Humour Think you're funny? Contact us at humour@theotherpress.ca & The Other Oddset All the best bets for January 16-23 Kenny, Rogers olks, unless my dementia has Pesseesea beyond simple uncontrollable anger and hallucinations, I believe it’s time for another round of my incredible prognostications into the world of sports gambling here at The Other Oddset. You ready to make some money? I know I am. Tell your woman to quit her sobbing, because you're about to make enough money to win your house back; and tell her maybe you'll think about going into AA again. Again: tell her maybe. CORPORATE INTRAMURAL SOFTBALL LEAGUE: VAN HOUTTE COFFEE WAREHOUSE VS. VAN HOUTE COFFEE OFFICE; TOTAL WORKING RELATIONSHIPS RUINED: OVER/ UNDER 4.5 Do I like the over on this one? You bet your ’89 Ford F-150 with rust coming through on the sides I do! Company softball outings are a perfect way to get shitfaced and completely destroy any pretense of civility in a workplace setting. It doesn’t matter what team you're on, or what team the aggressor’s on. Someone'll have a few too many, then the sparks fly. Maybe they’II get up in your shit because even a blind moron could tell that was a strike. Maybe they didn’t like your hustle on that last play, and there’s no f—kin’ way that those warehouse douchebags get to win again. Or hell, maybe it'll just be Ted from the shop getting too soused and totally Tedding it up; you know how he turns all hands once he’s had a couple. It doesn’t matter—there is no way you can look these people in the face come Monday. Over! NHL: WASHINGTON CAPITALS VS. MONTREAL CANADIENS; SENSIBLE ACTS BY MONTREAL FANS: OVER/UNDER 2.5 Folks, this will be the quickest I’ve gone under since that time me and Waylon Jennings shotgunned Colt 45 after popping a handful of Xanax each. What can I say, it was the ‘70s. Or was it last Wednesday. I don’t freakin’ know. The point is, take the under on this one. These Frenchies make up the least reasonable fan-base in pro sports. Hell, these are the people who want to run a coach out of town because he doesn’t speak French—a language none of these people speak! What, you don’t believe the Gambler on this one? You let a dick from Paris talk to a dick from Montreal, and you see if they wind up understanding each other beyond “I surrender.” Won't happen. Under! UFC: GUILLARD VS. MILLER; TOTAL BRAIN CELLS, START OF FIGHT: OVER/UNDER 1.5 Don’t crap your pants in surprise—hey, I know it’s tough when the Gambler’s dropping this knowledge on ya—but I’m going over! That’s right. I believe these gentlemen have at least two brain cells to each of ‘em, and that’s dangerous: because if those brain cells ever meet up inside the battered skulls of those two fighters, that means we've got a thought on our hands. And watch out if these guys decide to make a habit of thinking. Hey, what if they start thinking that maybe it’s not great for their personal health and longevity to have a job where the point is to beat the shit out of another guy, who’s doing the same to you until you're stupid as Willie Nelson after ripping a gravity bong? It’s bad for the game. Over! Alright, that’s it for ol’ Kenny. I’m going to go now; I have to break into Hank Williams Jr.’s house and steal his TV. Why? Oh... he knows damn well why. With files from Liam Britten. Rick Santorum declares opposition to tacky marriage Tells fellow Republicans that “overblown, garish wedd By Liam Britten, Chief Marital Correspondent epublican presidential Reve and noted opponent to gay marriage Rick Santorum has made remarks criticizing straight marriages that are joined in tastelessly overdone ceremonies. The dark horse Republican candidate, currently in the thick of campaigning for the South Carolina primary, made the comments at a rally attended primarily by conservative southern Christians and Tea Party supporters. “The Bible is very clear: gay tasteless marriage, in particular, Deuteronomy 14:10, which reads: “The LORD said unto the Israelites, “Thou shalt not take a bridezilla to be thine wife. Thou shalt not make bridesmaids dress up in seafoam, bright orange or plaid. Come on, people, have a little bit of class. Also, thou shalt not make thine wedding a trashy theme wedding. Just unacceptable.” Santorum used the showy marriage angle to differentiate himself from his opponents in the Republican nomination race, whom he called “soft on gaudiness.” “My fellow Americans, “Santorum used the showy marriage angle to differentiate himself from his opponents in the Republican nomination race, whom he called ‘soft on gaudiness.” marriage is a sin. Marrying an animal? That’s a sin, too. Marrying your sister? That’s a sin. Marrying a woman in a banquet hall that seats 400 and you only invite 100 guests and serve a wedding cake that’s more fondant than flour? You're darn right that’s a sin!” he told the cheering crowd. Santorum is known as a hard- line social conservative, and a member of the religious right. Even by Republican standards, the controversial Santorum is known as extremely orthodox, which may give hima leg up in the deeply traditional southern state, which usually favours simple weddings down at the country courthouse with only family and close friends in attendance. As is usual for social conservatives on marriage issues, Santorum cited the Bible as the source of his opposition to something is rotten when these so-called ‘Republicans’ can be so hypocritical as to defend traditional marriage while having brazen ceremonies of their own,” the former Pennsylvania governor told the rapt audience. “Rick Perry? On his big day, his wife looked like a whore who was mummified in lace. Newt Gingrich has had three marriages — and I don’t know who did the floral arrangements, but they were, loud, louder, loudest! The guy needs to learn to tone down the baby’s breath. And Mitt Romney? Girl, puh-lease! Shudder!” Santorum concluded his speech by proposing a dangerous and unfeasible economic plan that could potentially worsen America’s recession, but none in the audience seemed to particularly care.