issue 30// volume 41

humour // no. 23

 

The lazy workout

» Lose weight effortlessly, and keep it off!*

Natalie Serafini
Editor-in-Chief
© editor
@theotherpress.ca

 

he new diet craze that’s

sweeping the nation is
SiestaFiesta!™. Touted for its
fast and easy results, this diet
will have you saying “Hola!” to a
beach bod in no time flat—flat
like your stomach!

Created by Dr. Ben Ersatz**,
this regimen involves one simple,
easy step—two, if you count
signing the release form. Just
consent to a medically induced
coma! Say hello to a month or
two of bed rest and controlled
intake of the minimum number
of calories required to live, and
say goodbye to pounds. Before
you know it, you'll be running
on the beach ina teeny tiny
bikini!***

The genius** behind the
diet originally developed it for
himself, then decided to share
the program with the world
when he saw the real, tangible,
results. Dr. Ersatz signed on
a team of doctors**** who
believed in his vision, and the

: rest is SiestaFiesta

}™

history.
“I was tired of working out

: and leading a healthy lifestyle.

: All of the sweating, and cooking.
: Who has time and energy for

: arun, or the money to buy

: workout clothes?” said Dr.

: Ersatz. “These workout ideals

: that we’re presented with are

: classist, which is why I created a
: program with a flat, one-time fee :
: of only $8,000.

“Really, it’s roughly the

: amount of money you'd be

: spending on a one-year gym
: membership, right? But this
: requires no work!”

After being featured on

: the popular daytime show,

: Doctor Ox, SiestaFiesta!™ saw
: self-conscious people lining

: up in droves to try the diet for
themselves.

“I bring the public

: information that will help them
: on their path to be their best

: selves,” Dr. Ox said on his show.
: “And this program really works!
: My point of view is offered

: without conflict of interest.”

But what does the

: SiestaFiesta!™ program actually
: entail?

Participants consent toa

: medically induced coma—just

: like going on a much-needed

: vacation for a month or two!

: From there, you'll be fed via IV
: enough nutrients and liquids to
: get you looking super slimand —:
: trim. Your condition and weight- :
: loss progress will be monitored
: bya team of very competent

: doctors*****, Nurses will ensure

youre getting daily exercise and

: stretches, which will help to melt
; the pounds off and mitigate any
: nasty bedsores or gangrene.

But don’t just listen to

: this advertorial—check out

: testimonials from totally real,

: totally healthy people who saw
: results fast!******

“T loved SiestaFiesta!™ It’s

: the first time I’ve seen a diet :
: program that worked for me, and :
: I couldn't be happier with how:
: I look now. Thanks, Dr. Ersatz
: said Millie.

”

“Got a special event coming

up ina few months? Do what I
: did and try SiestaFiesta!™ I’ve

: never looked better than when
: my daughter carried me down
: the aisle at her wedding,” said

: Greg.

“Take control of your life,

: and sign it over to doctors who

 

definitely know what they’re
: doing!” said Riley.

Don't wait to lose weight.

: Get in touch with Dr. Ersatz! Call :
: now, and get a limited edition
: nose-hair trimmer, for free!

** Not a real doctor/genius
*** Once your muscles have

: returned to normal, and you’re

Image from Thinkstock

: able to stand on your own

**** By doctors, we mean

: like, “doctors”

*#4** While you will be

: monitored by doctors whose

: integrities have been bought, this
: diet is not actually recommended
: *For a limited time, until you :
: return to your regular life :

by doctors
*#**** Testimonials heavily

: edited for content, meaning, and
: tone. Names also changed

 

Pun, 2,3

By Sarah Walker, Contributor