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And more!

 

Stephen Harper's band bails on
opening for The Tragically Hip

> Former prime minister simply refused to be in the same room as his replacement

Chandler Walter
Assistant Editor

 

he Tragically Hip rocked

Canada last month with
their CBC-broadcasted final
performance, from the sandy
beaches of Vancouver to the
rocky shores of St. John’s.

What many Canadians who
tuned in that night (roughly one
third of the population) do not
know is that a well-known face
was scheduled to rock out for
Canada as well that night, but
things did not go according to
plan.

Former prime minister
Stephen Harper was set to play
the keyboard alongside his four-
piece band, the Van Cats, as the
opening act for The Tragically
Hip during their Canada-wide
show. Unfortunately, the arrival
of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau
reportedly put Harper into a
mood that could not be calmed
by any of his band mates.

“We told him to just
concentrate on the music, to do
it for the music, but he wouldn't
listen,” said Van Cats guitarist
Eddy Lee. “He kept going on
about how Canada has moved
on, and didn’t want to see him
anymore. Which we think is

silly—Canada always loves his
music, no matter how rocky
things got between the two of
them.”

“Tt just hard to see him go
through that,” said the band’s
drummer, Don Jonham. “Ever
since Canada chose that hotter,
younger prime minister, ol’
Harp has been doing nothing

but playing ‘Mad World’ on his
keyboard. We could barely even
convince him to come play this
show with us, but he said he
would do it for Canada. I guess
the guy really does still care.”

It is reported that when
Harper saw Trudeau walking into
the building, he flipped over his
keyboard and stated that he was

=

“having none of this bullshit,
man,” and would catch the band
on the flip side.

Attempts to speak to Harper
on the matter have all been
unsuccessful, though he did issue
a short statement to the press,
scrawled out in black sharpie on a
ripped scrap of paper.

The statement read, “I’m

out. Going to concentrate on my
music. I hope Canada is happy
with the choice it made, because
lam so totally over it.”

Harper’s PR manager then
officially declared that he would
be stepping down as MP, as he
had “a whole lot of new songs to
write, and a certain country to
forget about.”

 

Graphic by Mike LeMieux

2016 voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by classmates

> Interviews with other years who knew 2016 back in the day

Rebecca Peterson
Interim Humour Editor

 

he Other Press recently

caught up with some of
2016's classmates to hear the
story of its formative years. After
months of dealing with 2016's
shenanigans, from the joke that
is the US election, to the loss of
many beloved actors and singers
(as well as untold amounts
of tragic deaths as a result of
political unrest and turmoil and
wars worldwide), the paper felt
it was time to get to the bottom
of what makes 2016 tick.

“Well, we all kind of saw
it coming, to be honest,” said
former classmate 2011, now
retired. “See, I got voted ‘Most

Likely to Lead an Uprising, and
good ol’ 2012 was ‘Most Likely
to End the World, so that was
kind of disappointing. But 2016...
when I knew 2016, it was the
blandest year you could think
of. But you know, ina serial
killer kind of way. It’s always the
quiet ones, right? Hell, in the
yearbook, 2001 was just ‘Most
Likely to Change the World?
That’s one of those throwaway
titles you give to nice people you
don’t know very well but seem to
have their crap together. Kinda
sucked how that one turned out.”
“2016 was in my Economics
class,” said 2008, also retired.
“Didn't seem to get how finances
worked, but I mean, neither did
I, and look what happened to me!
Anyway, it kept asking for the

nuclear launch codes, and I was
like, °16, this is a mathematics

class, what are you talking about?’

It was kind of a shifty year. Still,

no one could have predicted this.”

“2016 took an AP course
on World Politics and scored
an A+,” said 2013. “Can you
imagine? A+ in World Politics.
If only we'd known, then...”

“No one expected much of
2016, but we all knew it wasn’t
gonna be a great year,’ said
2015. “I kind of felt bad about
passing off the torch to it. If ’'d
known how things were going
to go, I would have skipped
right on to 2017, you know?”

Finally, we spoke to 2017,
who only had this to say:

“I’m very afraid for
what’s to come.”

 

Graphic by Mike LeMieux