OTHER NEWS

Bikini inspector stripped of title for dereliction of booty

 

Myra

By Liam Britten

fficially licensed bikini
inspector and self-proclaimed
“total party dude” Kyle

McTavish, 20, has been stripped of his
responsibilities, duties and privileges as
an inspector by the Royal High Council
of Bikini Inspectors and Ass Masters as
of Thursday.

McTavish, a three-year veteran of

the Council, was stripped for a variety of
offences, most notably failing to make
crass comments about a woman’s rather
rotund buttocks at a beach party in the
summer of 2008.

“We, the council, find this

behaviour to be some seriously weak
shit,” said Council Chairman Steve
Carson, reading the majority decision.
“It was totally bogus not only in terms
of the act itself but also in terms of that
fine ass you missed out on. Seriously, it
was like, huge. I could’ve used it as a
shelf and rested my drink on it. Badonk-
a-fuckin’-donks, dude!”

McTavish, visibly humbled by the

council’s decision, made no attempt to
explain or excuse his behaviour, noting
only that he “was pretty fuckin’ baked

by that point.” However, his defence

netted him little sympathy from the
council members.

“Shut up, dude. You’re a gaywad,”
said Councillor Pete “Poon Slayer”
Davies.

Removing an inspector from the
council is a rarely-enacted punishment
used only in the most grievous of
circumstances by the group of high
school and college-aged meatheads.
Removal from the council means that
the affected member will no longer
be able to wear a novelty “Bikini
Inspector” t-shirt, no longer be able
to loudly yell and wallop obnoxiously
while toasting cans of Bud Light beer
with actual council members and will
no longer be permitted to talk about
nothing but pussy all day and then
secretly masturbate to thoughts of David
Beckham.

“Council, your punishment is harsh
but fair,” said McTavish. “In order to
show my utmost humility and shame, I
will be providing the brewskies tonight.”

The council accepted McTavish’s
proposal, and immediately recessed their
meeting top hit the beer bong.

 

Support leg

By Liam Britten

ast Sunday saw the destruction

of a Lower Mainland landmark,

and indeed, of a landmark of
hyperbolically antiquated construction
projects the world over when a support
pillar of the Pattullo Bridge caught fire.

The support, made almost entirely
of oil-soaked rags and those small
pieces of wood which burn easily and
are suitable for starting a campfire,
has been in place since 1937, a period
in bridge construction history known
as “The Fucking Retarded Design
Idea Period,” because of the most
famous bridge engineer of the day, Sir
Randolph Fucking Retarded Design
Idea.

“Sir Randolph was the lead
designer, engineer, architect, foreman
and glue-sniffer of the Pattullo Bridge
project,” said Frank Leonard, a history
professor at Douglas College. “He was
famous for his revolutionary ideas on
bridge construction, such as building
them out of easily flammable materials,
designing them for a capacity lower
than what is needed and of course for
touching children.”

Although the Pattullo Bridge

made of oily rags and kindling
catches fire on Pattullo Bridge

has been in use for over 70 years
and has been slated for destruction
and replacement in the future, this
occurrence has caught officials
completely off-guard.

“I knew the Pattullo was going
to fall the hell apart, but I didn’t think
it would happen like this,” said New
Westminster’s mayor, Wayne Wright.
“T mean, if anything, I thought it
would’ ve been the recycled metal
superstructure or the crumbling
concrete that would’ve done it in. But a
fire? I thought it was a joke at first.”

Questions have arisen as to why
the bridge was not more thoroughly
inspected for the possibility of a
catastrophic fire like this. Although
details are sketchy at this point,
according to Mark Zetz, an official with
the City of New Westminster, a simple
clerical error resulted in the bridge not
being inspected for 30 years.

“Tt turns out Dave, who we hired
to be bridge inspector, thought he was
supposed to inspect the Padua Bridge,
not the Pattullo Bridge,” said Zetz.
“That explains why we’ve had to mail
his paycheques to Italy all the time.”

Added Zetz: “On a positive note,
though, Dave reports that the Padua

Bridge is doing just fine.”

The concern for commuters
becomes what to do about the loss of a
river crossing over the Fraser and what
will happen to travel times. Premier
Gordon Campbell was quick to step in
with a solution.

“It’s been my experience that
corpses float, and with the number of
homeless people that my inaction and
callous indifference as premier have
killed, we’ll be able to float cars across
the river with hobo-based barges almost
free of charge,” Premier Campbell
said at a press conference. “Oh, but
we’re warning commuters to keep their
windows rolled up if they’re taking a
hobo corpse barge; those bodies get a
little ripe after a while.”

Campbell also took time to echo
Mayor Wright’s surprise about the
situation.

“If I were you, I’d be more worried
about the Alex Fraser; who knows
when that house of cards is going to
collapse,” he said. “I’m not joking,
either. The bridge’s supports are in fact
composed of perfectly-balanced houses
of cards.”