Border Guard Discovers True Self Brandon Ferguson, Fake News Editor na sobering moment of reflection, American border guard Hirim Ciano has come to a conclusion that many have held for long enough: he’s a com- plete asshole. “It just hit me one day while giving a brown guy the old thrice-over check,” the 12-year veteran said from the border crossing into Blaine, WA, last week. “T was doing an orifice check—as is standard procedure when dealing with someone of his background—and like shot gunning a can of Amstel Lite, it hit me: I’m a total douche bag,” Ciano’s admission comes at a time when border vigilance is the norm and Patriot Act paranoia is at an all-time high. Already requiring fingerprint identifica- tion for access into the country, the US has been adamant about the protection of its borders from “outsider interference” and “foreign object implementation.” Said Ciano: “We're detaining browns, blacks, reds, yellows, and all sorts of in- betweens. Even the white dudes with beards are supposed to be held up, what with that whole American Taliban guy bullshit.” Ciano, himself of Mexican descent, couldn’t live with the human-rights hypocrisy of working for the Land of the Free any longer. “I couldn’t look myself in the mirror and feel proud as a Mexican- American any more.” G | ObNEPPPESS Upon a moment of thought, Ciano added: “Is that what I’m called now? Or am I an American of Mexican descent? Fuck, I don’t even know anymore, except that if I don’t have this badge I’m getting a latex finger up my ass.” Ciano may not have that badge to block his poop chute from inquiring fin- gers of justice much longer, now that he has openly admitted to feelings of unease towards these oppressive and tyrannical tactics, according to Secretary of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge. “The whole point of border patrols and guards is to keep out the unwanted,” said Ridge from his fortified office Tuesday, protected by three pit bulls, two Marines, and a Presidential pardon in a pear tree. “We scrutinize people of brown, black, red, and yellow colour as much as we do those of white ancestry—pure, perfect, on-the-side-of-God-white ances- try. We are equally diligent with every part of the racial spectrum. We cover the rain- bow of colours. Which reminds me: homos are out too, but I bet them little panty wastes enjoy the orifice examina- tion.” When asked if the title “Secretary” was a somewhat effeminate term for a post, Ridge answered, “Yeah, fuck you too, fag,” When asked to explain the Secretary’s fearsome supposedly comments, White House spokesperson Scott McLennan said: “What Secretary Ridge meant was that from top to bottom, the United States is committed to probing every last cavern of terrorist activity in order to root out every weed of terror, regardless of colour.” “It’s a shitty job,’ McLennan added, “but you can’t spell wipe without a W.” Your intrepid fake news reporter was determined to get to the bottom of this scandal, and went to the Blaine, WA, crossing posing as a corn-fed Canadian white-boy with good morals on a one-way trip to Chicago. Maybe it was my beard, maybe my moxy, but something irked border agent Bubba Thurman into a security frenzy. “Anything to declare?” Thurman asked from behind dark glasses, inside, at 7 am, facing away from the sun. “Yes. Canada kicks ass,” I responded. “You don’t say. Well, speaking of asses...” The lengths to which I will go to bring you the news. News to Peruse, Amuse, and Gonfuse After a half-hour of shitty harassing and bag-fondling, I was able to convince the group of agents that had gathered to satiate their sadistic lust that I was not a terrorist—despite a record of terrorist- supporting activities such as smoking reefer and voting NDP. In the end, it was the almighty whitey that saved me from further persecution and discomfort. “Of course you got through,” said a less-than-surprised Ciano, when told of my journalistic endeavour. “How can you judge character and intent in thirty sec- onds? You can’t, but that’s the task assigned to the hordes of border-patrol guards. It’s impossible to be right 100 per- cent of the time. So you take time with threats and pass through those you are told to trust. It wasn’t smooth-talking, sound alibis, or a tight ass that saved you man.” Confused, I pressed Ciano for clarifi- cation, and a hemorrhoid seat cushion. He had both handy. “You gotta remember the first thing we’re taught on the job,” Ciano said. “You can’t ever be wrong when you're always white.” Thousands of great deals every week! Computers, furniture, cars... bsdea baile tir Grab a copy at your local newsstand today! "BC's Best Classifieds" New Every Thursday ann nt nn New Every Thursday! Jo the Dealer: Upon receipt of this coupon toward the purchase of the specified product, Trader Classified Media will reimburse you the face value of the coupen plus regular handling. Application for redemption on any other basis may constitute fraud and will, at our option, void coupon presented. Applications for reimbursement accepted from principais only. 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