The end of the pavement princess

hrome, rubber and glossy
paint, like pieces of art,
they roar down the street.

Their knobby tires and performance
exhaust systems alert you of their
presence before they are even in
your sight. And considering their
size, this is quite the feat. “Off-road”
customizations make them look like
race cars on steroids. Although these
so called pieces of art are sometimes
referred to as pavement princesses,
they are more commonly recognized
as big, intrusive pick-up trucks and
SUVs—the most notorious being the
Hummer.

Traditionally, these types of
vehicles were designed for work;
built for the army, farmers and
construction. They are designed to
haul anything from hay to timber to
gravel to troops. In order to withstand
the rugged outdoors, they are built to

 

     

 

 

be abused. Selling features include
high ground clearance, load and
towing capacities. Available with
diesel and gasoline engines, they
are very versatile. Over the years,
they have been modified with fancy
chrome finishing and leather interiors
to appeal to the lavish consumer.
In terms of being good for the
environment they are by no means the
best. However, some of them do have
a purpose. Some people need them
in order to put bread on the table or
you know, to defend a country. I have
nothing against these people or the
use of these vehicles in this way. The
people that irk me are those that drive
around simply to project an image.
Now as much as I sometimes
hate to admit it, I used to own one of
these pavement princesses. It was a
Ford F-150, the classic workhorse of
a pick-up. It was no ordinary pick-up,

Trevor Doré

opinions editor

 

 

The Pavement Princess

 

however; it was jacked up, had 33”
mud tires, chrome bumpers and a
sweet paint job. It had a six-cylinder
gas engine and a performance exhaust
system. It would scream when you
stomped on the gas pedal. I used to
drive it to and from work and just
about everywhere in between. It
didn’t go very fast because of the
mud tires and cost me an arm and a
leg in gas every month. And although
it was sweet, slowly but surely, the
ridiculousness of it all started to set
in.

I took it off-road one day with a
friend from work. We ended up going
down a trail that was way too narrow
for our behemoth trucks. I came out
of the day without an antenna and
thousands of stretches down the side
of what used to be a high gloss paint
job. I was choked. I spent the next
weekend waxing and polishing it

 

trying to get all of the scratches out. It
was about this time that I realised that
this pavement princess of mine was
ridiculous. Even though it was built
for the rugged off road, I didn’t want
to risk ruining the paint or scuffing
the chrome rims. My truck, like

an H2 or H3 Hummer, was simply

a huge point-a to point-b carbon-
spewing commuter.

Moral of the story, pavement
princesses are utterly ridiculous.
They are more often than not used
to commute and are never taken
off-road. They serve one purpose, to
project a conspicuous image of gas
guzzling environmental domination.
As gas prices and environmental
awareness rise, hopefully more
pavement princess owners will come
to this realization. Until then, I guess
we will just have to watch them die
out one by one.

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