Awkward feminist goes to a hockey game

> Leaves with no new appreciation whatsoever

Cara Seccafien
Layout Editor

 

rowing up in Edmonton, it was

hard to miss the whole hockey
thing. I was seven years old when the
city renamed Capilano Drive to Gretzky
Drive. Most of my friends were in baby
hockey leagues. When they printed an
image of kids playing street hockey on
the five dollar bill, it looked like the
street outside my house.

However, my parents were oddities
(to say the least), and we didn’t do
any lessons or sports as kids. I wasn’t
good at running or climbing or reading
or talking. The main thing I did to
entertain myself was make up imaginary
games, draw pictures, and watch TV. So,
it wasn’t until I was 16 that I reluctantly
went to a hockey game. Given my
anhedonic teen tendencies, I didn’t
like it.

In my adult life, ’'ve sought out
activities where my sole role is to
experience pleasure: movies, beaches,
taxi cab rides, sex, roller derbies,
campfires. With a healthy dose of SSRIs,
I was testing the waters of low risk
fun. Last week, my friend received free
tickets toa Canucks game. Without a
second thought, I went with her to sit
back and be entertained.

The arena was filled with a lot of
people, and they all paid to be there
(except us). They wouldn't let us bring
in any drugs, weapons, or liquor, so I felt
vulnerable from the get go. The arena
wasn't dissimilar from a club or a petting
ZOO, as we were surrounded by loud,

jumpy specimen. The men were taller
than us, on average, but also seemed

to take up more space just by existing.
The man to our right spilled beer on my
friend every time he jumped up, which
happened a lot. The man on my left was
best friends with everyone on the team.
He kept yelling out to them, “Come on
boys! Come on bros!” It must’ve helped
because (SPOILER!) we ended up
winning.

One thing I learned was that you
shouldn't go to a hockey game to see hot
men on ice. You can't see the specimens;
they are very far away. Plus, they are all
wrapped up in their jerseys and gear.
Nothing is less sexy than a man in an
overly protective uniform. It does look a
bit like he is a walking duvet, though, I
might lay on him. But I likely would not
lie with him.

When you did get a shot of a
player’s face on the mega-tron, it’s all
rivers of sweat encased in head gear and
missing teeth. They fiddle with their
mouth guards using their tongues like
they’re sucking something, which is a
bit hot I guess, but mostly just gross.

And lastly, but definitely not least,
shout out the mini donuts! The best
part of the game was sharing a bag
of mini donuts. Mini donuts are one
of those foods you can only get if you
drag your ass out of bed and go to some
damn event. They don’t sell them at
restaurants or grocery stores, and no
one knows how to make them in their
kitchen. 10/10 would recommend the
Rogers Arena mini donuts. Hockey,
however, might not be my thing.

Basketball is back

> A look into the new NBA season

Erik Pinto
Contributor

 

ne of the most highly anticipated

NBA seasons in the past decade
has finally begun. But before we indulge
in the highlights of the first week, let’s
analyze what moves were made this past
offseason.

The 2016-17 NBA offseason was
long, grueling, and full of action. It
included multiple blockbuster deals
that will see big names in new jerseys.
The prominent New York Knicks
acquired several key players, with
their most substantial being Derrick
Rose, As his replacements, the Bulls
brought Dwyane Wade home to “The
Windy City” and added a dynamic
playmaker in Rajon Rondo. In the
Eastern Conference, the Atlanta Hawks
managed to acquire star centre Dwight
Howard from Houston. Last, but
certainly not least, the Golden State
Warriors made the biggest deal this
offseason when they acquired former
MVP Kevin Durant from the Thunder. It
was a deal that sent the basketball world
into shock, because the Warriors are

the last team to be needing a superstar.
Their impressive and record breaking
74 wins in a season made them seem
invincible. They are even more so now,
after contracting arguably the second
best player in the league. The majority
of basketball fans viewed this move as
unfair, as the Warriors now come into
the new season with what seems to be
an unstoppable team.

Let’s not forget, however, that
despite their invincible regular season,
the Warriors ultimately lost in the finals
to Lebron James and his Cleveland
Cavaliers. With the addition of Durant
this new season, the anticipation for
basketball was immense. Both finals
teams began their seasons on the same
note that they ended them. The Cavs
raised their championship banner
and followed it with a dominating
victory over the Knicks, with LeBron
James putting up a triple double. As
for the Warriors, they fell to the San
Antonio Spurs by 29 points in a massive
performance by runner up MVP Kawhi
Leonard, who scored a career high 35
points and highlighted the opening day
of basketball.

 

 

Day two brought even more
excitement and outstanding
performances. Every superstar seemed
to be making a statement for their MVP
candidacy. Anthony Davis dropped 50
points and had 16 rebounds despite the
Pelicans falling to the Nuggets. DeMar
DeRozan had 40 on the night followed
up by big man Jonas Valanciunas who
had 30 himself, collectively lifting the
Raptors past Detroit. Russell Westbrook
was one assist shy of a triple double,

Image by Cara Seccafien

Photo of Russell Westbrook via www.sportingnews.com

leading the Durant-less Thunder past

a struggling 76ers team. Finally, to end
day two, James Harden had himself a
night, scoring 34 points and passing his
way toa career high 17 assists.

All of this means one thing.
Basketball is officially back, with
stunning performances and superstars
in different jerseys. Only this time
LeBron is King, the Warriors are out
for revenge, and KD has hopped on the
bandwagon.