Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor €¢ Tashion is beauty, and beauty is pain!” Samuel Kingston, 27, screamed from the molten core of the Earth last Saturday afternoon. Pain indeed, as Kingston had sunk an estimated 6,371 kilometres into the centre of the Earth due to the weight of his Balenciaga Multicolour Quadruple Layer Sneakers. The self-proclaimed “streetwear addict” had this to say via a long hose that was lowered into the ground: “I’m all about the #FitPics these days. That’s why I bought these shoes that look like the shoe equivalent of a toddler trying to draw a truck with a crayon. It doesn’t even matter that I’m cemented to the red- hot centre of the planet I call home because I know my look is fire! Just like my entire They looked a little dumb. But hey, that's fashion.” ax Image of Balenciaga sneakers via Barneys.com body is right now!” The shoes themselves were mass- produced in China, using unethical labour and unsustainable materials including plastic, polyester, and ribbing made from animal bones and sinew. Despite this, the shoes themselves were priced at an estimated $6,900 USD. Several of Kingston’s friends were gathered around the hole, shooting pictures for their social media accounts. Seth Driver, 27 and Kingston’s best friend, spoke to press. “I warned Samuel that the shoes looked a little heavy and what’s more, they looked a little dumb. But hey, that’s fashion. You have to risk looking like a clown with lots of disposable income in order to impress the small handful of people around you who care.” Kingston’s father, Derrick Kingston, shared his knowledge of his son’s stylistic Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca tastes. “We don’t understand our son’s fashion choices,” Derrick Kingston told reporters who were circled around the Samuel-shaped hole in the ground. “We don't understand where we went wrong. Up until he was around 14 my wife Kelly would buy him all of his clothes from Gap, which was perfectly fine with him. Then he started getting involved with these fashion forums and message boards, and the next thing we knew he was selling his blood plasma to buy miniscule sunglasses that barely fit his face. It’s an epidemic!” Other Press reporters canvassed the area, making sure to give the hole a wide berth. Surprisingly, most of the women interviewed were uninterested in the shoes. Natalie Press, 23 and single, told reporters, “I once agreed to a date with Samuel after we matched on Tinder. He ¢ Gavel of the law brought down on local auction house e Passive aggressive coworker rolls eyes into back of own head ..and more! Local man sinks to centre of Earth due to giant fashion sneakers » ‘The laces alone weigh 87 pounds, says fashion insider cancelled the date when it began to rain because he didn’t want to get his Represent raw denim jeans wet, then invited me over to his place to look at his collection of Nike Elite socks. I declined” Rescue teams told Kingston that if he was able to wrench his feet from the sneakers, he had a good chance of being dragged back up to the Earth’s surface via large crane. Kingston declined. “The centre of the Earth is real, untapped territory,” Kingston shrieked as flames devoured his body. “We're looking at a fashion frontier down here. I have a chance to be a real inspiration to those willing to push boundaries with the medium, as long as they’re willing to spend large amounts of money on unethically sourced clothing that will only be popular for a month, tops. Hey, are any girls impressed by this? Any girls at all?” —Seth Driver, friend of Samuel Kingston Passive aggressive coworker rolls eyes into back of own head > ‘She kept saying she was fine when she clearly wasn’t’ Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Cusomes and coworkers alike we shocked last Monday afternoon when Linda Grabinsky rolled her eyes into the back of her own head. What started as a regular shift at Has- Beans, a coffee shop on East Broadway in Vancouver, ended in a medical miracle. “Lasked Linda if she wouldn't mind grabbing an extra carton of oat milk from the back,” Grabinsky’s coworker Alexis Tam recalled to reporters. “I think that’s what set her off. She said ‘No problem! in a tone that indicated that it might actually be a problem. When I turned around, all I could see was the whites of her eyes. I have to say, it’s a little nicer than her regular glare.” Tam further stated, “I think she dislikes me because I’m younger than her.” This wasn't Grabinsky’s first foray into the deep, murky waters of passive- aggression. “l absolutely love Linda,” childhood friend Tim Wong gushed. “As long as we're only spending anywhere from one to two hours together, and there’s a ‘buffer friend’ between us. Alcohol usually helps too.” But where does passive aggression come from? Staff at the Other Press It really helps you appreciate your other friends.” Tim Wong, friend of eye-roller Linda Grabinsky talked to Harold Bupp, Cognitive Science professor at SFU, about Grabinsky’s case. “T’ve seen instances like this before,” said Bupp. “It’s not unusual for someone who thinks that they are more special than everyone around them to havea deep well of annoyance and anger to draw from. These emotions work themselves out of the body in different kinds of actions. For example, those suffering from passive aggression may show symptoms of sighing six decibels louder than human speech, or commenting, ‘thanks for the invite :-)’ on event pictures that they weren't invited to. It doesn’t matter if the event was out of town or if they would have been able to attend at all—they’ll still comment.” Others like Grabinsky’s boss Beatrix O'Reilly, 46, had this to say: “You'll never really know how a shift with Linda is going to go. There's a lot of variables—like how traffic was on her way to work, whether or not she’s having a good hair day, or if she’s had an adequate amount of sleep the night before. Yes, these things are outside of our control. But to someone like Linda, who suffers from passive aggression, we are the ones to blame. I love the food and hospitality industry!” “Sometimes being around Linda is a challenge,” Wong said. “However, it is Image via Reductress humbling. You really need someone to scoff after every sentence, or to say ‘I love that for you when you tell them about a positive experience. It makes every hangout with her anxiety-inducing and draining. It really helps you appreciate your other friends.” Reporters asked Bupp about how to deal with someone like Grabinsky. “The best thing to do when faced with someone like Linda is to try and ignore the passive aggression and squish it into a teeny-tiny ball that sits in the middle of your rib cage,” said Bupp. “Then you can use it yourself to channel your own specific brand of passive aggression. | recommend writing comments like ‘Please leave shoes ON SHOE RACK, I am not a maid’ around your apartment for your roommates to find. It always works for me!” When asked if Grabinsky would ever gain full use of her eyeballs back, Bupp shook his head. “Unfortunately, in a case like this, Linda’s condition is permanent. That doesn’t mean she can’t lead a full and fulfilling life. Well, full and fulfilling for someone like her, anyway.” Here Bupp cleared his throat. “Sorry, that’s my own passive aggression coming out. I'll have to excuse myself from any further comments.”