities, you totally deserve a vacation! Travel to an impoverished land to really make sure you see what you take for granted. Post all of your adventures online for everyone to see, and relish in the “Wow, good for you!” comments you will undoubtedly receive. But don’t you worry, this won't change you. I guarantee that within three weeks of returning home you will start taking your surroundings for granted again.