The Other News NASA Study Indicates Upwards of 80% of Bumper Sticker Claims are Fraudulent By “Salty” Liam Britten CAPE CANAVERAL, FL— Ina study released Wednesday, NASA has come to the conclusion that the vast majority of claims made by adhesive emblems affixed to the back of one’s automobile, or “bumper stickers,” as they are popularly known, make disingenuous claims. Michael Griffin, NASA’s top administrator, writes in the report that the exact number of misinforming tags could be greater than 80 percent of the net total of all such labels. “Across the entire spectrum of bumper stickers, falsehoods abound. During the course of our three-year study, we found thousands of examples of exaggeration, unfair comparisons, and even out-and- out lying, especially in the case of claims regarding the vehicle owner’s penis size.” Continued Griffin, “We saw approximately 17,000 decals in support of the progressive rock band Journey, despite the fact that the last documented Journey fan died in 1987. The study also found that a full 40 percent of Jesus-fish are owned by atheists. While this is excellent use of situational irony, it is still quite deceptive.” When asked if he felt that the study was worth the $6 billion budget allocated by the federal government, Griffin deflected criticism. “Studies like this are highly important; it’s what we do best here at NASA. As a result of this study, we have revealed many factual errors in these decals that could be misleading to the uninformed public. For example, through careful, holistic demographic studies, we have revealed that as a prepubescent male of his income level, the cartoon character Calvin of “Calvin and Hobbes” fame is more likely to urinate in a toilet as opposed to a Ford or Chrysler insignia.” erm MT iLe eB este rer R Gta La tan Griffin claims that he is pleased with the study, but expressed that further research was necessary. He stated that he is optimistic that his agency will Eee Keep the Green, oe. in Portiand . ‘ Think teceipertinsd wy be approved for a $16 billion grant to determine the actual number of people whose “other car is a Lamborghini.” Nationalism is vase Anti-P ism More than fifty lies were found on the bumper of this Portlamd car alone. Critics Dave Cha By “Salty” Liam Britten BURNABY, BC — “Predictable,” “disposable” and “unabashedly dull” were some of the scathing pronouncements about last Friday’s intoxicated impression of Dave Chappelle made by your friend Mike “Kegstand” Cowell while at a house party. Drawing on material from the hit Comedy Central programme “Chappelle’s Show,” Cowell’s savagely criticized imitation to an audience of approximately eight party guests featured elements familiar to the show’s fans such as repeated cries of “I’m Rick James, bitch!” and cheers in the style of hip-hop producer Lil’ Jon. After the evening’s well- received Carlos Mencia impression, and celebrated Stephen Colbert caricature, which both took place after Kyle hit the beer bong like a champ, there had been high expectations for Cowell’s Chappelle, particularly during Cowell’s pre-performance inquiries to other guests of “Dude, man, seriously, have you ever seen that episode of 18 Pan Your Drunken Friend’s Chappelle where he totally lays in to Rick James?” The impression, once underway, met with almost uniformly forced laughter from other drinking companions, and a few disappointed, derisive remarks of “Weak, dude.” Influential New York Times critic Ben Brantley described the performance as “toothless and predictable” and said it “oscillates wildly between weak characterizations, and even weaker pacing,” while Variety called the tribute “beyond rescue.” Washington Post critic Peter Marks wrote that “Cowell’s bland interpretations and weak choices of material such as the Rick James sketch, Samuel Jackson Beer, and Tyrone the Crackhead sketch is not only predictable, but also as a genuine insult to those who truly love the art of theatre.” Despite the overwhelmingly negative press your drinking companion has received, expectations are still high for his upcoming lampooning of Dane Cook, slated to take place next Friday, just after tequila shots. ppelie Impression Your friend Mike “Kegstand”’Cowell, whose impressions were savagely panned.