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This issue:

(¥Y Compass card SkyTrain barriers finally see action

(Y Green Party sweeps election

(Y T-Day plus five

And more!

The last will and testament of Sherman
Shore, film critic extraordinaire

» Also: the ‘Jack and Jill’ film review

Sherman Shore
Film Critic

My dearest Shawna,

ou know me, your caring

husband, quite well. So
you must remember—on our
honeymoon, when we went dune
buggying on the smooth, sandy
hills of Cairo—my personal
prediction about my own
untimely and early death. You do
remember what it was that I said,
my love?

I said that if, someday,
somehow, for some reason I
couldn't think of, my life were
to end prematurely... the man
responsible would be Adam
Sandler.

If only you knew how right I
was. Perhaps you wouldn't have
chortled at me and snatched that
pony of Arabian absinthe out of
my hands as if I were delusional.

Remember Adam Sandler,
honey? Being a man who
was a teenager in the 1990s,

I was exposed to the first

: wave of stupid, gross-out

: comedies targeted towards

: our demographic, like that one

: movie where an overly hormonal
: adolescent decided to fuck an :
: apple pastry. If you remember the :
: ‘gos like I do, you’ll remember :
: that Adam Sandler was the

: pioneer of this kind of dreck.

Well, he’s finally done it,

: Shawna. Adam Sandler has

: made a movie so horrifying

: and displeasing to every sense
: imaginable, that I’m almost

: certain to have lost my faith in
: the art of the motion picture.

: It has been 48 hours since I

: watched Jack and Jill, and I’ve

: finally decided to make my

: peace.

Did you ever think you'd see

: Sandler dressed in drag, darling?
: Did you ever want to see Sandler

: dressed in drag? Did you ever

: want to see two Sandlers—one

: male and one dressed poorly in

: drag—with the male Sandler

: trying to get the female Sandler

: to bump uglies with Al Pacino?

: Al Pacino... Did I mention I really

: don’t want to live anymore?

I’ve seen the worst of the

: worst, dearest Shawna, but

: this film was horribly offensive
: (even my brother said so, and

: he’s a fat sheriff'in Missouri).

: This movie displays, in the

: plainest terms, why everyone

: else worldwide thinks white

: people are inherently racist.

: No one is safe from this movie:
: Mexicans, women who don’t

: look like supermodels, Dunkin’

: Donuts, weirdoes who hook up

: on Craigslist... Sandler drops an

: A-Bomb on any semblance of

: political correctness or socially

: acceptable behaviour, and, as I

: now know, they don’t make water
: hot enough to wash off that kind
: of dirt.

Finally, I must apologize

to you and the kids. I’m sorry
: that I let this god-awful, piece of

  

Image via Sony Pictures Entertainment

: shit movie—made by the most

: outrageously offensive person

: to ever exist—affect me in such
: a massive way. I just hope that

: my important, necessary work

: asa film critic will be enough to
: ensure your future.

I love you, Shawna Shore.

Goodbye,
Sherman Shore

 

Elections ads: the review

» Defining this year’s greatest in commercial cinema

Jerrison Oracion
fim Senior Columnist

Wee the federal election
over, either Stephen
Harper is still our prime
minister, or we have a new one.
The election was decided
by the TV commercials put out
by the major parties, and I saw
most of them during the last few
weeks of the campaign. For your
pleasure I have reviewed each of
them, in the case you might like
to go back and watch all your old
favourites.

Conservative Party—Proven
Leadership

IMDB: 57 per cent
Rotten Tomatoes: 45 per cent

This Conservative Party
commercial explains all of the
accomplishments that Harper
made as Prime Minister.
Harper looked like a capable
Prime Minister, despite a lot of
people disliking him during the

. campaign. The music in it brings
: colour and life into a day of the

: Prime Minister working in his

: office.

: NDP—“I'm Ready”

IMDB: 65 per cent
: Rotten Tomatoes: 74 per cent

While many people know

: Tom Mulcair as a person who

: asks a lot of tough questions, he
: is also a family man, and we see
: that in this commercial. We see
: archival pictures and footage of
: Mulcair throughout the years,

: including a rare picture of him

: without a beard. The commercial: :
: shows that he isa likeable person : Interview
: who likes to do public service a

: lot. Also, he was great at showing
: that he has plenty of experience

: and he is ready for whatever

: adventure.

Liberal Party—Out of Touch

IMDB: 55 per cent
: Rotten Tomatoes: 63 per cent

The middle class is one of

: the topics in the election this

: year and the Liberal Party caused : he is “just not ready.” The star

. alot of people to talk about

: them. In this commercial, Justin
: Trudeau compares Stephen

: Harper’s plan for the middle

: class with his party’s plans

: for them. The beginning of it

: looked like a scene in a Michael
: Moore documentary, except that
: Trudeau does not sound funny.

: The second half is bright and

: it has a lot of colours. His plan

: looks appealing and it very well
: could benefit the middle class;

: a teaser trailer if there ever was

: one.

: Conservative Party—The

IMDB: 72 per cent
: Rotten Tomatoes: 84 per cent

One of the most famous

: commercials in this election is

: the commercial in which various
: job recruiters try to finda person :
: who could be prime minister.

: When they look at Trudeau’s

: résumé, they make assumptions
: about him that may not be true,
: and they state that they think

  

i):

~

: of the commercial is the person

: who said the line: “Nice hairdo.”

: The commercial was so good

: that the NDP made a similar

: commercial that talks about

: Stephen Harper—such a work of
: cinematic genius, that it spawned
: aremake.

; Liberal Party—Escalator:
: Harder to Get Ahead

IMDB: 85 per cent
: Rotten Tomatoes: 92 per cent

Justin Trudeau is great

: at walking up escalators, and

Image via Conservative Party of Canada

: his skills are shown in this

: commercial. In it, Justin talks

: about tax cuts and cuts to

: funding of government programs
: while he walks up an escalator

: that is going down. When the

: elevator goes up, he talks about

: his plan. This is a great use of

: a metaphor to really get the

: audience thinking. He was great
: at walking up the escalator and

: talking about his plan at the

: same time, and it was rumoured
: that Justin did all of his own

: stunt work,