humour / 22 P1zza utopia » The pizza you didn't know you needed Mercedes Deutscher Staff Writer Yo walk into a room. She’s sitting there, on the table. Crust so soft and tomato sauce so fresh, you'd think the jar was just plucked off of the tree. That’s where tomato sauce comes from, right? You gaze upon her. She is perfect. She is cheese stuffed. Under her sexy covering of cheese, you notice she is wearing bacon underneath. Not just any bacon—oh no. This bacon is tightly wrapped ina lattice pattern, protecting a layer of ground beef. Not your cheeseburger ground beef. This : : In true Internet fashion, she is topped with layers of bacon : and cheese and more bacon : strips and bacon strips and is ground beef that has been seasoned in taco seasoning. Mixed with her delectable taco : beef is caramelized onions. Beside her is her pretty : little friend. She has no tomato : sauce, but is instead a rare form : : of Chinese-food pizza. Her thin : : crust is ticked with chow mein : and her base is sweet-and-sour : sauce. She is topped with sweet- : : and-sour pork, egg rolls, and : the slightest hint of soya sauce. Over in the corner, you : see even more delectable : pizzas. She is southern on : every sense of the word. She is : a pizza pie, with some oven- : roasted potatoes and some : fried chicken. Not greasy fried : chicken—this is a pizza of : virtue. Perfectly crispy and dry. Then there is the nerdy one from the Internet. She : has no typical crust. She is not : only cheese stuffed, but that cheese is crusted in Doritos. Image from Scott Bauer via wikimedia : bacon strips and bacon. Did : I mention bacon? She comes : with an entire two-litre bottle of Mountain Dew. Lastly, there is the : Legendary. You thought she : was only a myth, that she didn’t exist. You have searched far and : wide for her for years, never : sensing anything more than a : trace. She is beautiful. It’s like : she is part cake, part pizza. She : is layer upon layer of pizza. : There are easily eleven whole : pizzas stacked all in a tower, : sharing the created cheese crust : to even live. Each layer of her : tells a different flavour—erm, : story. One bite, and she’s like : pepperoni, another bite, and : she is the greatest vegetarian to : ever live. She will keep you fed the rest of your days, and you know : that surely you will never find : another pizza like her. She is perfect. She is the pizza you : didn’t know you needed. theotherpress.ca Image from Thinkstock Real-talk wisdom from the PornHub comments section William Sexspeare Sex Expert I: today’s modern technocratic culture, more and more people are living their lives devoid of the written : word. Why write a letter when you can SnapChat? Why court a lady when you can swipe her on Tinder? The lack of wordsmithery today is a real travesty! Thankfully, there is one place where you can still count on people to contribute to the linguistic milieu on a regular basis and of their own volition—the comments sections of PornHub.com. Here : are some of the most intriguing : examples of real comments that people took time out of their day to articulately craft on : the website: - “Like it a lot, what can I say more :)” —lovelyangelig87 - “omg lyke so hawt” — CumShotMaster52 - “GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO" —Lion - “mmmmmmm’ — HooterFan - “She’s hot” —crazyjo - “Thad always under estimated this film because of the title....now its one of my favorites” —Drrake - “AMERICA” — AsianFapGod : “Makes me want to get into porn” —nybigdick : “nice” —hotyoungripped : “Tve seen turtles f faster than this.” —skiz : “how would I be able to meet up with her?”’— micheystuarts12344 . “HOLY TEETH” — ScaryUncle : “Who is that girl on the left? She should be in porn!” —rampartg1 : “What’s your opinion of Taylor Swift?” —Lawlosaurus Turtz the Terror strikes again » Crashes party, doesn’t even bring hostess gift Allie Davison Senior Columnist lhe menacing beagle hybrid that made news just after Christmas has made a second attack on the tiny tinsel town at the North Pole. The incident took place ona brisk March evening, at the home of Mr. Harold Elf, where a small gathering was taking place. The pup, who has been branded “Turtz the Terror” by multiple news outlets, allegedly barged into the house, without knocking, and proceeded to wipe her dirty paws all over Mr. Elf’s clean kitchen floor. The mayhem didn’t stop there—witnesses have reported : the Terror then wandered : around the party knocking : beverages off the table with : mighty swipes of her furry tail, : and then, without warning, she : knocked the guest of honour to : the floor and licked his face all : Over. A few brave partygoers : attempted to calm the beast by : bribing her with some of the : delicious appetizers Mr. Elf had : painstakingly prepared, but she : would not be reasoned with. : Instead, she devoured the treats : and started nosing around the : counters for more. : “It was just plain rude, if you : : ask me,’ one Elf, who requested : to remain nameless, stated, “I ? mean, it’s one thing to show up : uninvited—but then to eat all : the snacks and mess the place : up. Rude.” The incident ended with : Turtz passing out on the futon, : without even asking if she could : stay the night. Luckily, no real : damage was done but, needless : to say, the entire night was : disrupted and consequently : branded the worst party of the : season. Elf has no idea how he could : have offended the creature, but : detectives think it may have : just been a random attack. : Neighbours have reported seeing Turtz wandering around : thearea, possibly just looking : fora good party to crash and bed : to pass out on.